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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a flying fuck for anyone or anything anymore

123 replies

mrcharlie · 10/03/2019 17:38

First time I've posted on here.
Both me and my partner recently hit the BIG Five O. We have a son still in secondary school.
The past 20yrs has been a monumental slog, as I'm sure it is with everyone.
However, last year we finally turned the corner, mortgage paid, all debts paid...we now owe diddly squat. The feeling has hit us both like a tsunami, having gone from penny pinching for the past 20yrs whilst all those around (friends and family) lived a completely different life to ours we find ourselves switched off. We don't wish to hear their tales of woe, nor do we wish to visit others either...we are both perfectly happy and content to spend our weekends at home or out and about. But the animosity this has created with those around who in the past would turn up with a flash new car, or news of something extravagant we now find it so tedious and dull, we speak our minds and they leave.

Fact is neither of us care anymore, if we hurt others feelings, we've sat on the bench for so long, its now our turn to be selfish and do as we please.

Are we BU ? or are we justified. Others (siblings and friends) have had massive financial help over the years and its been really tough for us to be the dull poor ones, we now feel we've earnt the right to finally do as we please.

OP posts:
7Pip · 10/03/2019 20:08

Another thing I'll state is that one person in my family owns a farm. A lot of the men in the family seemed emasculated by this. Don't ask me why. I think it's a men taking their dicks out to see which is biggest thing. The Man I've been talking about married into the extended family and seems to have spent his life trying to earn the price of the land lol. I admire his tenacity!

BuildingBackUp · 10/03/2019 20:15

The past 20yrs has been a monumental slog

Christ. I hope I can’t say at 50 that the last 20 years have been a monumental slog...what a waste Confused

In short, you sound very unreasonable. You like to speak your mind and don’t care if you hurt others feelings...it’s not really surprising that you’re NC with family and have no friends in that case.

What on Earth are you saving hard for if you don’t like nice things or nice places and have no debt? Just saving so that you can work part time and spend even more of your time sitting around the house with your oh?

TheSultanofPingu · 10/03/2019 20:17

I agree with others. Twenty years of slog and penny pinching really isn't that long. It must be a great feeling to be mortgage/debt free. If your friends and family are trying to push you into buying things you don't want, just tell them you're not interested.

TattyOldbit · 10/03/2019 20:23

This has a whiff of "trawling", to me.

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2019 20:30

I had a colleague who scrimoed and saved to pay his mortgage off and had the inte tion to work part time. It's a bit of a waste tbh. He's lost the best/fittest years of his life and he and his wife didn't do a thing. What a life.

You've paid your debts and mortgage off yet you still don't want to spend. Fair enough not everyone wants a fancy car or whatever but there just be something you want to do/achieve/see or have. Otherwise, what is the point?

I think even if you aren't interested, you dont have to be mean or blunt or whatever to those who do want it Confused

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2019 20:31

This has a whiff of "trawling", to me. oh yeh maybe!

7Pip · 10/03/2019 20:45

What is 'trawling'?

7Pip · 10/03/2019 20:47

But no, as I said, we have these relatives, who have scrimped and saved all their lives. Lol. What's the point? Maybe they want to leave it to their children or something, but they were like this before they ever had children!

7Pip · 10/03/2019 20:51

Op, what are you going to do with your disposable income?

7Pip · 10/03/2019 20:53

I'd personally like to amass a fortune. Scrimping and saving would not be my thing though.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/03/2019 20:54

Ok so absolutely none of what is in your laws post has anything to do with you paying off your mortgage! Confused I’m still not seeing the connection.

  1. family- you have NC with them for reasons entirely unrelated to your financial situation.
  2. “friend” who has changed so much you can’t stand her and she is a cow. So she’s not a friend anyway. Nothing to do with your mortgage.
  3. nice friend is still nice but you’re not really interested. Still nothing to do with your finances.

It sounds like you’ve outgrown your friends (unsurprising really- you’ve know them 50 years!) but never bothered to develop any other social circles and now you’ve found yourself friendless and fucked off with the world which is really no-one else’s fault. But it sounds like being friendless is what you want anyway.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/03/2019 20:55

For me it hasn't taken half a century of living on this planet to come to the conclusion that I don't have two fucks to give about what other people own. It's never been other than a matter of supreme indifference to me. I care about what people are, not what they have.

