Losing everything. Can we ever recover?

[itsallgonetohell]

Name changed for this as very outing.

DH has always been a bit of a wheeler dealer, and has recently made some catastrophic financial decisions which now mean that we have no choice but to sell our house and move into rental with our DC. I think we'll still be in debt after that to be honest.

I am pressing pause on any anger and resentment until we are out of this dire situation. He has been ridiculously stupid, but he's a good man and had all the best intentions. But like I said, I will deal with the anger once I'm not so frantic and afraid.

Has anyone had experience of losing their home and getting back on the ladder at a later date? DH is in his late fifties, which complicated things in terms of work/mortgages.

I just feel so petrified about what's going to happen now. The estate agent is coming today to value the property for a quick sale.

I agree with the others about getting financial advice, OP. Is the house only is his name? Did he gamble using your name?

Thank you for all of your replies. I will absolutely contact step change.

The house is mortgaged, but interest only. So in four years we will need to repay the entire mortgage (about 350k). Another one of his genius ideas.
Yes, he is late 50's with a toddler. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and I am considerably younger than he is. We also have two teenage DC, so this will also impact them massively.

It's really reassuring to hear that there are some positive comeback stories.

I think how DH conducts himself from here on in will be the make or break. I asked him if he's cancelled gym membership yet...he hasn't. I'm starting to think he may be a bit of a fantasist....or perhaps just in denial. Either way, it's clearly me that is going to have to get us through this. How I'm going to do that without breaking I have no idea.

Thank you thedisorganisedmum, I keep telling myself we have our health and our children are healthy...so in truth our situation could be worse. I do honestly appreciate that.

I have to echo PP's question about whether you've had proper debt advice OP? And I would suggest you get full disclosure (including seeing all paperwork and getting credit files etc) before you do anything. Secondly, and most importantly, you need to be in control of what happens next, please don't trust DH to navigate through it if he's making 'catastrophic financial decisions'.

I'm a bit worried about how you've arrived at the decision to sell the house if you don't even know the extent of the mess he's got you into, am very much hoping it's not just on his say so? Intentionally or not he is failing to protect your interests so you must protect them yourself, you need to know everything and be fully involved in deciding what happens next. I'm so sorry, you must be reeling

Either way, it's clearly me that is going to have to get us through this. How I'm going to do that without breaking I have no idea.

That sound the best thing to do.

The way to do that is ask for help. Knowing your full situation, know the full debt, and then work the best way to get rid of it.

Don't let it be too overwhelming - many of us live with a massive mortgage for example but you just ignore it and get on with monthly repayments. Any debt is exactly the same. One month or one payslip at a time.

I haven't got any advice but I wanted to say how impressive your attitude is (I could not be calm!) and I really hope you get back firmly on your feet soon, OP.

Not much to add - I agree you need proper financial advice on the entire picture - but seeing what you’ve mentioned re gym membership etc, when you reach the stage of looking at all your incomings and outgoings, do take a look at the moneysaving expert website. It’s really helpful.

I wish you all the best.

I also say call step change!

Poor you OP. It does sound as if he may not have told you the full extent. Please do some checking of your own. Make sure that he hasn't put any other debts falsely against your name.
Sadly your story is a familiar one on here - and you need to view everything he says with suspicion and caution until you are clear that you have all the details of his debts in full.

I'm starting to think he may be a bit of a fantasist....or perhaps just in denial.

He has probably always been a fantasist, but you were in denial and/or he was able to pull the wool over your eyes until he couldn't do so anymore. What's annoying about such people is what they do to their families to indulge their own selfishness and to their creditors whom they fail to pay.

The least of your worries just now is owning a home. Honestly be sure to get a full scale picture of the entire debt and then get some sound advice.

Either way, it's clearly me that is going to have to get us through this.

Here is the major problem with this and why it will never work: this person, your spouse, has to recognise he has a huge problem, want to change, and be the one who is spear-heading those changes. NOT you.

This is the financial equivalent of those people who say, 'March him to the GP' for medical issues. You can't do that to an adult.

It's very important, given he still has his head buried in the sand, hence, hasn't cancelled the gym membership, for YOU to start protecting yourself financially as much as possible because he doesn't appear to be on board yet. You're doing all the legwork here, contacting agents, finding a new place to rent, etc.

Are you sure you have to pay off the mortgage in four years' time? Don't you need to pay it off when you sell the house?

your spouse, has to recognise he has a huge problem, want to change, and be the one who is spear-heading those changes. NOT you.

You are not wrong, but when they are at the stage of losing the house, the OP doesn't really have the luxury to wait for man-child to wake up and start the changes.

Oh OP, you have my sympathy; what a terrible shock. We went through something similar about 10 years ago, but fortunately we had good equity in a large property so could downsize. I had no idea our finances were out of control - we'd been married 20 years at that point, had built DH's business together and I was working part-time. I trusted my DH with the finances but always questioned whether we could afford the things he pushed for (cars, holiday home, holidays etc) and he always reassured me we could. Then out of the blue the bank contacted me directly regarding our mortgage arrears, which was news to me. Six months mortgage arrears on a large mortgage! I demanded full disclosure and then it all came out; he had £30K of credit card debt also (I thought I'd misheard initially and he'd said 13, which I thought was bad enough!).

