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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother makes everything into a competition

37 replies

thaegumathteth · 10/03/2019 12:12

My mum drives me mad. If I say I’m finding ANYTHING difficult she’s always had it worse.

In some ways she is very supportive and we are close but in other ways she really kicks me when I’m down. If I say anything about, for example, being tired, she will list how she had it harder when her kids were younger . She forgets that she lived within walking distance of her entire family - I have no family nearby. I think this makes a big difference even just in terms of a feeling of security.

In the last year I’ve been suddenly hospitalised twice. Dh works away a lot. This has shaken my confidence because I worry what I’d do if I ended up unwell again. She just drones on about how easy I have it etc etc.

I don’t really know why I’m posting other than to vent my frustration because it MASSIVELY pisses me off!

She also blames me for ANYTHING that goes ‘wrong’ particularly with my eldest. Eg he is TWELVE and recently trapped his finger in a car door. She went mad at me that I didn’t watch him properly and was negligent - he is twelves years old??!!

OP posts:

Nothinglefttochoose · 10/03/2019 13:19

She’s a one upper unfortunately OP and unlikely to change. Just call her out on it a few times and may she might get the message

FullOfJellyBeans · 10/03/2019 13:34

YADNBU she sounds bloody annoying. I'd probably be tempted to all her out on it.

Bookworm4 · 10/03/2019 13:37

I think a swift 'shut the fuck up' might work.
She's what I call 'two shits',
if you said you had a shit she would've had two shits.

Original poster

thaegumathteth · 10/03/2019 13:47

I’ve called her out on it loads of times it just makes her argue more. I tend to hang up now when she starts because it’s just so incredibly annoying. It’s hurtful too though because she knows i struggle with confidence and always have and then I feel like she’s belittling me.

OP posts:

fruitofthenight · 10/03/2019 14:58

I'm just wondering if we share the same mum! Mine is exactly the same, everythings a competition and everything was always so much tougher for her. I'm low contact with her and when she starts to make things into a competition or comparrison I just change the conversation on to something else or ignore what she's said.

Treaclesweet · 10/03/2019 15:00

Mine is the same. I very rarely speak to her on the phone and live 300 blessed miles away from her. Whatsapp is golden, much harder to be a passive aggressive bitch over text, although she still manages!

slipperywhensparticus · 10/03/2019 15:01

Mine is the same csnt understand WHY I struggle with childcare she never did! Umm maybe because your mom and mil used to babysit us and no she wont look after her grandchildren either

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 10/03/2019 15:01

See her less than you do now.
Spending time with her is draining you. Limit calls to what is acceptable to you - not to her.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/03/2019 15:02

Stop calling her.

She will soon get a fright, especially if when she calls and asks you why you haven't been in touch you just say quite blandly 'Oh yes that's because things have been quite hard lately, we've had a few difficult things happening and I just didn't feel like having to deal with you jumping up and down shouting about how had it worse back in 1985 or whatever. I've been contacting friends instead as I really needed some support.'

Then when she starts shouting and complaining about you being oversensitive etc she never does that... you don't say a word. You just let her go on, wait until the first pause and then...

click

phone down.

Let her know you are prepared to stop talking to her and look elsewhere for support and kindness and, well, people you want to be in contact with.

wecandothistheeasyway123 · 10/03/2019 15:11

Oh god, that sounds like my mum. I've given up on ever trying to share with her about anything that's upsetting me, because the conversation always goes the same way:

I'm imagining it.
And if I'm not imagining it, then hers is (or used to be) worse.
And it's the same for all women (even if it isn't) so why do I think I'm special?
And anyway, it's my own fault so I can't complain.

Hers always has to be worse, so she's always banging on about how much worse it was for her being a married SAHM (by choice) until her kids left home than it is for me being a working single parent.

I wouldn't mind if she told that attitude to her own problems, but I spent most of my teens and twenties listening to her moan about her married boyfriends not leaving their wives, so she's a hypocrite too.

wecandothistheeasyway123 · 10/03/2019 15:12

"Took that attitude" , I mean.

wecandothistheeasyway123 · 10/03/2019 15:20

To be fair, my mother is like that about everybody's problems, not just mine. I remember telling her about a friend of mine who lost a parent at the age of 8 or 9, and her reaction was to minimise what he went through because children of that age are too young to be really upset by losing a parent, and losing a parent in your twenties like she did is MUCH worse.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/03/2019 15:22

Wow wecan - your mother sounds a bloody horrible woman.

wecandothistheeasyway123 · 10/03/2019 15:39

Fizzy - it's been hard for me to get a perspective on her because I was raised (by her) to believe that she was a saint and the nicest woman in the world. It's only in the last few years that I've started sharing some of this with other people and realised from their reactions that maybe she's not very nice after all.

Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to hijack your thread! That's awful about the car door - on what planet was that your fault?!

Happydove · 10/03/2019 15:41

Yep my mum is the same. I can’t be tired or ill she is always tireder or more unwell and she actually never askes how I am. I am currently avoiding her for this very reason. After night duty when I hadn’t been able to sleep before or after my shift due to no childcare she stated she was still more tired as she is older. Wtf she honestly had no idea I could barely focus by bath time that day. I think they get self centred as they get older.

Matilda15 · 10/03/2019 15:56

My Mums the same. I have tried calling her out on it but she loses her temper if I do and it makes it worse, I’ve slowly been cutting down time spent and conversations with her which is making me happier.

Interestingly mine is the opposite of the poster above in that everyone else’s problems are always far more important. She is everybody else’s shoulder to cry on and leaning post with no time for me, she always huffs and puffs about looking after DS (8) on her day off during the holidays and then the other week said she was exhausted because she’d looked after someone she used to work withs 2 year old all day 🙄

Original poster

thaegumathteth · 10/03/2019 16:09

Thanks everyone. I don’t see her that often really - maybe 4 times a year? We don’t live close.

The thing is that she is sometimes quite good at listening when I’m very anxious about something so it’s hard to be really harsh iyswim?

Her favouritism towards my eldest is another ongoing issue tbh: another thing I find hard to deal with.

It’s so hard - she’s not a horrible person and we do get on sometimes....

She exaggerated everything too. Apparently dh is ‘always here’. He isn’t - he’s frequently on the other side of the world. Also she didn’t have time to have anxiety like I do because she was too busy etc etc etc. Fwiw I’ve had anxiety since I was 9!

OP posts:

MutantDisco · 10/03/2019 16:38

My DM is like this. No advice, it's annoying.

SecretMillionaire · 10/03/2019 17:28

My mother was like this no matter what the issue she had always worked harder, been more ill had it the toughest etc.

My children are only a few months younger than my younger siblings and she claimed I had them both because I was jealous of the them being born. As they got older she continuously compared them to each other and my children never got any credit for anything they did well.

Guineapiglet345 · 10/03/2019 17:31

Ugh my mum is like this, if I ring her she’ll talk incessantly for 30 minutes about herself without stopping to draw breath then she’ll say right, we’ll thats all then, bye and put the phone down. I decided not to ring her and see how long it took her to call me, it was 9 weeks!

Bookworm4 · 10/03/2019 17:46

OP
I'd be very cautious regards the favouritism towards one child, I have a mother who I now have no contact with (huge story) and that was the final straw with her; attempting to separate my girls with favouritism and bullying.

Mascarponeandwine · 10/03/2019 18:03

Yep my mum has this too. She had depression when I was a toddler and my dad was out of work and they nearly lost the house. Which of course was a bad time. But I do judge her a bit for not seeking help to deal with it and moving on. It was always the trump card to win the race to the bottom. When I has a pregnancy scare at 17 she sent me to coventry for a week, then blamed me for “doing this to her” as she’d “supported me through my fathers unemployment”. When I was four . When i was in a tiredness fug with non sleeping baby and a toddler I was selfish for not going out for the day with her as she was much more tired as older and anyway I used to stay up til 3am clubbing so what was the problem.

In a dark way it reminded me of uncle in only fools and horses “During the war...”

ALongHardWinter · 10/03/2019 18:16

I sympathise with you OP. My (now thankfully) exMIL was like this. Whatever,I'd had,she'd always had it worse. If I had a headache,she had a migraine,if I had a cold,she had the 'flu. I once remarked to my (now ex) husband,that if I said that I was pregnant,she'd turn rond and say she was pregnant with triplets. At the age of 60.

thistimeofyear · 10/03/2019 18:26

I empathise with everyone on here. It’s coming up to Mother’s Day and I hate it. I feel so lonely I have never had a mum who helped me, listened or sympathised really. I hate calling her and only do it out of duty not love. If I don’t call each week she will say things to make me feel very guilty. Your low self esteem is because of your mother OP. I have no self esteem but I work very hard to get it from therapy and alternative methods. It hurts a lot still and mine is well into her 80s so they don’t change I’m afraid. Sorry - you have to have good friends if you can

Bookworm4 · 10/03/2019 18:36

@thistimeofyear
I fully sympathise, I cut my mother off 14 years ago and it does irritate me that the majority seem to assume Mothers Day is a wonderful day; it never crosses their minds not everyone has a lovely mum. I'm fortunate to have my own lovely kids who I have a great relationship with.

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