I can’t stand my MIL

[Lizmum1]

Aibu to completely resent her and have no interest in DH family

DH and I met six years ago when he had been separated for 2 years from his ex wife. They have 3 dcs together we have 2dc together.
Everything is extremely good with our ‘blended famiky’ Dh and his ex split on a mutual decision as they ‘fell out of love’ dh sees his dcs 2 week nights and every weekend. I get along well with their mother and we help each other out a lot. The kids are all very happy my dd loves going round to her siblings house and their mum buys our dcs gifts and so on. Dh pays his maintenance, all school trips, uniforms, any extra money they need and pays towards their holidays. We often buy them clothes ect and swap Xmas yearly where I do them all Xmas eve boxes pjs and make it super special. Me and his oldest dd go on days out together and she often asks me to attend her clubs I take the kids if dh can’t for any reason and I’m listed as an emergency contact by their dm.

So after that long back ground blabber - the issue. My MIL.

She is extremely bias. When I met her she was nice as pie and we always enjoyed visiting. She’s 200 miles away. My dh has an extremely damanding job and until next week when I start a new job (first in 3 years) he has been the main earner and self employed so taking time off is always tricky for him.

I’ve notice over the years my mil is very very two faced as she is constantly slagging off dh ex which I ignore. Apparently she’s never liked her. She also goes to town on the phone most weeks about my SIL - dhs’ Brothers wife. Dh has always supported his parents and helped them financially even though we aren’t ‘rolling in it’ so to speak.
Over the years he has put himself on tones of courses and worked right up to the top of his career. He is a workaholic but for the correct reasons. His brother is the opposite and is lazy , moody, no work ethic, constant problems with his wife they argue constantly and he is always being kicked out and goes running to his mother! My dh and his dad have carried BIL his whole life abs dh is constantly giving him jobs , driving him to and from work (5 miles out of his way each trip) and has helped him with loans countless times. MIL puts him on the biggest pedestal though and doesn’t acknowledge DH one bit. We don’t exist! Although my FIL is 70 he can’t afford to retire as she spends constantly (1k a weekend) she re does her kitchen yearly and has recently kitted it all out with SMEG appliances and everything in their house is top of the range including smart tv in every room (really big house). I could go on for years. FIL is commuting 400 miles round trip weekly and is staying with us and has done for 4 years. Rent free and doesn’t contribute a penny I cook his dinner and clean up after him he’s not got much respect for our home but he is a decent fella. A million times bette than mil

Main point - they treat us completely different to dhs brother and wife. Their 2 boys (gs) are utterly spoilt, doted on, go there every weekend because SIL works all weekend so BIL goes off to his mums and she looks after his kids whilst he sleeps the entire time on the sofa binging tv and goes mental at mil because his 2yesr old has a nappy rash and she hasn’t changed him !! They loan BIL 300 every week because he only lasts a few weeks in each job and is threatened divorce ect if he doesn’t pay the bills. SIL made him sign a prenup on the house. Her gran gave her 100k deposit on it and when they up sized her mum gave her 30k and the car is also in her name (finance) their entire house was renovated when she was on maternity leave and he wasn’t working. They’re up to their eyeballs in debt hence constant marriage issues. MIL is always on the phone screaming about her and how awful she is to her perfect son (eyeroll).

BUT on social media is the complete opposite. She comments likes loves and shares every single status picture or post SIL puts up of the kids and comments how beautiful she is on every selfie she’s always writing statuses about her ‘amazing lovely DIL’ but we cease to exist

We have helped them all out numerous times. SIL family live abroad and her sister was very ill once and BIL would loose his then job if he took time off so as well as having my toddler at the time I had their 6 month old and 3 year old for 10 days and nights. (Sent with 1 outfit each abs odd shoes)
They’ve never had our dcs once.
I’ve driven mil and FIL to the airport countless times at 3/4/5am staying up all night. We took mil abroad for a week and my dh was her skave made to order all her drinks get out the pool to order her food. Walk miles to get her cigarettes. Do her shoes up , I done her hair and makeup for hours each evening on holiday. I have driven to them several occasions to house sit and dog sit their 7 dogs! So they could go on holiday as no one else would. I cleaned for them, ive cooked for them, I’ve had her husband as a third child all these years, when they had car issues I gave them my brand new very expensive lease car for 2 weeks ,went to them after offering to dog sit so she could attend her mothers funeral. Countless things I couldn’t even jsit it all. And she hates me with a passion. She completely snubs me!

My SIL pregnancies have both been announced with hour page long essays on Facebook by MIL with the scan photos and how exited she is. Birth announcements have been the same often stating how proud she is of BIL and SIL and their babies. Every year on their anniversary a long post with numerous wedding photos are shown.