This man I'd known for 23 years had shown no hint of anxiety while hiding such massive debt - he had completely buried his head in the sand and was in a very strange state of denial. When you said I asked him if he's cancelled gym membership yet...he hasn't. I'm starting to think he may be a bit of a fantasist....or perhaps just in denial it struck a chord with me as my DH acted similarly. I took control, put our house and our holiday home on the market - all the while DH saying we shouldn't accept a lower offer on the house and we really didn't need to sell the place in France!? Even when things settled down he was still saying we shouldn't have sold our holiday home - we had 43K plus of debt!

I remember that awful numb feeling when the reality of our situation struck home, so I can sympathise. Walking around the supermarket in a daze trying not to cry, trying to hold things together for the children's sake, hiding the truth from friends and family.

I've kept on top of the finances since, and we have regular catch up sessions when we go through everything together - I will never trust him with our finances again. You will get through this OP. Debt management advice from Step Change or Christians Against Poverty is your first priority. You will have to take control as your DH will try to minimise and downplay.

You cannot possibly make any decisions until you have had debt advice. That would be a phenomenally stupid thing to do.

Roughly how much are the debts and have you equity? Other assets?

Best of luck with it all, as many people have said, get advice from someone like stepchange, both myself and dp have had to use them and while not a position I ever wanted to be in, once I had spoken to them and arranged a plan I felt so much better, just having a plan with an end date helped me feel like it was manageable.

You are not wrong, but when they are at the stage of losing the house, the OP doesn't really have the luxury to wait for man-child to wake up and start the changes.

It's definitely a wise idea to get debt advice and get a picture of how much is involved, but until this guy decides to change he'll just repeat the cycle.

Yes you absolutely can recover, a lot depends on how your dh is going forward. He needs to stop all ‘wheeler dealing’ and now get himself a full time employed job. He needs to properly understand that he will never get ‘rich quick’ and will need to dig deep and work hard. It is absolutely possible to recover from this. But he needs to be realistic

If he made the decisions, is there any chance the debt is only his while half the house is yours? No! My father nearly took my sister's house when he went bankrupt. He had a very small % stake in it, but the receiver did look very carefully at it, she came within days of losing it. Only an oversight on dates saved the house!

Either way, it's clearly me that is going to have to get us through this. Take a deep breath. If he continues to disappoint you can reduce that "us" by 1 adult male. You don't have to continue to see him as you did, it is fine to admit you may have hitched your wagon to someone lacking in grown upness!

But please, even if you don't confirm it here, do get legal advice for youirself as well as the two of you together! You have a lot to process, but the whole of the mental and financial load should not be yours to bear! If he doesn't wake up to the realities soon enough you can cut him loose, save yourself and the kids! Nobody would think the worse of you!

I think I am saying don't be the one who copes to your own detriment!

It sounds really difficult. I'm sorry. Until I read you had an interest only mortgage and thought you might earn more than your husband I thought one answer tok eep the house and teh 3 children in their home and not disrupt the teenager's important exam periods etc you might even be able to divorce him and you keep the house as your share of the settlement with him paying the interest as maintenance for you.

Is there any equity in the house? It is just it is usually cheaper to be in an interest only mortgage house than renting surely?

This is when I remember I was lucky to earn 10x my husband - never rely on men for money. Always try to out earn them., Never go part time at work.

I don't get why the op's dh is getting in the neck. When there is nothing in her posts to imply he has purposely hidden facts from her.

I know if I was living in an home reliant on paying off the £350k mortgage in 3 years id make sure I knew what was going on what money was ring fenced towards paying for the house and what plan b was especially if I knew my dh was a wheeler dealer and less risk adverse than me.

OP, agree with others and get some professional debt advice, if your dh had been out of order ltb, otherwise take some joint responsibility for your financial affairs.

Thank you all again.

And thank you RedBerryTea it sounds as if we are experiencing very similar scenarios. Unfortunately we don't have large equity, will find out what we do have tomorrow, but DH is overestimating it by a good £75-100k, which just reinforces my belief that he is not seeing things as they really are. I've just found out he also hasn't cancelled the private health insurance....I mean, on what actual bloody planet is he on?

I will seek advice from Step Change and sort this mess out myself.

Oh and wait till he hears I'm cancelling his season ticket!!!!

OP what was the investment vehicle for paying off the mortgage?

sorry if you know all this but not sure...you mentioned about the interest only being his idea so I was confused what you knew and what you didn't.

Please contact a debt charity! You need serious advice. A season ticket? Private health insurance? A gym membership? I think I'd do a credit check on myself and him, too. Has he always been a fantasist? I'll reckon he has.

It’s shit. My DH isn’t a wheeler dealer. Our company had been trading over 25 years. In the space of 3 months our 3 biggest customers collapsed owing us a fortune.

We lost it all. Our business, and our home. My DH had to declare himself bankrupt. Our lowest point came when I found him sitting on our bed in tears because ‘he’d let us all down’. He hadn’t, it was just an awful set of circs. We ended up in a B & B with 4 of the kids. We had to give up custody of his son to his ex. You can’t justify keeping a child in a hotel when he has a bedroom at his mothers.

We started again. We got a rental. Three days after moving in the bailiffs arrived for non payment of council tax in the repossessed house. They levied on my wedding and engagement rings.

We started a small business from my in laws garage which DH ran whilst I got another job. It grew and grew and it’s thriving today.

Then, a few years ago my DH had a massive widow maker heart attack. He really is a miracle. 15 minutes CPR and 4 defibrillator shocks. He somehow pulled through.

OMG it changes your perspective on life. We nearly lost him. The rest is incidental.