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Original poster

Need to moan.... So called 'friend'

42 replies

ViolaD77 · 12/03/2019 17:32

I've moaned about this before on another board but further things have been said and I'm fuming to the point I can't help think I'm being irrational....your thoughts please....

One of my closest friends had trouble conceiving a few years back and she had an Ivf type treatment (few rounds of clomid and conceived naturally) and I was overjoyed for her when it was successful after much heartache she had been through personally having no family around and the setback of conceiving for many years. Out of our group of friends I was the only one excited about becoming an 'aunty' and she always said she felt uncomfortable talkin about her pregnancy to the others because they aren't into kids, they change the subject, they're more into going out etc, don't make an effort'. I knew our other friends were like that as they are single /into their careers but I didn't expect anything, that's just how they are but they're still our friends 🤷🏽‍♀️ so I organised her baby shower, went to baby shows with her, got everyone involved, spoilt her unborn as I was so excited about it for her and with knowing she didn't feel the others bothered.
Fast forward 4 years later... I've had ivf myself (icsi), the few close friends mentioned above were aware and all of them contacted me... Apart from said friend who had fertility issues!!
During my cycle, I would msg her to tell her updates as I thought she was the only one who'd understand and I thought that she'd be interested having had treatment herself and the want to have a baby.
But Everytime, she would sweep it under the carpet, didn't want to meet up as usual, cut me off and say one line answers, something like 'oh keeping my fingers crossed for you xxxx' and wouldn't acknowledge anything I said and wouldn't carry on the Convo like she was interested. After that I felt awkward.
Anyways my cycle failed and..... she didn't contact me at all... which I found so bizarre.

Recently One of our other friends told me she msged them and said 'her ivf obviously didn't work, I feel awkward, I'm not goin to msg her, it's awkward'. I felt so hurt by this. I have been there for her so much with her difficult pregnancy, problems with her partner and was an ear when she felt no one cared about her pregnancy. I feel so different towards her now and I don't even want to talk about my next cycle in our group chat.
I understand it may be awkward because she has a son now as her treatment worked but I feel like that's a cop out reason to not msg me. We've been friends 20 years after all.

I didn't hear from her for about 2 months after my failed cycle and then she msged out the blue asking if I'll babysit which I declined, said I was busy, I think she was surprised at this as I would babysit them alot for her as her and her partner split.

After that, I was fuming and haven't heard from her apart from the odd Convo in our group WhatsApp chat with other friends.

I'm now having my second round of ivf and our friend has told me she has asked about me. I've told friend not to tell her anything. I know this maybe a 'nice' thing to ask after me but why the hell doesn't she message me? She finds it awkward asking me how I am but she isn't awkward in asking me to babysit.... Angry
Weekend just gone she asked us all in our group chat if anyone wanted to do anything, I said yes, shall we go for food? and she said she'd msg me to plan, hour later her response was 'I'm so silly, I just realised I've got loads on so can't do anything today, must see you soon though'. I'm half expecting to find out she went out with our other friends but lied to me so she can avoid me.
Am I being OTT and hormonal ... I was gutted last time but I'm furious this time, I literally don't want to speak to her ever again. I would've put it down to she was busy with life and didn't know how to deal with the situation but to not feel awkward asking for a favour after no contact for 2 months..?!! ..... I feel like I've been mugged off and I resent being there for her.... Deep rage.... Am I being OTT and unreasonable? I want to have it out with her but it'll make it awkward for my other friends (other friend asked me to not repeat what she told me) plus I'm trying to concentrate on my second cycle and just forget this but I can't, it's really bothering me Sad

OP posts:
RosieEffect · 12/03/2019 17:38

What appalling behaviour from your friend! She sounds really immature and self centred. I think distancing yourself and spending as much time with your other lovely friends is all you can do. She doesn't know how or want to be there for you and she's not worth the aggravation. It's really unfair as you were such a lovely friend to her. I'd be fuming too.

foxsbiscuit · 12/03/2019 17:46

Poor behaviour on her part. The only thing I can think is that maybe she felt hard to be around people with children when she was going through fertility treatment but that wouldn't explain why she would ask you to babysit.I would be direct and ask her..

