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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a concern - too soon

38 replies

wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:21

Hi

I have a friend (call her Jenny), her husband died in December, young (51) and not totally expected but he had suffered ill health.

A very close friend (think brother like) to the couple has become very involved with Jenny and they've started a sexual relationship. Truth be told I think the guy (call him James) has always been attracted to Jenny. It does seem a bit concerning that they've started this less than three months after her DH passing away.

I am not not not judging Jenny, my concerns are that this is stopping her from grieving properly, she could get caught up in the excitement of the whole thing but not face the grieving process (1st birthday, 1st wedding anniversary etc). She has a daughter and a son who are as yet unaware. James has been divorced a long time, likes to "play the field" and apart from a brief marriage has never stayed in a relationship. James although close to the couple didn't visit much, it was more meeting out of the house but now he's always there. I am concerned that James is being predatory.

I'm not really sure what I'm thinking, but I'm worried my lovely friend having lost her husband is hiding from her grief and will end up even more upset.

Advice please? Do I broach this or just get ready to catch her if it all falls down. She does seem very happy and I'm sure her OH was difficult at times during his suffering. I truly wish her every happiness.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2019 15:28

Stay well out of it. Jenny's personal affairs are none of your business.

headinhands · 11/03/2019 15:29

God if only it was so easy to hide from grief!

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:30

@Aquamarine1029 did you read the post? I've said nicely should I just wait to catch her if she falls? No need to be quite so terse @Aquamarine1029. I posted for advice.....it's not something I've dealt with before.

OP posts:
Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:31

@headinhands i am sure she is still grieving.

OP posts:
CabbageHippy · 11/03/2019 15:31

I would ask her how she is doing & just have a chat about it without being judgmental/telling her what you think she should do

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 11/03/2019 15:32

Yeah, I think you’ve got to keep out of it. I have a friend who started a relationship with someone else less than a year after being widowed. That relationship didn’t end up working out, but I’m not sure that it made them any more or less unhappy. Just be there for your friend to talk to if she needs to.

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:32

@CabbageHippy I've no judgement of her at all, she's been given an awful hand in life and has truly suffered. I just don't want her to get hurt.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 11/03/2019 15:34

You don’t get to dictate how she grieves or what’s appropriate between two consenting adults. Let her live her life and be there when she needs your support.

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:34

Realistically @HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame what can I say? You're right, I just need to keep in touch and let her know I'm here for her.

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 11/03/2019 15:34

I get your concerns but ultimately, as you said, there is nothing you can do but support her and be there if it all goes wrong.

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:35

That's true @Houseonahill, she honestly seems happy in this relationship, which I'm so pleased for. Long may it last!

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 11/03/2019 15:36

Not your business at all. My uncle died suddenly years ago, left behind his wife and 5 kids, she was only in her mid-30s. It was surprising but she met someone (a friend of his) within a few months and they became an item. She definitely had some dodgy comments made but she said she never thought she would meet anyone after this, so she had to take the chance.

10 years on they are still together. She loved my uncle and still deals with his loss now, but our family are happy she found love again to help her through it.

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:39

@ErickBroch well that's good to hear! Fingers crossed this works out too.

OP posts:
NWQM · 11/03/2019 15:40

If she seems happy in the relationship let her know you are pleased for her. Let her know that if it's difficult to talk about her husband to James then you are always there to crack open a bottle of fizz and raise a glass to the hubby. The rest has to be up to her really to open up to you - otherwise you are just guessing.

HarrysOwl · 11/03/2019 15:40

Just be there for her, OP.

Grief isn't the same for everyone, there's no wrong or right. It does sound like you're judging her for not grieving how you think grieving should look/be done, but masking it as concern.

ErickBroch · 11/03/2019 15:40

wouldyoudiscuss i didn't want that to sound rude I hope it didn't. It was obviously shocking at first but the grief for all of them was so severe that it actually helped both my aunt and the kids.

If anything, it might help your friend through a very very difficult time right now. Good luck to her Flowers

Luckingfovely · 11/03/2019 15:41

Yup, you have to stay well out of it, they are both consenting adults and it's none of your business at all. Lovely of you to be concerned for your friend, but that's as much as you get to do.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 11/03/2019 15:41

I had a good friend who lost her husband in his early 30's. He'd been ill for sometime. She met someone six months after his death, they moved in together ( with her young child) married within another six months and she became pregnant very soon afterwards. There was a lot of gossip about the quickness, what were his real reasons etc etc. She explained to me that she'd never really needed to grieve after her dear husband died as she'd been grieving since the day of his diagnosis when they were both in their mid 20's. For her, his death was, in many ways, a relief. They had loved each other very much but his whole personality had changed beyond recognition during his illness. There are many reasons a person moves on in a way some people may find too quick

Happynow001 · 11/03/2019 15:42

This happened to a friend of mine. After her mother died her father got very involved in a very short space of time and she and her brother were extremely hurt by the situation and disrespect they thought their father had for their dead mother. However OP I think you need to stay clear and just be there for her if she needs you in the future.

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:45

@ErickBroch if it works out and she is happy then I am happy for her, honestly I'm just so worried she was going to end up in a worse position. But you've told me a success story which is great.

To other PPS saying people grieve differently, yes maybe you are right and I'm looking at this from the wrong angle.

No matter what the terse PPs think, this is born out of care and not malice.

OP posts:
CabbageHippy · 11/03/2019 15:45

@wouldyoudiscuss - I wasn't suggesting you were judgmental at all, that wasn't what I meant in my comment

Knitclubchatter · 11/03/2019 15:47

If he was ill, she’s probably grieved for a long while.
His death might actually be a relief.

Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:47

@troubleswillbeoutofsight I had a conversation round his illness with her and some of what you've said happened for her. Part of her OH 'died' a long time ago, if that makes sense? So maybe like you say she's already grieved.

OP posts:
Original poster
wouldyoudiscuss · 11/03/2019 15:48

@Knitclubchatter cross post! Yes I think you're right.

OP posts:
Knitclubchatter · 11/03/2019 16:00

My father recently passed away.
My mom is doing amazing.
What people didn’t know was that he was a severe alcoholic who refused to see a Dr. since the 70’s.
They would have been married 60 years.

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