Nothing of our wedding. Nothing of us. Not a mention of our dcs. Occasionally of dhs 3dcs though.
On a blue moon she may like a photo of my dd (3) but never and I mean not once acknowledged my 2nd pregnancy to my ds (7months)
She didn’t congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth. Never asked for a scan or asked how we was. Never mentions or asked about ds eventhougg FIL lives here five days a week and they’re on the phone one hour a night! She’s never once liked a photo of him but she lives on social media has businesses on there so is online all day every day liking all SIL stuff. She has now started doing the same with dh ex wife! Really ass licking her abs inviting her to stay ect as if she’s part of the family not me (she thinks this is odd and uncomfortable)

When dd was born 3 years ago she come over held her for a min tops then focused on the other gcs never got a gift nor card. Wasn’t overly bothered until a year last BIL has a new baby and we all go to his house and mil is telling me ‘ I hope you got them a card! It is so important SIL is very funny on these things it’s very special to her for her keepsakes she’s keeps everything you know!’ I had indeed got one naturally and a beautiful gift. But it was in that moment I thought well I have keepsake boxes and I keep everything most mums cherish these things how rude that she didn’t give us anything but made a song and dance about us getting SIL stuff. It was that weekend they borrowed my car. I offered. They would’ve been stranded otherwise and not having a card being in the middle of nowhere with a new baby we forgot her mother day card so we ordered her a lovely gift that was delivered to her house on time. BIL got her a card only ( thought that counts obviously) and my dh was branded as a crap son, waste of space horrible human being and all over social media whilst posting pics of BIL and his baby saying how proud she was and lucky one son is good and doesn’t forget her!! All this time they had my car 200 miles away and a nice gift for mother’s day! Most recently though we was going to go there for Xmas but they only have 3 bedrooms and dhs 3 kids were planned to go and our dd. BIL turned up unexpectedly with his 2 ds and it was chaos. No space for us to go there with baby too. FIL says never again it was so stressful but she STILL disowned dh completely now and said to his dcs that are old enough to understand - that their dads a waste of space and selfish ect. All the time BIL was letting his sons break everything, be spiteful to step kids and dd and BIL blaming Mil for his sons nappy rash! SIL hasn’t visited in 3 years and tells me she hates them and has no interest and makes excuses so just sends BIL with their kids. So at Xmas time there was 6 kids - 3 being toddlers. 7 dogs plus BIL dog so 8. And 3 adults so no room for us to go to visit with the baby as planned. Mil told 13 year old step daughter she ‘didn’t know’ our baby. Which is true but her fault really. We haven’t been this year as we were disowned and called every name under the sun and now feel uncomfortable visiting but it goes in a circle so the more we don’t go the more we are slated and feel uncomfortable to visit.

In the past if I ever cooked for mil she would out of the blue mention how SIL is the best cook and state memories- 3 times just to make sure I heard. If I do anything SIL has done it 10x better , same if we go anywhere too. We have been saving hard for a mortgage deposit ourselves but SIL abs BIL are the best because they have a nice house - only because they were given 100k for it. And SIL has the nicest house , the nicest taste, the kids are so clever if SIL was mother of mine they would be clever too ( mine are extremely advanced which is commented on regularly by any they come across) SIL dresses her kids amazinly well , the list goes on!

I’m not jealous I’ve got over most of it. I get along well with SIL and dhs ex but why why why am I treated so differently and made to feel so shit.

She recently asked my step kids if I’m nice and if they like me which they told me about because we get along great! But I don’t undetant her behaviour constantly slagging of SIL to FIL and BIL but nice as pie about her and trying to play me against her and make me jealous.

I’m the only one that’s ever reached out and gone out my way to help the lot of them! My family are in disbelief tbh and so is my dh. FIL continues to live here Scot free in the meantime but we are shit and selfish apparently.

[Lizmum1]

NigellaAwesome

Thank you
We do well with the co parenting I think it’s just the normal for us. No hard feelings, bettter for the dcs, better for us and their mum. The way it should be

I know it was such a long post but it could triple if I listed everything tbh whoever got to the end deserves a medal !

