Painfully lonely ☹️

[LailaByron]

I’ve never posted on here before...I’ve never told anyone how I feel before either, so here goes.

I have a wonderful life, a gorgeous house, an amazing partner and 6 wonderful kids (2 are step children) I keep busy during the day, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc...I’m slightly obsessive with cleaning so it keeps me busy. I’m fortunate to not have to work so I spend a lot of time cooking nice meals and baking cakes etc for the family to enjoy. I’m happy whist I’m busy but the minute I stop it’s like a dark cloud appears over the top of me and I feel miserable. I spend most days from 9-3 on my own, rarely talk to anyone or see anyone till I pick the youngest 2 up from school. I can’t drive atm because of medication I’m taking and I feel stuck. I look at people that I went to school with on social media and they’re out all the time with friends and meeting up with X here and having coffee with Y there... I just feel painfully lonely, invisible and useless. I feel like the only reason I’d be missed would be cause the house wouldn’t be clean and the clothes wouldn’t be washed. I feel pointless. I had my eldest daughter when I was 17 so a lot of my friends kind of wrote me off...as I could no longer go out whenever I wanted 2. Sometimes I feel so pathetic I tell my mum/daughter/partner that a friend has been round for coffee...just so I don’t seem so pathetic.
Sorry if this seems a bit pointless and long winded. Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

You're not 'feeling sorry for yourself' you're trying to look after your health. Something is wrong so youre trying to sort it out. I've very different circumatances to you but I've often felt very lonely. Dog, good suggestion. Everybody talks to you. If you have a dog! And you keep fit and get fresh air. If its such an isolated area, id be surprised if there arent certain clubs/meet ups as others may feel the same. You say you see your old friends doing things, suggest they come to you for dinner/coffee/wine
If its a no youve lost nothing. Think about who you are and what sorts of things you like. I agree with a pp, a bit of bravery is required but it can go a very long way!

I can’t drive atm because of medication I’m taking and I feel stuck

Is it possible that the way you're feeling is a side effect of the medication?

I'd suggest a chat to your GP. But yes, volunteering would be a great way to get out and about.

I think you need daily interaction during the day and a sense of achievement.
If I was you I would start volunteering. Do something where there will be other people, and you will be there every day e.g. every morning at a charity shop. I would use that experience to get a part-time job. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as it is with other people, and you are achieving something.
Being at home all day alone is I think bad for most people's mental health.

While you are clearly more fortunate than some, that does not negate your feelings, you are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. I have little to contribute other than support (I work full time and don't have 6 kids, so not sure what to say!) Volunteering and/or getting a dog are fab ideas. I got a dog (while working full time - he has doggie day care when I am in the office) and it has changed my life, you meet and speak to people every time you are out walking - I now know most of the neighbourhood! (Very dog-centric area). The world will not stop if the house is not spotless - take some time for yourself op

I’m going to apply for some more PT jobs and also see if I can volunteer in our local hospice.

That's an excellent idea.

Also, remember that people aren't necessarily 'out all the time with friends'; they just post the occasions when they're out. No one posts about spending their tenth day in a row sitting at home talking to the walls.

Borrow my doggy, suggested by a pp, is a great idea too – it'll get you out and into a routine; and the rules of being British dictate that, while it's weird to talk to a stranger out walking alone, it's practically mandatory to talk to a stranger out walking a dog

If you have a local church you could always ask if they want visitors. It doesn't involve 'preaching' in any way. Our church visitors just visit people who can't get out whether it's permanently or temporarily. One of our visitors sits with a woman's husband (who has dementia) whilst she has a few hours to herself once a week. Apparently she (the visitor) has a great time. She has permission to go through photos with the husband, puts on music that he loves or watches TV with him having a chat in between programmes. She's just a 'husband sitter!'.

I'm not a huge church goer but I help out with some kids groups - mainly because my DS used to go to them when he was little and I got asked one day. Some of my friends help out with refreshments at groups like mid week lunch groups or, again, parent and toddler groups (someone has to make the drinks).

And I used to help out at the local school with reading. My sister used to help out at lunch time doing admin work for her local school - unpaid but it then got her a dinner lady job.

If you don't necessarily need to be paid it's worth asking if local businesses need a little unpaid help a couple of hours a week. It may lead to a paid job but if it's the company you need it's worth a try.

I'd also suggest a dog, Billypup is 12 months old now and I know so many more people in our area since I've been walking her.

I am so sad reading your OP, LailaByron. I live hundreds of miles from all my school friends but don't do social media. I still feel out of it though. I could text three school friends now and maybe one would reply. I'm questioning everything and withdrawing very much.

I'm also home all day with secondary school aged kids and loads of pets. Today has been waiting for an appointment and having to go out twice soon with one unexpected appointment for Dd. Just a Taxi driver. Have to resign meals and now my drier has broken! Last month I needed a new washer.

I suggest a visit to your GP, PLAN something for yourself every day and if you live near me I'll meet you for a drink.

What medication is it that prevents you from driving? Could it be changed?

Realising that others have it harder doesn't help one when you're feeling low .

OP
I moved to my current small market town when I had two kids under five.
One day at the youngest nursery school I saw a mum dressed for the gym, she was not fit and toned and neither was I, I went right up to her and started talking, she was new to the town as well, we went to a gym together for a few years and socialised within the school hours. She is still my best friend now.
Moral. You have to be the one to make the first move

Volunteering at a local hospice, or hospital, or charity of your choice is a great idea and Borrow My Doggy is something I should have mentioned earlier. My SIL does it, as they dont want a dog in a second floor flat, and its brilliant for all concerned. Get out there OP and make a life for yourself that does not involve cleaning the house constantly. Will the family notice if you havent hoovered today.....? Probably not....

