Need advice about my friend and her grandchild

[ClarityIsAll]

DH and I have been friends with another couple for over 20 years. We met at a shared hobby that DH and I no longer take part in, but the friendship has carried on and we would miss them if they were no longer in our lives. BUT, there is now a problem I am finding hard to get to grips with.

We all have adult DC, DH and I have grandchildren, who are asked after now and then by our friends, but not a lot of interest has been shown in them. This is fine, we are not upset by this, the grandchildren aren't local so they haven't really met them, and I think it normal that they wouldn't be that interested. However, our friends daughter (who lives with them) had a baby last summer, so they now have a grandchild themselves, and here is the problem - there is no let up, none, on updates about this child. It is not possible for us to visit them without their grandchild being the sole focus of every conversation. It is impossible to even finish a sentence when talking to our friend without her being distracted by a look from the baby, or a sound from the baby, or a sudden need to tell us about how many times the baby has smiled that day. I love my grandchildren, and could understand the obsession at first when the baby was a newborn, but 8 months on and it is still just as bad, if not worse.

Over the years we have had some lovely evenings, and some great times together. Whenever we invited them to our home for a meal for example, they readily accepted, and reciprocated. This was a regular and enjoyable thing we used to do, and prior to their grandchilds birth it never occured to them or us, that the invite was for adult children too, (unless it was Christmas for example), but now they expect to bring their daughter and her baby every. single. time. Let me stress that their daughter is a great Mum, she has no problems in looking after her child, so it is not because they are worried about leaving her to cope alone. Neither is she a very young Mum - she is 27! This completely alters the dynamic, and the whole visit just involves talk about their grandchild, offers for us to hold the grandchild, photos of the grandchild passed around for us to exclaim over....it is all about the grandchild, and I'm fed up and bored with it all to be quite frank.

I've just had a message from her saying that she hasn't seen us for a while, so to let her know when I am next free during the day and she will bring her daughter and grandchild over so we can have a catch up and I can see how baby is growing, and we can sort out an evening when we can all meet up so that my DH doesn't miss out on seeing her grandchild too.

FFS - tell me wise mumsnetters how do I deal with this and keep the friendship? AIBU to want to have some adult time now that all our kids (and theirs) are grown ups? I understand the love grand parents have for their grandchildren, I feel it myself for my own, but I don't understand at all this level of obsession and i have no idea how to tackle it. By the way - I am bad at setting boundaries, have social anxiety and am not good at being tactful, which makes finding a way to save the friendship even harder.

Any advice welcome! Oh and just in case some lazy tit sees this as an easy route to getting published - FUCK OFF DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE SUN, IN FACT FUCK OFF ANY LAZY JOURNALISTS! (sorry for having to add that - I was trying to come across as sane but if this got picked up she would recognise herself in a heartbeat and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings unnecessarily)

[The80sweregreat]

A family member had a friend who had a ' let's not talk about family ' rule even they all met up for a meal or whatever. I think it worked well. A bit harsh , but at least you talk about other things then!
I have no real advice but be prepared for things drifting off at some point. You can only take so much!

[NWQM]

I think all you can do is ignore her non-invite (I have a bit of a pet hate for 'hey, we should get together' with the passive critical undertone of I haven't seen you for ages but no actual invite to anything) and say 'hey yes I was meaning to get in touch do you fancy going to x' and make sure x is not child friendly. Is there something for instance to do with the hobby that you could suggest even though you are not directly involved now?

To be honest though it's very unlikely to cure someone who is that self-absorbed because this isn't really anything to do with grandchild. I'd hazard a guess that before the grandchildren you might have spent a lot of time listening about the hobby and not really realised - as it was a shared hobby - who was doing most of the talking.

[Claphands]

That would put me right off, I have a 15 month old and even I don’t go on about her because other people just aren’t as interested! Can you invite them but say ‘ just couples, like old times?’ You have to say something or the situation will,just annoy you so much it ruins the friendship so you have nothing to lose IMO

[The80sweregreat]

I agree with NWQM.
Some people are just ' dripping taps' with regards to talking.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

This is tricky. Her life has permanently changes with the addition of GC, and I can't see her becoming less obsessed with the baby, probably the opposite.

Sadly, I think you might need to just start backing off.

But try and 'adults only, just the four of us like the old days' approach first. Maybe something to do with the hobby you all used to share?

[onthenaughtystepagain]

Even when my own first baby was born I found baby conversations boring, they, babies, are really not so interesting.
I doubt you'll cure them though, they simply don't see what's wrong, they're obsessed and can't understand why you're not, they probably think you're odd not being so obsessed with your grandchildren. I get asked by friends about our grandchildren and will give a quick update and show the odd phone photo but that's about it.

[FrozenMargarita17]

I feel a bit sorry for her daughter. She must be engulfing!

[woolduvet]

Be careful about saying adults only. As 27 is an adult...

[The80sweregreat]

I think babies are fairly boring! I have children but used to enjoy not talking about them. I love them , that's all that matters!
Your friend's daughter is probably hen pecked too. Or just so used to it she doesn't mind it or find this situation odd.

[adulthumanwolf]

Tbh when people drone on too much about their babies I starting talking about my cat and showing them videos of him.

[WeepingWillowWeepingWino]

that is a very odd dynamic. Clearly neither your friend nor her DD can see that. It's sounds weirdly co-dependant.

What's going on with her DH and the DP of her DD, where are they in all this?