Grumpelstilskin · 12/03/2019 17:48

Tell her she is a cuntywanker and then blame it on the hormones. Slightly more serious though OP, so sorry to hear about such a disloyal friend. Don't bother about her for the time being. Focus on you and the current IVF round.

Sparklesocks · 12/03/2019 17:51

Really poor show on her front, YANBU at all. She doesn’t sound emotionally mature enough to support a friend during IVF despite knowing how hard it can be.

TinselAndKnickers · 12/03/2019 17:56

That's so rude of her - if she's asked about you she should have done that to YOU in a kind way not just asking you to babysit. Meanie.

screamifyouwant · 12/03/2019 17:58

I'd have it out with her . You don't need to mention what your friend said in confidence but just say why did you Make out you had plans are you trying to avoid me ? , say this silly if you feel awkward please don't we've been friends a long time .

Kintan · 12/03/2019 17:59

Did you already post this or am I having a weird sense of dejavu?
In any case your friend is not really your friend I don’t think. Unless the whole IVF experience was so traumatic for her that she just wants to put it behind her? Hope everything works out for you OP!

HarrysOwl · 12/03/2019 18:01

OP that's really, really shitty of your friend.

Sounds like you were a fantastic support to her, but now you could do with some support she's let you down. Which hurts more because she should understand the pain of infertility.

Forget her. Try to keep positive, put energy into reciprocal friendships and I'm hoping your current round of IVF goes smoothly with the best possible outcome!

X

Littleraindrop15 · 12/03/2019 18:05

She's such a shit friend I would wash my hands of her and let the whole group know what shitty behaviour she has. The cheekiness is unreal. I hope your other friends are supportive and you can forget about her

ThreeBagsFullofWool · 12/03/2019 18:08

What a horrible time to find out your "friend" is a self-centred cunt. I'd have it out with her, then block her everywhere.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 12/03/2019 18:13

She is a really shit friend.
My sister has been in a similar situation (supported a friend through IVF but when a few years later her own IVF failed she was nowhere to be seen) and she has had to remove her completely from her life because it was making her so, so angry.

It’s sad that it is such a long friendship but you don’t need any added stress in your life. Would you want her around your baby, knowing she ignored your struggle when you had been so supportive?

All the best to you OP.

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 12/03/2019 18:14

And btw, you sound like the kind of friend most people would feel privileged to have.

Original poster
ViolaD77 · 12/03/2019 20:10

Thanks, that's very kind of you to say xx

OP posts:
gingerbiscuits · 12/03/2019 20:52

What a shitty, unnecessary way to behave - she's a cow - cut her out & be done with her - you don't need the stress.

I totally get what you're going through, having been there myself - it's brutal. I wish you all the very best of luck. XX

Georgieporgie1916 · 13/03/2019 00:39

Op, I recall your previous post (I think). What a shitter, it does sound like she's avoiding you which is so immature on her part. She is single and no family around? She should appreciate her friends, sounds very selfish and insensitive. F* her off, she's not a mate!

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/03/2019 00:43

Ugh she’s a dick. Hard to absorb OP but you need to connect with the fact she is NOT a friend and go from there.

Stay in the group chat, talk to others, make plans with others...don’t avoid a meet up just because she’ll be going...treat her as unimportant either way. It’s the only way forward.

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:29

She sounds quite selfish. But also she may also be quite traumatised from her experiences and not want to relive them again. One of my twins died and there is no way I could go on to support someone who had lost a twin. It’s too raw and personal zm. So I do kind of understand the rational of your friend.

Arowana · 13/03/2019 05:24

My guess is that, when she was going through fertility treatment herself, she had feelings of jealousy towards people with kids, and preferred not to see them, which is quite normal for someone who is struggling to conceive and it all seems so unfair. So, she’s now assuming that you feel the same way, and that seeing or speaking to her will be hard and painful and make things worse for you.