I was going to suggest volunteering too. It doesn't have to be a charity shop - a cafe, library, newsagent - lots of places would probably offer you some hours if it's on a voluntary basis. The local hospice is an excellent idea as they're often crying out for people to help with everything from reception to fundraising. Perhaps the local primary could do with some classroom help? If you could do that for a little while it will help build up your CV and lead to more paid employment opportunities if you wished to seek them later. Alternatively, do you have any elderly neighbours who are in need of some company occasionally?

Another vote for volunteering

Volunteering, maybe a running or walking club? I'd also think about speaking to the GP about the black cloud. Can you help out at your DC's school? And whether your medication can be adjusted or changed, if it's preventing you driving? Loneliness is awful. It still hits me now but was worse when I was unemployed, depressed and my partner worked away. I felt like I could just disappear and no-one would care. But they would, it was my brain going a bit wonky!

I felt like you for years. We moved to a rural area which was lovely, but there was literally nothing to do and i was so depressed. I got a part time job and then in a year moved to full time. It saved my sanity. Working got me out of the house and earning my own money.
Have you thought about doing an OU course? It would give you a new interest, and they have summer schools where you would meet other students, or talk to them online. You could retrain for another career?
Riding for the Disabled is a great charity to volunteer for. I haven't found volunteering to be the answer personally, but I know several people who volunteered for Riding for the D and loved it.

If you really don't need the money and you say having been out of work for 10 years is making you struggle to find employment- how about voluntary work, charity shop, local school, animal centre.

They should snap you up! and you may feel a little better as you know you are really making a difference!

Sounds like you are BADLY in need of some you-time! And not the "have a bath" kind, the real "investing in yourself as a real actual person" kind.

Time to care for yourself a bit in the way you've been caring for everyone else

I found work after 12 years of being at home, it’s only part time but it’s given me some perpose and gets me out of the house. I still get lonely, I don’t have many friends and I’m a single mum to 2 teens, I don’t do school runs anymore and my dc’s both have ASD so despite being older they still need me quite a lot. I go to the gym and I have a couple hobbies but neither are very sociable.

Another vote for volunteering - but also to add that volunteering doesn't necessarily have to be for a 'worthy' cause or charity. I'm involved with about six different projects which are all to do with local history. I've learnt so many different skills and areas of interest, I've broadened my knowledge to a ridiculous degree, I've got people who've offered to write references for me if I want them, and I've ended up doing things I never thought I would do, from setting up exhibitions to running local history tours for fairly large groups, editing academic articles... etc. The main thing though is that I've made incredible friends through it - people I would never have met otherwise. I know if I texted one of them now, they would reply within minutes.

You are allowed to be selfish - think about what you really want. You don't have to think about doing things for other people all the time. What interests do you have that you could explore?

Think small, there's so many little communities out there. One thing leads to another with friendships.

Someone mentioned guides, brownies, scouts etc. What activities do your children do, next time the inevitable message comes round asking for help, maybe volunteer ? Ask at school if they need any help ? That can lead to other ideas sometimes, as you become someone people think of to ask. Your school PTA? Get a dog if you have space ? Very good idea to find a part time job.

Good luck OP, maybe don't spend too much time on social media. I came off it a couple of years ago. So nice not to know what everyone's doing.

As others have said, volunteering is a great way to meet people.
Also, and please don't write them off until you've tried them, but have a look for your local WI. They will welcome you with open arms.
There are loads of 'new wave' WI groups all over the country now. Assuming you're in the UK that is.

I could have written your post a few years back. I got sick and became quite isolated, and after surgery fixed it I felt like I didn't really know how to put my life back together. I became obsessed with cleaning because I didn't really have anything else, and it became a way of killing a lot of time. At the same time, I kind of knew at some level that I was really wasting valuable life hours, weeks, months and years in doing something that no-one really cared that much about.

My advice is this: you need to set some time aside each week for YOU to do social things. Not baking, not cleaning but getting out of the house and meeting people. It might feel daunting at first, and the first few times you meet people, you can feel really oddly sensitive and exposed, like you don't have a skin on. I promise that once you start doing this, you will begin to develop a new network of friends. I now have whole groups of people to have coffee, lunch, whatever with.

Join groups that are interested in the same things as you. I did reading groups. You could do something craft-related, or artistic too!

Hi slightly having to read and run so apologies if I'm repeating others but I had a few years as a sahm and struggled to get back to part time work and the only place that were interested in employing me were pubs and restaurants but working in a pub was actually great for my confidence and self esteem, very social, fitted well around the kids (mainly evenings and lunchtimes) and after 18 months I had a brilliant reference (as well as being able to do some relevant voluntary work) and got the next part time job I applied for (the kind of job I'd been applying for as a sahm and never getting anywhere with)
The other thing I would recommend if you're feeling a bit low and have some time is to do the couch to 5k - so good for my mental health

Well done for a) admitting the problem to yourself and b) reaching out here. I have a few practical ideas, which may or may not appeal:

1. Get a bicycle. Useful for pootling about the village, extends your range of potential socialising, and gives a burst of feel-good fresh-air exercise.
2. Check out the WI - these days it's more hipster than hip replacement (a line I have shamelessly nicked from someone much wittier).
3. Get some face to face contact, even if you can't find anyone local, by videocalls. Perhaps you have farflung relatives.
4. Do you want to learn or improve a language? Try a language exchange - you help someone with their English and they help you with Mandarin or Spanish. (A good thing to talk about in most job interviews - initiative, lifelong learning, etc.). For example (but I can't vouch for) www.fluentin3months.com/skype-language-exchange/
5. Likewise speaking to someone every day. There are volunteer schemes to befriend housebound elderly people who fancy a chat, using a phone (maybe they only have a landline). It's supposed to be for their benefit, but I suspect you'd gain too.

HTH