[Chamomileteaplease]

This is one of those times when you need to be very clear. Do you tend to arrange things by text or phone call? If by text, it makes it a little easier.

As others have said, this kind of thing sometimes has to be dealt with, whether it is unwanted husbands or adult daughters (wtf??!).

So I would be clear about what you want. Don't just suggest an adult type venue, I am sure you just want them to be able to come over to your house.

What did you used to do before the baby arrived? What would you like to do this time? Ask for it. Be clear.

You miss the old days. If they don't, then maybe you need to move on, sadly.

Also, I just love adorethebeach's suggestion of whenever she gets a photo out, have some ready of your grandchildren. Play tit for tat. Hilarious.

[Fairenuff]

'I've just had a message from her saying that she hasn't seen us for a while, so to let her know when I am next free during the day and she will bring her daughter and grandchild over so we can have a catch up and I can see how baby is growing, and we can sort out an evening when we can all meet up so that my DH doesn't miss out on seeing her grandchild too.'

Reply: 'No that's ok I don't need to see the baby or have constant updates. I'd really like to see you though and have some childfree time like we used to. I notice X is on at the cinema/theatre, how about we go see it and have a drink/meal afterwards?' and see what she says.

If she agrees and starts talking about the baby just say 'That's lovely but remember I told you I don't need these updates or to look at pictures. I'd just like us to talk about things like we used to'.

If she still keeps doing it, start turning down her invites because she's not respecting you.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

OP Couldnt you suggest trying that very new,exclusive ,posh restaurant in town you have been dying to try? Tinkly laugh to follow saying oh so light hearted of course it will be so nice for us all as couples to experience this together?? or something along those lines...see if you can get your friendship back on track.....other than that I dont know,but try for adult only venues...sometimes its not about what you say its about making things subtley obvious in a gentle way.

[CoraPirbright]

I would say “fantastic - come over for dinner. I am longing for a catch up!” & organise the date. Cook v specific things eg 4 individual pies and when they turn up at the door en masse make sure they see your face fall, your voice falter and then when you lead them in to the table they will see that you have FOUR place settings and NO FOOD for people who are NOT EFFING INVITED!!

Perhaps this will open a dialogue as to why they think that their 27 yr old daughter and baby are included in everything. It’s just weird - what 27 yr old wants to hang out with their parents and their mates? If they dont take the bloody hint then perhaps this friendship has, sadly, run its course.

[maddening]

Invite her out for a cocktail evening?

[Jenfur]

I have a workfriend like this. Her GC is the same age as my DS so I can't mention DS (which I do try not to do too much!) Without the conversation becoming about her GC instead. When she starts a conversation about her GC, I don't immediately start talking about what DS does because I'd feel it was rude.

Anyway, I agree with the evening outing to stop baby being included. Could you also try talking about your GC then say "oh listen to me going on about the grandkids! Let's change the subject! No more talking about babies today!"

Or as someone else say, talk about your grandchildren excessively and see if it gets pointed out

[woodcutbirds]

I'd let the friendship drift. The dynamic has changed massively and she's not at all sensitive to your needs and interests. I think it's lovely for her daughter's sake that she's so obsessed. But she needs to get her life back. there will be other grandchildren. And by the time she gets her sixth or seventh, she'll be so bored she'll be barely able to spend a day a year with them. She needs to pace herself!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

adulthumanwolf
That is a good comparison when people start droning on.

I also think you should do catch up just the 4 of you. Talking about adult things. How rude to assume you want to see the gc. Twice 😳

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

How about HI xxx thank you for the invite for us to get together,,,I have missed you and her DH ...have you seen the new show at the theatre> I was going to ring you and your dh to see if you will join us.? Keep the messages to her and husband and purposely do not mention her daughter and grandchild.Keep reitterating invite for her and her DH,,,dont let yourself waiver!!

[Meltedicicle]

You could suggest things that aren’t baby-friendly like a long walk on a non buggy friendly surface or something like that?! Or coincide meet ups at a time when the DD takes the baby to a baby group if she does those things.

I suppose it’s similar to when some people get pregnant and that’s all they go on about as if they’re the only people in the world to have a baby even if they weren’t interested when you were pregnant!

Unfortunately, I think because the DD and grandchild live with them, it’s probably all encompassing for them and your friends are probably going to be like this from now on-it’s unlikely to go back to how things were. If you don’t like it then I’d be inclined to either limit your meet ups or let things drift.

[WFTisgoingoninmyhead]

Oh dear OP, I am due my first GC in a few weeks and I fear I will be the same. I would expect my very best friends to say "WTFis, just shut up about little Jimmy, you are boring us" and eventually I will get the message. You have been friends for over 20 years, tell them FFS!!

[Rumbletum2]

I’d have plenty of photos of your GD ready and when she starts (“Have I shown you these latest photos of darling little Hortense??”) exclaim excitedly “Ooh yes I’ve got some of dear little Incontinentia to show you!! Shall we take turns? Ten minutes each and then swap over so we don’t bore each other haha!! Shall I go first?”

You have got to get across to her how it feels and how dull it is but sadly unless you’re happy to lose her you can’t say it in actual words.

[Jamhandprints]

You could reply saying: "We're free Friday at 7.30pm if you and OH would like to come for dinner. We can plan something with the rest of your family another time."

[M4J4]

I think your friend is being quite rude actually, because she's monopolising the conversation.

Maybe she needs a dose of her own treatment. Print a picture album online of your GC and bore her and her dd with it next time you see them. Hopefully they'll get the picture. (pun not intended).