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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel horrified by this personal attack

77 replies

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 21:15

Hello.

I've name changed for this as I'm so ashamed. I am a single mother with beautiful young children. An old friend contacted me via fb over 3 years ago and we began what I can only describe as an emotional affair. I think I was vulnerable and needed the company.

Any way fast forward and 2 years ago I loaned him nearly £6000 - I am so trusting and he did say he would return it. But he has only returned £500. But I was so deeply in love with this man I didn't care
Money was not important he was.

Late last year I went to visit.him abroad even though it was so hard for me. I stayed with him for 2 weeks and we had the most amazing time together. I slept with.him and he even asked me to be in a long term relationship. I was so happy. The first time we had sex he did say to me what's that smell and I laughed saying sometimes there is a smell after sex..

2 days ago I was getting fed up of bring permanently skint and my car gave up on me so I asked him for some cash in a nice email.

He called me very very drunk at night and said that I was annoying him by asking for money knowing he hasn't got it at the moment - I said no it's ok just give it to.me when you have it. He them said that I really smelled down there when we were intimate and that that was proof I was sleeping around with a different man every day !!! He swore at me and called me all sorts if unrepeatable names. I was horrified and told him in no uncertain.terms to do one !!
He blocked.me and told.me to never call him again.

I am so hurt that all my feelings for this man were obviously misplaced and he has been so cruel I will never forgive him . I have been told I'm a beautiful woman and shower everyday amd pride myself on good hygiene. He has humiliated me and made me feel worthless.

I.sent him an email and told him he was an uneducated baffoon and got alot off my chest..but I feel so cheap.

How could I be so stupid. I trusted him intimately after a very long time and he has made me feel like a whore.

Plse tell me I'll get over this. I've been quietly seething for 2 days and desperately want revenge!!!

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 12/03/2019 21:43

Op, the things that he says d are all about him, and how low he is and nothing about you. He doesn’t think that I’m reality, it’s j st a way of controlling you and not paying the money back.
Get back on your feet, be that beautiful woman you know you are and let his nastyactions come back and bite him.

Original poster

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 21:43

What i meant was. Because we did not really see each other regularly and just txt and watsapped all the time it felt like an emotional affair than a relationship.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 12/03/2019 21:46

Do you have it in writing that it was a loan?

Original poster

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 21:48

Yes I have all the email and watsapp messages that it was a loan.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2019 21:48

It wasnt an affair op, it was an online relationship.

Op, you'd been texting him for three years, and only saw him last year. When was the last time you met him before this?

And when you say old friend, can you clarify that further?

Guineapiglet345 · 12/03/2019 21:49

I don’t think you’ll see that money again, even if you have it in writing and take him to court in whatever country he’s in he’ll just not pay. Can you afford to write it off and consider it an expensive lesson in never lending anything you can’t afford to lose.

PorterBella · 12/03/2019 21:53

Don't beat yourself up, op, you're one of life's good guys and unfortunately you came across one of life's complete cunts.

hellenbackagen · 12/03/2019 21:54

Fuck losing that money! Small claims court and /or legal advice.

What a bastard! Do not write that money off! No way! He owes tounit back and I'd be lootst how to get it beck in no uncertain terms!

velourvoyageur · 12/03/2019 21:57

OP I am really sorry he's treated you with so little respect.

If it's any consolation, people are never 100% good or bad, and I am sure he did feel genuine affection for you, so while it was definitely a ridiculous decision to loan him £6k, you don't necessarily have to beat yourself up over the fact that you 'read him wrong' or that you're not a good judge of character or something - but going forward obvs be aware that we can never know someone completely. You sound very loving and generous and unfortunately he happened not to be deserving of that, but that's on him, not you. He just seems far too weak and dishonourable to be able to hang on to that affection towards you when you are making demands on him. I'd hazard a guess that he is feeling extremely anxious, on some level (maybe he's not even aware of it himself and has convinced himself you are the unreasonable one as self-protection) about the fact he owes you so much money, but has no clue how to deal with that maturely.

Forgiveness is a rubbish concept - just file this away so you can refer to it in the future, and make it your goal just to move on (plotting revenge is the opposite of moving on). You are much stronger than he will ever be and you can absolutely get past this. Hope you sort the car situation soon.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/03/2019 22:01

Others have said it all before I reached the thread. Abusive males use this kind of hurtful comment to leave their targets feeling more vulnerable. It was nothing but an excuse not to repay you. The fact that he chose to have sex with you first and then resorted to this behaviour: well, isn't that about as low as he could possibly sink?

Hugs to you OP. So angry on your behalf. What a grade A shit.

