WIBU to contact his ex to ask whether he abused her too?

[Smoothieberry]

My ex partner was emotionally abusive towards me throughout our relationship. I believe he acted the same way towards his ex, which is why she refused to mediate with him and she ended up having an affair which in hind sight, knowing now what I know I do not judge her for. We are sort of tied a bit as we both have children with this man. I hear the way he speaks about her, it's vile, and I see the way she's nervous around him, just as I was. WIBU to contact her (we have contact occasionally anyway because of the DCs) and confide in her? I feel like she is the only person in the world who truly understands what he's like, but I am slightly nervous of approaching her. We do get on...

Is this an awful idea? I only left him a few weeks ago and I'm still quite scared of his reaction to things so please be kind. I'm incredibly fragile (and sleep deprived!)

I would contact her to let her know you've split and to ask to keep the lined of communication open so that your kids still get to see each other. Depending on how she responds to that, you may find that the contact between you means you talk. However, I dont think you can offload your relationship issues on to her, she probably had worked really hard to put her own issues behind her.

@Whatsername7 oh I'm not planning on offloading. I was just going to ask if she'd noticed he had issues with his temper. But maybe I shouldn't. She's made comments in the past that have hinted towards this but never outright said. Maybe it is a bad idea.

Errm you need your sleep first of all.
Secondly, you may want to reach out to her for you to show you understand, however, there is a high possibility of her not wanting to visit that memory so it's tricky tbh.

I would open the lines of communication yes.
If I was her though, I’d be wary opening up to you if you have only recently split with him. It would also depend on how you have threaded her in the past.

*treated

@YogaWannabe we've always got on absolutely fine. No issues, always helped her out with her DD if she needed it. Go in for coffee if I'm picking her DD up. All very amicable.

I contacted my partners two ex partners and they were a huge support in helping me get out of the abusive relationship I am in with him. He was abusive to them too and went to court twice for his behaviour. They both understand and made me not feel crazy that it wasn't normal behaviour. If you have kids then it might be a good idea to have that's support from them, you'll probably help each other out.

Yes do! Your children are siblings and by supporting each other you will both be stronger in order to protect your children. My friend was in this exact position a couple of years ago, she reached out to the previous ex and the two have both got a lot of support and strength out of their shared experiences.

Be gentle about it though, and be prepared to accept that she may not want to have this contact.

I would then in that case, carefully.

I agree with Whatsername. You could set off all sorts of triggers about her own abusive past with this awful man. It takes a LOT to get over that kind of shit.

So, no. Do not dump on her with your own horrible experience. By all means let her know that you have split up with him, just like the previous poster said. Remember that the children will also have been exposed to this behaviour.

Do be gentle with yourself. You too will need time to recover from this and begin your own healing process. And in future, stay away from arseholes. Best of luck to you.

I think I might contact her and let her know that I would like to talk but make it very clear that if she does not want to then I absolutely understand and she can simply just say no. I will never mention it again.

That way she doesn't have to reflect too much if she doesn't want to and if she does want to talk then Neitger of us have missed out on an opportunity to help each other out?

Though I suppose she would be helping me out more than me helping her. I'm just do lost and feel like nobody will understand.

I would let her know it’s over as a factual inform and ensure you want to keep ties for the kids

I am 99% sure he did

But go slow as whilst your pain is immense right now it could backfire as she might not want to re open wounds
Give it time x

Even as a factual inform I think it could backfire as if he knew I contacted her he would probably go mad at me. Maybe this is a terrible idea...

I have been the person who has been contacted before.
Was in an emotional, and violent relationship. The girl he saw next was with her for about 6 months and sent me a message on Facebook (do not have it anymore!) to ask if she could meet me as what he had said did not add up.. I did meet her to see what she had to say and why she was reaching out. He denied ever being abusive, but the girl also had some abuse and wanted to know IMO what happened. After meeting me (no way did I tell her what to do, I just explained how he started with me) she ended up leaving him.
I did however have the police turn up at my house to say I shouldn't have contact with him or try to ruin his life though! I explained to the police what happened and they understood and said just stay away in future.
Just incase you wanted an insight to what the other side had happen!

I think maybe saying "I'd like to talk", could scare her off. If you think you've only really got one chance to get chatting, would it be better to sound a bit more casual than requesting a meeting? If the kids will still be in contact, perhaps you don't have to announce your intentions at all, just slowly and naturally bond with her, you have a similar background.

Gosh @Mummyto2munchkins - I'm amazed the police came round just because you had a conversation with someone! How frightening.

If you haven't already done so then I would let her know you'd like to stay in touch, at the very least for the children's sake as they are half siblings. If she's amenable to that maybe invite her children for a play date and her for a coffee. You may find now you're away from him she'll open up naturally, but definitely read her signals as she may not want to revisit the past and open up old wounds.

Well done for having the strength to leave this abusive relationship .

I haven't even spoken to her since I left. I've thought about it a lot but not been in touch. He's demonised her and hates her guts but I don't think she's a band person at all.

Your children are half siblings. I’m surprised you have nothing to do with each other?

You have only just broken up so she may be wary of talking to you in case you go back to him and then relay what she has said.

@Mmmmbrekkie I was never 'allowed' to before as he hates her. He really had a lot of control over what I did and didn't do...

Give it time

Do it in person? Ask her to meet you somewhere neutral for a coffee and make the focus of the talk about how to work together to keep the kids in a positive sibling relationship now that you are both separated from their common father?

And either the stuff about the abuse in your relationships will come up naturally or it won’t.
The likelihood is it will come up naturally once the trust is truly there, and the trust will build over time as you facilitate your kids’ relationships with each other.

Plus, in person - no written evidence for your ex to use against either of you.

I think the most I'd say would be "Just wanted you to know that XXX and I have split up. I think I understand now why you left him. Anyway, I'd like us to keep in touch so the children can stay close".

She can choose to ignore your hint or she can choose to say "Oh? What happened?" or similar. Leave it up to her and don't put any pressure on her to 'talk'. The things that happened to her in her relationship with him are (hopefully for her) dead and buried. She may not want to resurrect them.

I'm just do lost and feel like nobody will understand.

Trust me when I say that millions of women round the world DO understand. Even though each of our experiences of abuse are different, there is a commonality to them all the same. You may want to see a counselor to work through these experiences until you can put them to rest in your mind. Or see if there's a support group in your area.

You will get through this. I promise.