To think my mother makes everything into a competition

[thaegumathteth]

My mum drives me mad. If I say I’m finding ANYTHING difficult she’s always had it worse.

In some ways she is very supportive and we are close but in other ways she really kicks me when I’m down. If I say anything about, for example, being tired, she will list how she had it harder when her kids were younger . She forgets that she lived within walking distance of her entire family - I have no family nearby. I think this makes a big difference even just in terms of a feeling of security.

In the last year I’ve been suddenly hospitalised twice. Dh works away a lot. This has shaken my confidence because I worry what I’d do if I ended up unwell again. She just drones on about how easy I have it etc etc.

I don’t really know why I’m posting other than to vent my frustration because it MASSIVELY pisses me off!

She also blames me for ANYTHING that goes ‘wrong’ particularly with my eldest. Eg he is TWELVE and recently trapped his finger in a car door. She went mad at me that I didn’t watch him properly and was negligent - he is twelves years old??!!

I’m conflicted because she is lovely in some ways - I’d never cut all contact for example but yes I definitely think she’s long been a (unwitting?) contributory factor in my lack of confidence:

Re the favouritism she’s been told in no uncertain terms that she just wouldn’t see my kids if she consistently favoured one. She favours my eldest over all her grandchildren and it’s not like he was the first or anything , I don’t know why. She used to remark it was such a shame my daughter was not blonde and blue eyed like ds - I really went mad. She doesn’t do that any more thankfully.

God it’s hard - she isn’t a bad person but she definitely is in competition with me and then denies it. She also rewrites the past - if I say X happened when I was a child she will deny it if it doesn’t fit with her idealised version of my childhood.

Bookworm4 - I really sympathise. Someone I used to know was NC with her parents, who were horrible people (her father used to beat the living daylights out of her; her mother approved and encouraged the violence and was also emotionally abusive e.g. telling the kids they should have been aborted). My friend used to get very upset about the sentimental guff that people came out with when they learned that she didn't speak to her mother anymore: it was always "but she's your mother! She gave you life! She carried you in her body for nine months! She fed you from her body! How can you not love her?". I get that some people have no idea but, if they don't understand, they should have the decency to stay quiet.

“The thing is that she is sometimes quite good at listening when I’m very anxious about something”

She sounds like the mum equivalent of a foul-weather friend to me.

What happens if you ring her up with good news?

@wecandothistheeasyway123
Your friend sounds very like myself, I've had that reaction too, I'm the bad one but unfortunately just because we are related to someone doesn't mean we need them in our life. I made the choice to put my own health and well being first and the safety of my kids and I don't regret it for one minute.

@saucyjack tbf she would be happy for me —as long as it was something she approved of—

My mum is the same. Plus my sibling can fuck up their entire life whilst I'm struggling to keep my head above water and she rolls over to support him.

I'm NC currently. Dreading mothers day

Bookworm4 - I'm glad that you were able to put yourself first and that you've been able to break the cycle and build such strong relationships with your own kids!

@wecandothistheeasyway123
Abusive cycles need to be broken
@strongerthanIthought76
Don't dread Mothers Day, last year my partner(he had a shitty mother too) we went out for a nice meal and raised a glass to ourselves for surviving crappy childhoods and coming out the other side.

Thanks everyone

Families are complicated aren’t they?!

OMG - I've just remembered when my DD was in hospital a couple of years ago and my Mum asked me what we had done that week during our weekly phone call. I told her and she just went quiet on the phone and never mentioned it again during the phone call - what a cow! I assumed at the time she disapproved of me taking her to hospital - DM being an ex nurse FGS. The reason I had taken DD was because she had come home from school suffering really bad chest pains, vomited and so I took her to A&E as it was out of hours and I was worried she might be having a heart attack - the hospital admitted her.
I am the opposite of a hypnochondriac by the way normally I go nowhere near the Drs or anything. Unlike DM who is always ill.

Have you considered that you've struggled with confidence and anxiety all your life Because of your Mum? She doesn't sound supportive or maternal.