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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel a hen weekend because I don't want to leave my 17 month old?

41 replies

burnsy555 · 09/07/2007 13:19

I agreed to go on a friends hen weekend (next weekend) to centerparcs (booked in March/April) but as it's got closer I have now backed out of it as I just can't bring myself to leave my 17 month old dd. The hen is now not talking to me. I feel bad but think I have done the right thing. Am I a crazy for not wanting to leave my daughter?

OP posts:
tiredemma · 09/07/2007 13:21

Only you as a mother can decide that, I would have jumped at a chance away from my child at 17mths! Everyone is different.

But ultimatly it is your decision

winestein · 09/07/2007 13:21

Not if you don't want to.
I assume the hen won't lose out financially though?

JodieG1 · 09/07/2007 13:21

I wouldn't have left her either.

littlelapin · 09/07/2007 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaylaandSethsmum · 09/07/2007 13:22

You've done what is right for you, I am sure your daughter would have been absolutely fine while you were away but you didn't want to go so don't beat yorself up about it. I can see it from the hen's pov aswell though, you may need to make an extra effort to explain it to her.

bobsmum · 09/07/2007 13:23

When did you back out? If it's a last minute decision, then it could be more about that than about your actual personal reason.

FWIW I wouldn't have left my 17 mth old for a weekend either, but I know a lot of people wouldn't have to think long to decide.

lulumama · 09/07/2007 13:23

it is short notice to cancel , and i presume it is a good friend

why do you not want to leave your daughter? is it the first time you have left her? there has to be a first time ......

how many nights away is it? one or two?

i presume your DD will be looked after by someone capable

dal21 · 09/07/2007 13:30

Think it is the late notice that may have upset her. I would at least send her a bunch of flowers with a lovely card to let her know how sorry you are and also offer to recompense financially if she is out of pocket. People start dropping out nearer dates of these things occasionally and you may not be the only person who has cancelled.

Original poster
burnsy555 · 09/07/2007 13:34

I have left her for a weekend before and it was horrible. She would be fine with her dad and they'd probably have a great time. I should never have agreed to go in the first place but thought I could go through with it but as its got nearer I've realised that I can't. She won't lose out financially, I'll lose £90 so it's not a decision I have taken lightly. It would be 3 nights away and as I don't drive I'd have to stay for the 3 nights. The damage appears to be done now anyway. Just have to wait and see if I'm univited to the wedding!

OP posts:
lulumama · 09/07/2007 13:35

I can see both POV, and TBH, i am more inclined to see why the Hen is upset with you.....does she have children herslef?

LaylaandSethsmum · 09/07/2007 13:36

Try and sort it out with her before the wedding, you should really make the first move I think.

EnidJane · 09/07/2007 13:37

well I backed out of a friends 40th last year as I didnt want to leave my 6 month old

she hasnt really spoken to me since so I lost a great friend over it

terribly

Original poster
burnsy555 · 09/07/2007 13:48

lulumama - the hen has no children but even if she did she might be happy to leave hers, everyone is different. I wish I had just gone now but even if I changed my mind she probably wouldn't want me there

OP posts:
TutterJane · 09/07/2007 13:49

i've pissed friends off before now as i don't want to leave ds for more thna a night

i think all you can do is apologise thjat you left it so late to cancel

Tatties · 09/07/2007 13:50

Hi Burnsy

When you feel comfortable with leaving your child, and how long for, is a very personal thing. You are not crazy for not wanting to leave her, and you shouldn't feel pressured into doing so. I left ds with dp once in a similar situation for longer than I should have - I felt under pressure to go somewhere so I kidded myself it was going to be ok (but it wasn't)

Yes I think the hen is annoyed about you cancelling last minute, but often you don't know until the last minute how you will feel about leaving your child. She probably doesn't understand this and maybe thinks you're just making up some excuse not to go. I would try to explain to her honestly how hard it would be for you to leave your dd.

dissle · 09/07/2007 13:56

IMO i wouldnt be too hard on your self because there is absolutely now way, NO WAY of explaining your feelings about leaving your daughter to any one especially some one who doesnt have a child yet.