Rayne23 · 12/03/2019 22:11

I would make sure you keep a copy of all those emails/messages about the money being a loan. Could be used as evidence if you did try to persue getting the money back.

I know people are saying you were silly to lend him the money but you aren't alone in this. It's been over the news before about very professional intelligent women who have done the exact same thing. It's easy sometimes to get caught up in something and do things you normally wouldn't. Take it as a harsh life lesson, hold your head up high and drown out any of those lies he told you.

Original poster

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 22:14

Bluntness I first met him over 15 years ago and he really like me but I wasn't ready for a relationship. He came to the UK on a visit. He used to be a wealthy man but lost it all due to bad decisions. When he got back in touch he said he never forgot me ..and I was lovely and fell for him stupidly.

OP posts:

SpiritedLondon · 12/03/2019 22:16

It takes a grade A shit to con money out of a single parent!

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 12/03/2019 22:17

velourvoyageur beautifully put.

Agree with everyone... You've done nothing wrong and he's clearly trying to get away without paying you back.

It's worth a go to get it back. But even more worth moving away from him emotionally and being in a better place to one day meet one else. Someone better.

Original poster

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 22:21

Well my rise tinted glasses have well and truly broken. I have realised my stupidity buy also am confident enough to not left his personal remarks get me down. I have just started my own business and am determined to do good for my children and myself. Thanks all for the handhold xx

OP posts:

BlackPrism · 12/03/2019 22:22

@Terriblyhurt32 an emotional affair is when you're cheating. It's just an online relationship, not an affair.

Original poster

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 22:23

Blackprism thanks for that x

OP posts:

Ateallthechoccies · 12/03/2019 22:46

What a massive prick. I met someone through online dating who a few weeks into it told me he loved me and was going to move house to live closer to me. I was a single mum at the time too and I just sensed he wasn't quite right and called it off. He then used the exact same tactics your guy did (is it the same person?!) - first he sent me 100's of text messages a day saying the most vile and disgusting things (including the smell thing) and then they changed to pleading and how he had never met anyone like me and was falling in love and was so sorry. Then he said he would call social services and say I was an unfit mother at which point I called the police. They had a word with him and he sent me one text apologising and never contacted me again. I had never met anyone so horrible in my life and the relationship wouldn't have progressed as far as it did if I hadn't been so emotionally vulnerable after finding out ex-dh had got someone he knew pregnant. We had broken up a few months ago and I was just lonely. Don't be too hard on yourself OP, it happens. He's the prick, you're just a nice trusting person. If you want to go after the money then go for it, even if you don't, I think it's worth losing 6k to see his true colours before the relationship went any further. Big hugs and to you OP. x

Ateallthechoccies · 12/03/2019 22:48

And don't be too hard on yourself, you're not stupid, just having a hard time and were trusting towards someone you thought you knew.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2019 23:00

Well love, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. I expect most of us fall for someone who is unworthy of us and get fleeced in one way or another. Please don't beat yourself up. Just join the rest of us in the 'Sisterhood of Never Again'.

You'll move forward from here into a happy and fulfilled life.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/03/2019 23:01

So this has happened to a couple of us, sadly...the abuse thing, aside from the money issue. My XH occasionally used to go down the 'you smell' route. He was an abusive arsehole, with a deep, mostly suppressed, but not always, hatred of women.I'm sure we can't all smell. There are are plenty of them about unfortunately. And they all follow the same script.

Original poster

Terriblyhurt32 · 12/03/2019 23:01

@Ateallthechoccies I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. It is very easy to get sucked in and I'm at you saw sense and ended it. I think abusive men can be very charming and master manipulators when it comes to vulnerable woman. Lesson learn and I will never be so trusting again x

OP posts:

Ateallthechoccies · 12/03/2019 23:20

Yes exactly OP and Spongebob - they are just straight up misogynists. Because the guy I was seeing turned out to be nasty and also clearly volatile and dangerous, I felt incredibly grateful just to be shot of him. It's a rare woman who gets through life without any kind of sexual abuse, attempted rape, or straight up nasty misogyny. We aren't to blame and none of us are alone xx

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/03/2019 23:29

I agree Ateall it's horrible to have these experiences, but even on this thread there are 3(?) of us having had experience of arseholes following the same script. I actually hadn't thought of it for years until I read this. You do realise from sharing this stuff, horrible though it is. It's not us, it's them and

Happynow001 · 13/03/2019 01:15

Actually you say he paid you £500 back? Can you link that back to the loan (correspondence, texts, bank statement showing the cash transfer, etc) as that might help confirm an expectation to repay?

I'm sure you've learned from this - it's really hard to say 'No' to people you care for asking for monetary assistance but it's even harder repeatedly asking for repayments afterwards- been there...

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