I get your point completely but those inthe things I DID do when we were on better terms but after time I noticed the favouritism snarky comments and very nasty cruel comments against my dh playing him off against his brother and only recognising one of her sons and not acknowledging my dcs then I cut contact and stopped doing everything but since then she’s got worse and worse. Maybe it winds her up. She’s extremely childish!
What gets to me is how a mother can treat her sons so differently and I think I get upset on behalf of dh who’s used to it and doesn’t have any interest in her. Also get upset for our dcs who are lovely and ‘don’t exist’ and my step kids that now cry if they have to go there and she tries to poison them against us. She was going through my social media with step daughter (13) saying how I don’t look like me photos - I sure as hell don’t photo shop! But obviously make a effort when going out as apposed to when I’ve woken up zombified at her house or whatever also last time we visited with step kids we got a sickness bug and they’d just come back off holiday and step daughter wanted to show dh pics but he ran off to be sick. Later on he asked to see the photos from the holiday and mil said to step daughter don’t bother he wasn’t interested earlier he had his chance. Basically tries to make out he doesn’t care about his kids and is a crap dad but he is 100% the opposite.
Rambling on now just feel bad for dh and all the children and feel curious to why she behaves this way

[Happynow001]

Sorry OP that was all really hard to read but why are you letting (encouraging!) these people to walk all over you? You are definitely at the bottom of the ladder where all three (MIL, FIL and your husband who,sorry, is enabling them) are concerned. How do MIL, FIL and BIL enrich your lives at all?

You and your husband need to sit down (a day when FIL is not living with you) and discuss the way forward properly because this can't continue indefinitely. And when your FIL (who is enabling his wife's extravagance) is in your home he can't leave everything for you to do - are you the maid?

And why are you and DH bankrolling the in-laws when you need that for your own family? It doesn't seem to make them respect you any more.

Nothing will improve until the two of you (you and DH) formulate a plan for the future and stick to it. Maybe take a leaf out of SIL's book?

[RomanyQueen1]

I don't know what anyone on here can say apart from stand up for yourself, stop the financial support, but also your dh is happy to do this, so maybe good idea to get him on board too.

[ViolaD77]

I do love a MIL post... Hate mine.... You know that sayin of when you're older you wish you had told more people to f**k off? Well, the first time my MIL crossed me was her last... and life has been wonderful the past 4 years without her in it. Even DH said it did him a favour.
Nip this crap in the bud now OP and tell DH you're cutting MIL off. He will respect your wishes and it'll show her you're no fool and won't be treated like one! Plus with DH 's backing she'll look like a prized pratt!

[Lizmum1]

Happynow001

Dh has no contact with mil anymore, we are doing very well in our relationship happy house happy co parenting ect

I don’t know how to get over the FIL thing though dh pays all the bills. I know I contribute through riasing the kids and everything house related and now a part time job but seeing as he pays the rent I feel unable to call the shots on who lives here. I also get along ok with FIL now and don’t know how to go about just kicking him out making him homeless

Feel very stuck and lost. Certainly when we buy he won’t be coming I’ll make sure there’s no room. SIL has got the right idea but she says all this to me they don’t know that she hates them and wouldn’t have him at all so she comes up smelling of roses. If I get rid of him I’ve actively kicked him out

[Smelborp]

Your FIL doesn’t have to sleep in his car. He has £300 a month spare which he gives to your BIL who won’t let him stay. He can use that to find a hotel. If he won’t its not your problem.

You should have asked him to leave the moment he refused to acknowledge you in your own home.

You are partly to blame for this as you keep offering the use of your car, your home while they abuse you. Just stop.

[QueenEnid]

Someone sent me this last week op. X

[AsparagusSoup]

Fil is massively taking the piss, tell him to sling his hook, the CF!

[Lizmum1]

Queenenid

I love that !

[Lizmum1]

FIL has lived with us 4 years
Always luckily had a spare room at this house it’s a downstairs room off the living room. I would love it as a play room he’s supposed to have been retiring 4 times now but always outstays his welcome. Not sure how to go about politely kicking him out - out of the blue

[ThreeBagsFullofWool]

Go to your FB feed and use one of the highlighted options on your MIL's posts OP. You can always do the same on SIL, BIL, and even the Ex to stop from seeing her gushing all over their posts.

[WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo]

'Dear FIL, I'm afraid that from xxx date we will no longer be able to offer you our childrens playroom. We really did not anticipate it being a long term arrangement and with a growing family we no longer have the time or space to accomodate anybody. I am sorry that the current arrangement is no longer working for us.

Best Wishes

DH & Lizmum1'

[WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo]

and mean it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Does your fil give your bil £300 every week? Well that’s market rent in the outskirts of London on a studio with change to spare for food and bills. It’s the world backwards. He pays one child rent and they give him nothing and gives the other child nothing and they give him everything

Time to change this. Your dh needs to write that letter and include the financials as well. He’s obviously very high earning if your mil fritters away thousands.

What I cant fathom if his income is so high why didn’t he buy a little place years ago. Why are you making their financial mismanagement your problem?

