Is this a concern - too soon

[wouldyoudiscuss]

Hi

I have a friend (call her Jenny), her husband died in December, young (51) and not totally expected but he had suffered ill health.

A very close friend (think brother like) to the couple has become very involved with Jenny and they've started a sexual relationship. Truth be told I think the guy (call him James) has always been attracted to Jenny. It does seem a bit concerning that they've started this less than three months after her DH passing away.

I am not not not judging Jenny, my concerns are that this is stopping her from grieving properly, she could get caught up in the excitement of the whole thing but not face the grieving process (1st birthday, 1st wedding anniversary etc). She has a daughter and a son who are as yet unaware. James has been divorced a long time, likes to "play the field" and apart from a brief marriage has never stayed in a relationship. James although close to the couple didn't visit much, it was more meeting out of the house but now he's always there. I am concerned that James is being predatory.

I'm not really sure what I'm thinking, but I'm worried my lovely friend having lost her husband is hiding from her grief and will end up even more upset.

Advice please? Do I broach this or just get ready to catch her if it all falls down. She does seem very happy and I'm sure her OH was difficult at times during his suffering. I truly wish her every happiness.

A lot of men who are "friends" with a woman are like a rat up a drainpipe as soon as that woman becomes single for whatever reason. Your friend will know this and its upto her what she does in her personal life. At the end of the day shes an adult.

Grief is such a complex beast and people cope and adapt in different ways. Just be supportive of her, check in and be there for her.

Would you feel a man shagging his wifes good friend a couple of months after she died was behaving sensibly or well ?

I suspect most women would not really like it, probably as many men would find the scenario described here distasteful.

I agree with what's been said about this being her choice and just be there to support if needed.
I don't think it makes any difference whether it turns into a long term relationship or not and I don't think you should be hoping it does. Maybe your friend just needs a fling and James is an easy option as she already knows him.

You honestly don't sound concerned. You sound judgemental and perhaps even jealous. How are your "friend's" sexual relationship choices any of your business?

many men would find the scenario described here distasteful

Lucky, then, that it's no one else's business and they can keep their 1920s opinions to themselves.

Lucky, then, that it's no one else's business and they can keep their 1920s opinions to themselves.

As I say, if you would feel the same about a widower shagging a very close friend of his 2 month deceased wife then fair play to you.

@HarrysOwl you come across so judgemental yourself! OP posted for advice, made it clear in OP she's not judging and you still say she is. If someone had a different view to you that is allowed, do you not realise that? I don't think PP had a 1920s attitude at all!

OP, catch her if she falls... it may fizzle out.. it may not, but you are clearly concerned for her, which is exactly what she needs.

It may be too soon, it may not. It is however up to your friend. Just be there for her and perhaps her children as they may find it hard to adjust.

Just to add I have a friend in a similar position atm. She is incredibly hurt by the extent of the "concern" from people who have nothing else to occupy their heads. A supportive ear to listen to how she is coping with her newly single life would be much more helpful.

@youknowmedontyou

Not true. The OP has openly asked for opinions, and I'm not the one putting expectations on the 'right' way to grieve.

What @troubleswillbeoutofsight said - I have been your friend, widowed with very young DC and in a new relationship 6 months later (with my now 2nd DH). I started grieving at his diagnosis not his death. Caring for a terminally ill loved one is horrendous and you can not begin to imagine what she's been through while her DH was ill. Some of my (now ex) friends expressed "concern" too and it was very hurtful to know that they judged me when they had NO IDEA of the daily pain I'd been in since my DH's diagnosis.

So basically, unless you've walked in her shoes even for a minute please don't be concerned. She will have a much greater wisdom on relationships than you.

OP, I think you're getting a really hard time from some posters. I didn't interpret your post as being judgemental of Jenny at all. My interpretation was that you don't trust James and you're worried he may be taking advantage of your friend while she's at her most vulnerable. This may or may not be correct, only time will tell, but if you reveal your suspicions to Jenny then she probably will feel judged, even if that isn't your intention and then if it does all go horribly wrong she may be too embarrassed to confide in you. So all you can do is be there for her and see how it goes. Hopefully either James's intentions are entirely honourable or your friend knows exactly what he's like and isn't hoping for any more than a casual, short term thing. But if not, I'm sure she'll appreciate your support when the time is right.