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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH doesn't trust my gay friend?!?!

59 replies

ApplePieIsAmazing · 13/03/2019 01:34

I don't have many friends due to work but one of my friends is a guy around my age who is very much gay.

I invited him around on my day off and DH got pissy because he wasn't home and he says he doesn't trust him!

AIBU to keep this friend? He's really nice, and he's definitely gay, I've met his boyfriend.

OP posts:

adaline · 13/03/2019 07:48

There's no way on earth I would tell DH every time I had a friend over! It's my house, and if he's not home, what concern is it of his who I invite round?

I very much doubt many men would tell their wives every time a mate came over for a drink.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/03/2019 07:49

That isn't what you said though: you were specific about bringing a man into their home.

Obviously it would be a courtesy to mention bringing anyone home, especially if spouse/partner were going to be home.

CalmDownPacino · 13/03/2019 07:50

How is inviting a friend over "acting single"?!

Dippypippy1980 · 13/03/2019 07:51

Your husband sounds odd. He thinks your openly gay male friend will hit on you and clearly doesn’t think you will be able to resist?

How strange.

BiglyBadgers · 13/03/2019 07:52

This is another thread where the absurd double standards of mumsnet show, I bet if the sexes where reversed the response Would be rather different

You mean if her husband had invited a lesbian friend round? Why would the responses be different?

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 07:53

“Let's try to understand their from a male perspective rather than berating the man and burning our bras.“
Can you explain the male perspective to me please?

MistressDeeCee · 13/03/2019 08:01

You brought another man gay or not into the house, without giving him the heads up. It's a home that you both share. It's not that he doesn't trust your friend. He annoyed with your actions

Think this may be true.

I'm just thinking, if a man brought a woman friend into his home in the absence of his wife spent all day with her indoors, I wouldn't blame wife for at least wondering if there's anything going on. Even if husband said 'but she's gay'.

I don't think sexuality has anything to do with it at all. I don't necessarily think you are wrong either, just that Im surprised you'd not understand that your husband may be a bit wary. Do your female friends visit too?

nakedscientist · 13/03/2019 08:05

You brought another man gay or not into the house, without giving him the heads up. It's a home that you both share. It's not that he doesn't trust your friend. He annoyed with your actions

Do people seriously live like this? It sounds very much like he doesn't trust you or your friend. If this opinion means I am burning my bra then its up in smoke, I can tell you.

He sounds unreasonable and difficult to live with. It's your life OP, but others don't live like this. Bringing a friend around, without booking, is perfectly normal behaviour and it sounds like your 'D'H has control issues.

If it was 3am and you missed dinner, no contact, and came back singing loudly, pissed out of your heads, yes very rude. Normal social behaviour with a friend, perfectly fine.

BruceAndNosh · 13/03/2019 08:05

So your husband thinks that your male gay friend will make a move on you?
"so DH, are you saying that I look like a man?"

Fishwifecalling · 13/03/2019 08:05

How do you feel knowing that its you he doesn't trust?

Elloduckie · 13/03/2019 08:05

I showed this thread to my partner, asked him what he thought. He pretty much said if roles were reversed how would you feel. Having some woman in the house who I've never met, or met once or twice. I don't know this person etc. It's just basically a matter of respect.

As for the acting single Comment, when you are single you bring who ever you like into your home, without having to show courtesy to anyone. It's different when your living with a partner/married. I don't see what's so hard to understand. Am I missing something here?

Women ask for equality, but complain when they get it. He's obvs not homophobic otherwise he would engage with Ops gay friends. He has an issue with this one gay friend but not the others? Let's not assume OPs DH is something he is not is all I'm saying.

Loopytiles · 13/03/2019 08:09

So your H thinks your friend is bisexual and fancies you? Why?

He either trusts you or he doesn’t.

Springisallaround · 13/03/2019 08:10

My husband used to be a SAHD and invite female friends around for coffees when I wasn't there as there were only mostly females around in the daytime- why would I care? I don't tell him everything I'm going to do, or him me, both of us use our home as a base. He is more likely to be upset about a male friend coming around than I would about a female but he wouldn't say anything about it or try to stop it, just his mistaken impression I'm way hotter than I really am!

Gwenhwyfar · 13/03/2019 08:10

"I wouldn't blame wife for at least wondering if there's anything going on. Even if husband said 'but she's gay'. "

Because you wouldn't believe that the woman is a lesbian?
Because you think your DH is enough to 'turn' any woman?

MRex · 13/03/2019 08:13

I honestly can't get my head around asking permission for a friend to come over and I'd only tell DH in advance if he was going to be there or it came up, otherwise it would just be afterwards. My DH is friendly though. He's had a female friend over here, she isn't even a lesbian, but she's a friend not a fling, so I can't get my head around why I'd be supposed to care.

ThreeBagsFullofWool · 13/03/2019 08:16

So your friend was likely born gay, but your husband thinks you're the woman who's suddenly going to turn him straight or bi at least? Really? 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bomato · 13/03/2019 08:17

I could have a straight male friend round and my husband wouldn't care. Because he trusts me. Your husband is being ridiculous.

downcasteyes · 13/03/2019 08:17

This is ridiculous! Your husband is being a twat, and clearly doesn't understand being gay!

EveryYouEveryMe · 13/03/2019 08:19

So your friend was likely born gay, but your husband thinks you're the woman who's suddenly going to turn him straight or bi at least? Really?

anyone who believes this is a homophobe imo.

I really hope the OPs DH doesnt believe this!

Sparklesocks · 13/03/2019 08:21

You brought another man gay or not into the house, without giving him the heads up. It's a home that you both share

I know you read some total shit on here but this is next level

CostanzaG · 13/03/2019 08:31

women as for equality, but complain when they get it
I'm struggling to understand why this is an equality issue Ello

My and my DH had lives before we met. We each have friends that the other has never met or only met briefly. I don't need permission to see these people (male or female) and neither does my DH. It's about trust and respect. My DH went out for a drink after work with a women I've never met. Did I worry? No...of course not. But then I'm not a dick 🤷

MistressDeeCee · 13/03/2019 08:37

Gwen nah - it's various reasons to do with people lying about who they're fucking with. Just a general observation about life.

Think I've mentioned on here before working for a local authority for example, way back when. The number of people who were having affairs with oh s/he is just a colleague/friend was unbelievable. There was flexitime whereby you could take 2 1/2 hours lunch so it was easy enough for people to disappear to each other's houses.

I'm not suggesting OP is up to anything at all. I don't know her or her friend. Just that things that could be never, ever happen sometimes do, inexplicably...maybe we hats what her H is suspicious of.

I don't live with DP. In passing I may say oh so n so came round/spoke to so n so. Just part of general conversation sometimes.

I still don't think sexuality comes into it, I can say my mate is gay, for all anyone else knows, they may be bisexual and I've not said so. Gay friends I know aren't necessarily 'obviously gay' (?!) You wouldn't know they were gay if they didn't choose to tell you

Numptysod · 13/03/2019 08:43

My partner thinks I’m too friendly with meh yet I’m with him for 3/4 years! Most of friends are men, easier to get on with, my job is man dominant

Elloduckie · 13/03/2019 08:45

I've already said it's not about asking for permission. It's about telling the person that there's someone round when, male or female. I maybe it's a cultural thing that me and partner think this perhaps.

CostanzaG · 13/03/2019 08:47

Still failing to see how this is an equality issue? Ello

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