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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Painfully lonely ☹️

66 replies

LailaByron · 12/03/2019 13:45

I’ve never posted on here before...I’ve never told anyone how I feel before either, so here goes.

I have a wonderful life, a gorgeous house, an amazing partner and 6 wonderful kids (2 are step children) I keep busy during the day, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc...I’m slightly obsessive with cleaning so it keeps me busy. I’m fortunate to not have to work so I spend a lot of time cooking nice meals and baking cakes etc for the family to enjoy. I’m happy whist I’m busy but the minute I stop it’s like a dark cloud appears over the top of me and I feel miserable. I spend most days from 9-3 on my own, rarely talk to anyone or see anyone till I pick the youngest 2 up from school. I can’t drive atm because of medication I’m taking and I feel stuck. I look at people that I went to school with on social media and they’re out all the time with friends and meeting up with X here and having coffee with Y there... I just feel painfully lonely, invisible and useless. I feel like the only reason I’d be missed would be cause the house wouldn’t be clean and the clothes wouldn’t be washed. I feel pointless. I had my eldest daughter when I was 17 so a lot of my friends kind of wrote me off...as I could no longer go out whenever I wanted 2. Sometimes I feel so pathetic I tell my mum/daughter/partner that a friend has been round for coffee...just so I don’t seem so pathetic.
Sorry if this seems a bit pointless and long winded. Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

beenhereages1 · 12/03/2019 16:00

I felt like you OP, in all honesty stuck in a rut! I also hadn't worked for a long and struggled to find work.

My turning point was volunteering! I've made some amazing friends. It gets me out of the house without being overwhelming. I still have bad days- I'm home today as I'm full of cold ( I volunteer with vulnerable people so couldn't go) and I've had a rubbish day because I couldn't get out.

Oh and as others have said ... get a dog. Our 2 year old dog saved my MH when we got her. She's the best thing that ever happened to our family

Orangecookie · 12/03/2019 16:03

I have a similar life! We could be friends!

Just to say you are not alone in your loneliness. I live in a lovely house, but sahm and see no one except my kids every day. Separating from exDP too and in a community far from home where his family loathe me. No car. Miles from nearest shop. Horrible!

One of the things that helps me is that I do go away frequently with kids to family and friends, stay over, visit, packed socializing. This makes the days inbetween better. I organize phone calls to people during the day sometimes too.

I also have lots of projects on the go, I’m creative, write and maths minded so I do quite a bit of ‘work’ even if it doesn’t pay very much.

I know you like a clean house but I wonder if your brain isn’t crying out for something more fulfilling too. Learn a skills, do a course. It can take a little while to find something that suits, but it you had your kids young you may have not developed your confidence in more than home stuff?

Orangecookie · 12/03/2019 16:04

Second the dog. They get you out no matter what!

lola006 · 12/03/2019 16:06

What’s the PTA like at your DC’s school? I’ve found my DD’s to be a great way to meet people - not even just the other members but running stalls at fetes and chatting to other parents. Then that builds to small talk on school runs, then coffees and whatnot.

Silversky70 · 12/03/2019 16:10

I'd love someone to have a cuppa and a natter with. It seems impossible to find. In my 20s I had many different groups of friends. I was always out, always someone ringing me. Now I've got dc, nothing!

HeritageCarrot · 12/03/2019 16:15

I second checking out the WI if there’s a branch within reach. A lot of branches have younger members and it’s a great way to try out lots of different activities, learn new things and meeting other women.

I think you have to really want a dog to opt for that solution. If you aren’t 100% up for it it could end up as another needy being that you have to feed, walk, look after. They are wonderful if you really want one though.

Does the local school need anyone to listen to kids who need support with their reading ? Or just an extra pair of ears to make sure the children get regular reading time?

You absolutely aren’t alone in how you feel. I went through my 20s and 30s feeling really lonely. It’s a really miserable feeling.

Davespecifico · 12/03/2019 16:25

What is your hearts’s desire? Is there something you’d absolutely love to spend some time doing?
If it was me: it would be wine tasting, walking, short trips abroad, learning a language.

Liverbird77 · 12/03/2019 16:29

I've just had a baby and am a sahm, for the moment at least! If you're in the Manchester area, I am happy to meet up with you for a coffee!

Penguinpandarabbit · 12/03/2019 16:32

You are definitely not pointless - you sound pretty amazing taking care of 6 kids and keeping your house perfect. I'm sure they would miss you if you weren't there.

I moved rurally last summer and that combined with an ASD child - very bright and lovely at home but a nightmare for school at times and they often give up and send him home means can't work in my old job which was well paid and interesting. What I have found helped is getting some work projects in self-employed from home - I use Upwork - the pay is poor compared to what I was on but I get to stay in my lovely thatched cottage with cat and its fascinating work. You could try one of the freelancing sites - first £1,000 is tax free even if employed, after that you need to register with HMRC but £10k or so pa should be tax free in total.

Also staying in touch with friends helps even though its mainly e-mail. Sport is good. Pets are good - we have 1 cat and 2 baby rabbits. Also love Netflix watching travel shows or films. Gardening can be nice too. Maybe see if there are any classes nearby you fancy. If you just want someone to message who messages back feel free to PM me.

TatianaLarina · 12/03/2019 16:37

What medication are you taking that you actually can’t drive? Benzodiazepines? Morphine/opiate based?

CabbageHippy · 12/03/2019 16:42

join a club, do some charity shop volunteering or just go out walking to a local park/woods etc at the same time each day as dog walkers meet whilst walking so why shouldn't you

cakecakecheese · 12/03/2019 16:46

I work from home and being alone all day can be lonely but I do a lot of gym classes which is a great way of socialising. There's some other really great suggestions on here. Look out for groups and classes at local community centres or church halls. Also it's hard but sometimes you do need to be brave. I was contacted on Facebook by someone I went to school with. We weren't close at school but from what I can gather she was feeling a bit lonely and reached out to some people she knew, we've been for a drink a couple of times. I also went for a drink with my next door neighbour who as she randomly suggested it.

Toodleoopuddle · 12/03/2019 16:48

Won't be for everyone and if you're really isolated then maybe it's not a good idea...but I got rid of my Facebook account and I've not felt lonely since. All this stuff people post makes you sad you're missing out. Not knowing about it is better for me and then I'm happy when I do something fun with somebody.

ChoccieEClaire · 12/03/2019 16:54

Have you considered some voluntary work? You could do it in school time and would have more control on hours you could do. Maybe at a charity shop or community cafe? Or something like volunteering for a befriending service, these are run by Age Concern or similar organisations and can be done over the phone.

nutcrackersweet · 12/03/2019 17:25

I was in your position but with only one dd. I hadn’t worked but only for 2 years.
I didn’t want to work but in the end i couldn’t tolerate the endless loneliness and ridiculous Netflix sessions I got a really really crap job (had a professional career in London before) at first I couldn’t get over myself and was sad I’d ended up like this but now I’ve stuck it out, boring my colleagues to tears about my dd is better than being in silence all day. Maybe think about just getting a crappy school hours job. I honestly think that I would have ended up rocking in a corner if I’d not got back into the swing of talking to people everyday etc.

MumW · 12/03/2019 18:25

I feel your pain and know exactly where you are coming from.
Are there any groups in your village? U3A/WI/Knit and Natter/Walking etc?

What are your interests?

I found enjoyment out of knitting/crochet and joined an online forum. Stumbled upon it completely by accident whilst researching something completely different.
I ended up starting my own group and it has been a real sanity saver.

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