Is that possible?

PregnantSea · 13/03/2019 05:43

Haha Grumpelstilskin that's an excellent response!

I agree with others though, this is a poor show from your friend. Still, the friendship may still be salvageable at this point, if you want it to be. She obviously cares because she's asking other people how you are. If you want to stay friends and can forgive her behaviour (which you definitely aren't obliged to!!) Then I'd suggest just being really direct with her. You don't have to rat your other friend out and mention that message, but just say that she's obviously avoiding you and it's hurting you because you need her support right now. Just force her to talk openly and have it out with her.

Littleseed · 13/03/2019 05:51

Hi @ViolaD77

I think you were an amazing friend and a fantastic support for her. What you did for her represents your inner beauty- don't let her behaviour make you resent the beautiful person you are and all the good you did.

Yet at the same time, sometimes life shows us who our real friends truly are so we can just walk away- some people are a drain and it's best to let them go.

Right now, you've got an exciting new chapter starting, focus on that, and we're all here for you. Flowers

redexpat · 13/03/2019 05:55

I think shes got good intentions, and clearly cares about you and your feelings. But she is assuming that you feel the same way as she did. The only way this will change is if you confront her. It doesnt have to be aggressive. You could use the mutual friend to relay that you are hurt by her silence and would really like some xontact or you could just private message her with the same.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/03/2019 06:34

I’m not sure that she actually believes you don’t want to see her. I think she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to support you so is rationalising it as you being upset. Thus protecting herself. She is a fair weather friend at best.

In your position I would continue to be friends with the others but ignore any comments from her in future. I can understand why you are fuming. The best way to rationalise this is if you reframe this as she is unable to help you through this rather than choosing not to.

As for her being traumatised from ivf as a pp said. She didn’t go through ivf. Taking clomid tables is not the same as injecting yourself daily with a cocktail of hormones, having 2 minor surgeries and four injections in your vaginal wall. I understand it’s also an emotional rollercoaster and the is pressure to have sex at the right time. But it really isn’t anywhere near as final if it fails. Or expensive.

I understand that this must be very stressful so I’m not trying to underestimate what she went through. However in terms of the toll on your body, not the same so your comparison is a false one. Stop trying to rationalise that her experiences and yours were similar. They are all individual and some people have better mental health than others. It sounds as though yours is more robust. She had the support of a trusted friend, which makes life far easier. She otoh is a bit of a drama queen.

Ruru8thestars · 13/03/2019 06:52

Did she meet up with others? I’d keep well away from her

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 13/03/2019 07:01

She does sound rather immature op. Some people are like this though - they shy away from people who are having medical problems. They say it's because they feel awkward and don't know what to say, but I've always suspected they have a deep-seated fear that trouble might be catching. They may not mean to be, but they're fair weather friends. Asking you to babysit means she can get over it long enough to obtain a favour though Hmm

If you're feeling kind, write her a letter saying that you've noticed she seems uncomfortable talking about your IVF cycles and that you assume that's the reason she hasn't been in touch. Say you're hurt by that, as you're still the same person you were before and you were hoping to be able to talk to her about it - just to vent rather than for any advice. Leave it there and see what she says.

Whereareyouspot · 13/03/2019 07:02

Horrible selfish woman

You sound utterly lovely- so caring to her

I’d not contact her privately at all and delete any one on one messages to you from her but stay in the group

If the other group mention it just say she hasn’t been in touch with you at all except asking you to babysit and having been very hurt you now just feel it’s better to have a safe distance but to please not exclude you from the group stuff as you will make sure it won’t be awkward

Difficulty is whilst you have done nothing wrong if you are awkward in the group you may find it’s you that gets excluded and you will need your friends and nights out once you are a mum even more.

Good luck with your second round- try and focus on that and not give her any headspace. She really isn’t worth it and stress needs to be minimised when TTC.