[Rockmysocks]

Absolutely whatwouldchristinecagneydo says regarding fil.
He can afford to give your bil 300 a month so could stop funding him and get lodgings elsewhere.

Putting up with the rest of the nasty behaviours is insanity. Seriously, do you need permission to stop hitting yourself on the head with a house brick?!

There is nothing in it for you except pain, upset and trauma. No love, support, money, gratitude.... nothing.
Kick the tapeworm out, the one who you say has no respect for your home, and fuck the ILs off. Shutdown, block, ignore.

[BlueMerchant]

Just curious. Do they have a really big house or a 3 bed?

[Gruffin]

She does this this because you let her. It’s your own fault. Bin FB. Feel the freedom 🙃

[PregnantSea]

Why are doing so much for them when they treat you like this? Just stop it. You're just punishing yourself at this point. They're arseholes and they don't make an effort with you. Just forget it and move on

[echt]

You can:

1. Change your name to Axminster, because you are letting you DH;s family walk all over you.
   

1. Adopt some of the excellent suggestions made upthread.
   

Why do you resent MIL, but not the ligger FIL who has leeched off you for years?

It's down to you to change things.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Someone needs to grow a backbone here OP.I would suggest for a start turfing FIL out of YOUR home.Totally unacceptable that he is there invading your space,,utterly ridiculous,how exactly are you meant to look after the kids and see to him too,having no privacy with your dH? It is scandalous...Secondly why do you care so much about inlaws? Do they have a hold on you for some reason? You married their son not them so therefor you need take no notice of their demands.I think you should concentrate on your hubby and your kids.If they have an issue its their problem not yours.As for BIL and SIL again stop,,,its nothing to do with you ..refuse to engage with the drama..they are old enough to sort out what ever issues they have without your input.They all treat you like this because lovely lady you have let them.Now its getting too much you need to bite back.You have permission to say no!! No more of anything.I would also get rid of social media what you cant see wont upset you.And for heavens sake put the cow of a MIL in her place once and for all ...if you dont nothing will ever change.Get your husband on board and decide whats best for your family.If he wont then you refuse to engage with them..if they ring tell then he will call them back.If they rant tell them they are ranting to the wrong person cos you have had a gutfull and arent interested anymore...You need to take charge and set the course for your life.They should have no say what so ever ....stop letting them.

[diabeticsanon]

tbh reading all that was like reading 'war and peace' seriously though i would go / low contact with fil and mil, not helping them out at all, if they has that much money to throw around fil can stay in a hotel instead. stop enabling them, easier said than done but once you unload this rubbish out of your life you will feel to much better for it.

[Gazelda]

They're not going to change. You'll never be able to understand her. Your BIL will always sponge while he can get away with it

You rent at the moment, yet want to buy. Surely that's your get out with FIL. "We need to downsize so that we can save for a deposit, can you make other arrangements for your accom please"

[Nairobe]

I thought i needed it (and i definitely do) but you really need to read 'the life changing magic of not giving a fuck' which is actually 'the life changing magic of holding tight and prioritising those who matter and not giving a fuck for the toxic ones.'

Your mil is toxic as anything. Your fil needs to leave, the text by a pp is great you and your family need just you time and peace.

[FatherDickByrne]

Sounds awful. I would try the following before going low (or no) contact.

Talk to DH & make sure you’re on the same page. Ask for a face-to-face meeting with MIL & FIL. Tell them what you’ve told us here. Get everything out in the open. Be clear & don’t back down. Tell them you’d like to find a way forward but are prepared to walk if they don’t sort themselves out. Make decisions based on their response.

I always think it’s best to get things out in the open if you can. Scary but much better than keeping secrets, dwelling on things, storing up resentments, communicating in a superficial way. Let them know you’re upset & why and tell them things need to change. Be strong & stand up for yourselves!

[jennymalone]

OP, you are encouraging this madness.

Of course you can choose to not allow FIL to live with you.

Just sit him down with a timeline and explain that the setup of him living in your children's playroom isn't working, and you never realised it would be taken as he's moved in permanently. You need it back. Give him a month to sort something else out, but enforce the timeline you gave.

that's it.

You don't have to live with someone you don't want to. You do realise that, right? Every adult gets to choose who they live with.

You are basically enabling & participating in the fucked up family dynamic that your DH's family have (e.g. in laws give BIL money but FIL could only afford to sleep in his car? MIL spends so much on house items yet they can't afford a taxi to go on holiday?) - you need to extricate yourself if you're serious about moving on from this mire of nonsense you and DH have sleepwalked into.

Is this family what you want to show your children as "normal"? This is what they'll think is normal and acceptable in future.