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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need to moan.... So called 'friend'

42 replies

ViolaD77 · 12/03/2019 17:32

I've moaned about this before on another board but further things have been said and I'm fuming to the point I can't help think I'm being irrational....your thoughts please....

One of my closest friends had trouble conceiving a few years back and she had an Ivf type treatment (few rounds of clomid and conceived naturally) and I was overjoyed for her when it was successful after much heartache she had been through personally having no family around and the setback of conceiving for many years. Out of our group of friends I was the only one excited about becoming an 'aunty' and she always said she felt uncomfortable talkin about her pregnancy to the others because they aren't into kids, they change the subject, they're more into going out etc, don't make an effort'. I knew our other friends were like that as they are single /into their careers but I didn't expect anything, that's just how they are but they're still our friends 🤷🏽‍♀️ so I organised her baby shower, went to baby shows with her, got everyone involved, spoilt her unborn as I was so excited about it for her and with knowing she didn't feel the others bothered.
Fast forward 4 years later... I've had ivf myself (icsi), the few close friends mentioned above were aware and all of them contacted me... Apart from said friend who had fertility issues!!
During my cycle, I would msg her to tell her updates as I thought she was the only one who'd understand and I thought that she'd be interested having had treatment herself and the want to have a baby.
But Everytime, she would sweep it under the carpet, didn't want to meet up as usual, cut me off and say one line answers, something like 'oh keeping my fingers crossed for you xxxx' and wouldn't acknowledge anything I said and wouldn't carry on the Convo like she was interested. After that I felt awkward.
Anyways my cycle failed and..... she didn't contact me at all... which I found so bizarre.

Recently One of our other friends told me she msged them and said 'her ivf obviously didn't work, I feel awkward, I'm not goin to msg her, it's awkward'. I felt so hurt by this. I have been there for her so much with her difficult pregnancy, problems with her partner and was an ear when she felt no one cared about her pregnancy. I feel so different towards her now and I don't even want to talk about my next cycle in our group chat.
I understand it may be awkward because she has a son now as her treatment worked but I feel like that's a cop out reason to not msg me. We've been friends 20 years after all.

I didn't hear from her for about 2 months after my failed cycle and then she msged out the blue asking if I'll babysit which I declined, said I was busy, I think she was surprised at this as I would babysit them alot for her as her and her partner split.

After that, I was fuming and haven't heard from her apart from the odd Convo in our group WhatsApp chat with other friends.

I'm now having my second round of ivf and our friend has told me she has asked about me. I've told friend not to tell her anything. I know this maybe a 'nice' thing to ask after me but why the hell doesn't she message me? She finds it awkward asking me how I am but she isn't awkward in asking me to babysit....
Weekend just gone she asked us all in our group chat if anyone wanted to do anything, I said yes, shall we go for food? and she said she'd msg me to plan, hour later her response was 'I'm so silly, I just realised I've got loads on so can't do anything today, must see you soon though'. I'm half expecting to find out she went out with our other friends but lied to me so she can avoid me.
Am I being OTT and hormonal ... I was gutted last time but I'm furious this time, I literally don't want to speak to her ever again. I would've put it down to she was busy with life and didn't know how to deal with the situation but to not feel awkward asking for a favour after no contact for 2 months..?!! ..... I feel like I've been mugged off and I resent being there for her.... Deep rage.... Am I being OTT and unreasonable? I want to have it out with her but it'll make it awkward for my other friends (other friend asked me to not repeat what she told me) plus I'm trying to concentrate on my second cycle and just forget this but I can't, it's really bothering me

OP posts:

Siriismyonlyfriend · 13/03/2019 07:28

She sounds completely selfish and self absorbed.
And the fact she’s got the cheek to ask you to babysit says it all.
I’d just continue to phase her out and try not to let it bother you.
One of my mottos that’s changed my life is that you can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can control how you respond to it . Don’t let this overshadow things

FullOfJellyBeans · 13/03/2019 07:32

I think she's selfish. I wouldn't bother with her in the future. She should be able to get over her feelings of awkwardness for you.

Boysey45 · 13/03/2019 07:32

Just because you have supported someone doesn't mean they will support you.It took me years to find that out.
Just cut her off OP shes a waste of your time,even a moment thinking about her is a moment wasted. You will meet new friends anyway, everyone does.

crisscrosscranky · 13/03/2019 08:09

Playing devils advocate- is all you talk to her about your fertility treatment? I had trouble conceiving DD2 and would be a shoulder/ear for any friend but I would find it being our only point of conversation a bit much.

EenyMeenyMo · 13/03/2019 08:15

I think she is thoughtless in not contacting you to offer support - but I can see that she may think that she is the last person you want to speak to at the moment eg a person who's had successful IVF has children - and she may feel honestly that staying in the shadows is the best place to be - maybe asking you to babysit was an olive branch - the fact you refused may be seen as evidence that you don't want to deal with her child etc at the moment

She may also be uncomfortable knowing how into her having children/baby showers etc you were - eg how child focussed you were and just feel its all to close to the bone

Equally she may just be a selfish needy cow who can't give support , only take it.