The feelings are overwhelming and that lead balloon in the pit of your stomach of anxiety when you even think about it just cannot be communicated or explained can it.

I know where you are coming from absolutely.
You need to feel 100% comfortable with it, if you dont then dont do it....but be strong with your decision.

Perhaps write her a nice card appologising and trying to explain to your friend.

lulumama · 09/07/2007 13:58

i agree taht you should explain to her , in a letter or card, how hard it is to leave your DD...but be prepared for her to not understand...if she is no longer your friend, then it is her loss. but she is in bride mode, and wants everything to be perfect. x

Original poster
burnsy555 · 09/07/2007 13:59

Thanks everyone, I'm sure I've made the right decision. (How are you tatties? I'm sure we met at coolcats once?)

OP posts:
Tatties · 09/07/2007 14:05

Dissle, totally agree with you.

Burnsy we did meet at coolcats, I am fine, how are you doing?

mojotalking · 09/07/2007 14:08

I left my DD for the first time at six months and truly dreaded it. However, I forced myself to go and I have to say that I had a bloody fantastic time at the Whitstable Oyster Festival 2000. However, I was only away for one night - two or three would have been pushing it for me (and her).

Friends are really important and you have to make them feel loved even though your DD is your number one priority right now. Your friend is probably very wound up about the wedding and, if you're good friends, then she may be really hurt at the sudden realisation that your baby comes before her in your prioroties. My best friend had kids before me and I found the change really traumatic!

Why not apologise to her in writing (stress how much she means to you!) and give her a choice of dates before or after the wedding when you can give her a day or evening of your undivided attention at your expense.

Good luck.

Mojo

winestein · 09/07/2007 14:11

Oh, I think 3 nights is too long a time for sure. Your daughter won't understand where you have gone for a start.
I think you have made the right decision too

bossykate · 09/07/2007 14:12

not unreasonable to pull out - but given the late notice a grovelling apology and bunch of flowers would not go amiss.

totally unreasonable to put her out of pocket - imo you'll have to pay up if centerparcs will still charge the full amount.

Rantmum · 09/07/2007 14:18

I left ds when he was 8 mths with his daddy while I went on a hen night for 2 nights for my closest friend, who was having a really rough year, her father was terminally ill - I was a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding and I couldn't have declined to go - it would have been unforgivable and unkind in the circumstances. Tbh, beforehand I dreaded it but in the end I was so glad that I went. Ds was fine, it was a good learning curve for dh, and I had a great time being me and not "mummy" for a weekend (i had almost forgotten what that felt like). I did miss him, but dh had ds on the end of the phone if I needed to touch base. Of course, you need to do what is right for your family, but I think it is easy to confuse what is right for the baby with what Mummy is actually feeling. I know I am guilty of this at times!

francagoestohollywood · 09/07/2007 14:32

I think you did what feels best for you and your family. I can also see the bride's pov, and I'd probably feel "hurt" for a while, but would never stop talking to a friend for something like this!
I always feel dreadful the 2 or 3 days before leaving the dc, I get all apprehensive, but then I go and have a great time. We left our first with my parents when he was 10 months old. I still remember those 3 days quite fondly (even if I rang 4 times a day).

plus30 · 09/07/2007 14:49

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I'm on a hen night next weekend - we're meeting for drinks,dinner and more drinks - but I'm going home at the end of it all - even if it is the wee hours of the morning I feel better knowing I'll be in the house when dd who is 21 months wakes up. I've arranged the evening as it's my best friend getting married and to be honest I was delighted that she didn't really want a big fuss made. We haven't left our dd for more than a couple of hours at a time yet and whilst lots of my friends think I'm bonkers and more than a tad OCD I can honestly say I don't really care. It's quite funny really as I never had myself down as the maternal type but I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. Anyway, if you weren't going to be happy then I think you are perfectly justified to pull out. So ok, it's short notice, but it could of been worse. And 3 days away is an awfully long time for a hen night - babies or no babies - or is that just another sign of getting older?! 3 days away drinking might just finish me off at this stage! So let it be known that you are sorry but don't put yourself through the mill, grovelling for forgiveness. You haven't done anything seriously wrong and you're the one out of pocket! And think of it this way - sad faces don't make happy hens!