When I look at person and materialism is all I see, they're not the sort of friends or companions I would choose to have around. I have a distant family connection who is all about material possessions, is celebrity-obsessed, and name-drops whenever the opportunity presents itself. Yet she calls me the snob because I'm bookish, slightly alternative, and don't subsist on a diet of reality TV. I've never responded in kind because I genuinely don't give a rat's behind what she thinks. No point even conversing on this level so I've disengaged.

If you don't want to be around these people then don't. It's that simple. And if they're shallow enough even to concern themselves with what jeans label you're wearing, why would you care what they think anyway? No point building up a litany of resentment about it. Life's too short for that kind of crap.

ssd · 10/03/2019 20:57

Op, why do you think your years of spending are over, you still have a kid at high school where does he come in all this?

Fazackerley · 11/03/2019 05:47

People that say they don't give a fig what anyone thinks of them are often some of the most judgmental people on the planet.

landregistry · 11/03/2019 06:23

I still love spending time with friends and my own family unit, and I have lots of lovely work colleagues who I've formed bonds with. But I have absolutely no desire to make new friends, meet new people... be involved with drama. I just love locking my door at the end of the week and lavishing my time on those who I couldn't live without

@tiredandcold I thought it was just me - I feel exactly like this and felt bad for it. I have just turned 50. Maybe it’s a normal part of life.

The only difference is I have just been through a horrible divorce, so am alone with my dc. When you add the depression connected to that to the weird new feeling of somehow not being interested in new people any more, I feel weirdly out of life and as if there is something wrong with me.

But I totally identify with your post.

Shoxfordian · 11/03/2019 06:34

Is anyone really trying to make you buy things? You sound quite smug really.

Fairylea · 11/03/2019 06:39

I find it very odd that you seem to worry what others think of your desire to work part time. I think underlying all this is that you care too much what others think, rather than not caring at all actually.

I am 38 and will be mortgage free this year. I’ve worked in some very high earning jobs and hated every moment of it and stopped working when I was 32 - I am never going to work again. I have no desire to work whatsoever, I do have health issues but even without them I just wouldn’t. I am happiest at home, doing whatever I want. My dh is currently working but due to a change in our financial situation he soon won’t need to. He is 32. We will have an income for the rest of our lives. We won’t be rich as in mega rich, lots of people will think we are absolutely insane but we will be happy. Who cares what other people think?! You only get one life!

When we die our two children will have our mortgage free home to do with as they wish.

We aren’t worried about new cars, flash clothes or anything like that. If people like them that’s fine and we don’t judge them for it but for us life is about eating well, going to nice places, country walks and spending time together. Everyone is different!

Fazackerley · 11/03/2019 06:42

When we die our two children will have our mortgage free home to do with as they wish
Unless you've had to sell it to pay for your care.

topcat2014 · 11/03/2019 06:57

I am a little confused. No-one, outside my actual 4 walls, has ever had any say or influence in any big financial decisions for spending I have done.

Neither have I ever really commented on anyone else's spending.

I must be in a bubble, I suppose.

madcatladyforever · 11/03/2019 07:00

YANBU I'm still slogging at 57 after a divorce and the mortgage won't be paid of for another 9 years and quite honestly I'll be exactly the same when I get to your stage.

Fairylea · 11/03/2019 07:00

Why do you think they’d need to sell the house to pay for care? Savings, etc....?! It’s what people do all the time. I don’t know why mumsnet is always so quick to try and jump on people. Hmm

Do whatever you like op. People are always going to judge other people.

Fairylea · 11/03/2019 07:01

We’d, not they’d.

Fairylea · 11/03/2019 07:02

Oh they’d. Ha! Sorry my brain is fried this morning. Blush

UnspiritualHome · 11/03/2019 07:20

So what is it you say to your friends that makes them leave, and why couldn't you say it before?

Silvercatowner · 11/03/2019 07:20

the car we arrived in was called a "piece of shit" next my jeans (sainsburys) were mocked loudly.

Seriously?? (How did they know your jeans were from Sainsburys?)