Why not speak to her and ask her why she hasn't been around?

SamStephens · 13/03/2019 08:24

She’s not a friend. People like this are leeches, suck all the good nature out of their friends and return nothing of value. Trust me, she isn’t thinking about you nearly as much as you’re thinking about her, cut your losses and walk away and keep your decent friends about you. It’s not worth the stress of having it out with her and she’s not likely to see how shit she’s been anyways.

Good luck with your cycle xx

Original poster

ViolaD77 · 13/03/2019 08:58

@crisscrosscranky no, not at all. It was usually her messaging me about her partner being a dick or her dating app she's on. I only msged 3 times about my progress, after that, I got the hint.

It was her birthday shortly after I got my negative and I tried to meet up with her to give her a present but it was 'you shouldnt have got me anything' and usual excuse to not meet up 'I've got a long day tomorrow' so I thought f*k it and didn't bother and kept the present and since then I've not bothered. In the group chat she thanked my other friend who sent hers in the post and I did have a dig, I said 'I kept your present as you were too busy to meet up' and she didn't respond to it at all.

I've not done anything to her so she has no reason to be off with me as this avoidance made me think she had the hump with me. However in the group chat she's all laughing joking with everyone including me. I really think pp is right about her maturity with the situ and You're all right about her being a fair weather friend.. She's there for the good, not the bad.... After 20 years of friendship. It pisses me off as we help her so much.

OP posts:

Nairobe · 13/03/2019 10:28

Selfish woman, it appears she can't help but need to make everything all about her still. Yanbu at all, she is a poor friend and a complete user.

It is stressful times you find out who your friends are.

Good luck with your ivf

LordVoldetort · 13/03/2019 11:13

Have you thought about messaging her and asking about her behaviour? Ask her why she can’t directly contact you to find out how you are?
Saying that, I probably wouldn’t bother with her if she put so little effort into the friendship.
Next time she puts out a message asking if people want to meet up just stay quite till someone else has said they’ll meet up and then just throw in there that you are also free that day/time and see if she squirms her way out of that too

LordVoldetort · 13/03/2019 11:16

Good luck with your second round of IVF

NanooCov · 13/03/2019 11:26

I'm going against the grain here but I think you're overreacting.

So she wasn't as enthusiastic a supporter as you were to her during your treatment - perhaps she didn't want to build your hopes up only to see them dashed, having gone through something similar and knowing how that felt? Or she had a lot going on in her own life so was unable to be as committed a supporter as you were? To be honest I'm not sure I'd have enough energy for more than a couple of text messages periodically.

I suspect when your ivf cycle failed she felt incredibly awkward as her fertility treatment had been successful and she was worried that would upset you so (a bit of a cop out) chose to avoid the subject altogether.

I do think she was a cheeky fucker for asking you to babysit out of the blue after not speaking for so long but I don't think any of the behaviour you describe is any reason to get the rage, although can understand why you are disappointed.

Greenleafer19 · 13/03/2019 15:52

@nanoocov To be honest I'm not sure I'd have enough energy for more than a couple of text messages periodically.

Wow, glad I'm not friends with you nanoo lol

OP, please concentrate on yourself and OH and good luck with your IVF. A wise saying my mother always told me. Friends are pests. Worry about yourself and treat her as what she is, an acquaintance

Bojangles33 · 13/03/2019 16:36

How old is her child? Maybe she's just swamped with looking after the baby.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/03/2019 16:41

No YANBU she's a shitty, inconsiderate friend. Best of luck with your next round though, hope it works this time

DoJo · 13/03/2019 16:44

I'd have thought it would be less awkward to say 'sorry your IVF didn't work' than 'can you babysit for me' under those circumstances. I know people find it hard to know what to say, but if she managed to power through to ask for a favour, she could have acknowledged the OPs situation.

seven201 · 13/03/2019 19:34

She's selfish and using feeling awkward as an excuse. We all feel awkward talking about some things - worries we'll say the wrong thing. I've got a friend having IVF and I make an effort to check in with her, but not too much. It's just what you should do for a close friend! I'm going through fertility tests at the moment and some friends have said annoying things, but they mean well so I appreciate them trying.

I was tempted to say you should write her a long message explaining how hurt her lack of interest has made you feel. But.. you actually need to do whatever you think is going to make you 'ok'. You need to decide if you just want to let it go for the sake of your own mental wellbeing. You need to prioritise yourself at times like these.

NanooCov · 15/03/2019 16:58

@Greenleafer19 I was just commenting on my own personal circumstances. The OP didn't comment on how she supported her friend during her IVF but explained she had attended baby shows , organised a baby shower etc when her friend became pregnant. That's great that she was prepared to give her time like that. But personally with two kids (one with SN) there's no way I'd be able to be that invested in a friend's pregnancy, no matter how longed for. Yes I would be happy for them and enquire as to how they were feeling etc but beyond that I'm afraid I couldn't do much more. OP (if I'm understanding correctly) isn't yet pregnant so maybe when she is the friend will reciprocate and do the baby shower thing with her. Maybe not if she's got other things occupying her. You just never know what people have got going on in their lives.

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