OH says I'm rude for not going

[rathertired]

Possibly outing but I'm past caring
OH mum and dad haven't seen the kids in four weeks because we haven't been over. We normally go every weekend but past few weekends we haven't he has been working and I have sickle cell anemia so I'm exhausted all the time I just like staying at home really when I'm this tired.

I said to OH why can't they just visit us he said his dad can't drive now because he's nearly gone blind and his mum doesn't do long distances. They have a holiday home 2-3 hours away they both took it in turns to drive there the other weekend. We live 30 minutes away on the motorway for about 20 minutes that's it.

OH said he's going over when he finishes work today about 5 I said I'm not going I just want to chill out. He says I'm rude because I haven't seen them for weeks. I don't see why it's down to us all the time surely if they can drive to there holiday home they can come here?

When we first had DD they were here all the time.

Aibu?

It's annoying when the expectation is that the ones with small kids, jobs and in your case an illness should make all the effort. I'd struggle with it.

Why can't he go over and collect them, and bring them back to yours?

This.

You're chronically ill. Of course it isn't rude to rest. Is he mad?

Do your PILs actually actively want to see YOU, or will they be happy seeing DC and DH? I would guess it's the latter.

Please report FIL to the DVLA. You would not want his death, injury or any to your MIL or others on your conscience.

Are trains an option or buses for either of you?

YANBU or rude. DH can take the DC to his parents while you get a rest. That way PIL see their DS and DC. It sounds like a case of ‘invisible’ illness being totally misunderstood. Both DD and I have a genetic condition which has fatigue as a main symptom. We look well so people find it almost impossible to understand we are in pain every day and tire far easier than usual. Just because you carry on doing what everyone else does doesn’t mean you don’t need as much rest as you can get your hands on. Being in pain is bloody exhausting,

Your DH needs to read up on sickle cell and work on trying to imagine what it might be like to be in real pain and feel ill and exhausted before he accuses you of rudeness when you need to rest rather than visit family,

Op forget this issue

Your absolute priority needs to be to get your FIL to STOP driving immediately.

Your FIL is almost blind and can’t see out of side vision.

How you your husband and MIL allows this to continue is incredibly reckless

OP do you even like them or want to spend time with them?

I spend most of my time in bed or flopped on the sofa. I’m chronically ill, suffer a lot with chronic pain and am disabled. You are not being selfish. You are preserving your energy to do things with your kids. The best thing you can do is wave him and the children off. Why marry and have kids with someone, who has a chronic condition then berate them for it?

Is your DH the same ethnicity as you? I only say that because sickle cell anaemia affects certain ethnicities and I wonder whether those from a different background, just don't realise how serious an illness it is.

I've lost friends through SCA and being a SC trait myself, I couldn't marry (or have kids) with a man who was also a SC trait. When I say couldn't, I could, but wasn't going to risk having a child who could be a carrier.

Of course its not rude of you.

I think your main problem is that your DH and probably your pil do not understand the nature and effects of your illness. I would tell them to educate themselves and explain that you and only you will be the judge of whether you are well enough on any given occasion to do particular activity - be it visiting or anything else.
I find people who have not had a debilitating illness that makes you extremely fatigued have basically no clue. They think it is a kind of tiredness you can deal with by having a cup of coffee and pulling yourself together. The all consuming fatigue of illnesses such as yours and others is very hard to understand if you have not experienced that level of total depletion of energy. They also cannot grasp the mental and emotional fatigue that comes with dealing with a chronic condition.

So they have to take your word for it and believe you. You shouldn't have to produce a sick note for your husband and his parents to accept your word for how you are feeling.

Meanwhile the lazy ones appear to be your inlaws who are quite capable of traveling to their caravan, but can;t be bothered to make the shorter journey to visit you. So they can't want to see you and your DH all that much. Leave it in their hands - if they want to see you, they know where you live.

YANBU. I had in laws who never came to see us. I always had to go there, or drive them to where they wanted to go at great inconvenience to myself and dd. We just moved two hours away and they all complained about never seeing us anymore because we're going to be so far away yet we lived ten minutes away and did any fucker come to see us for a tea? Nope.

And you normally see them every weekend ?

youre not rude no but can u please stop saying he doesnt drive when he clearly does still

hopefully they'll review it and take away his license i dont want to be on the road with someone who cant see

It's probably a good idea to show your face once in a while, but I could never be doing with this idea that everything has to be done as a family.

I'm off to see my parents three times in the next two months, and my husband is only coming once.

My parents (70s) find it hard to drive 3 hours over to see us (and then 3 hours back), but can manage 8 hours driving when they want to go on holiday. I have challenged them on it, and they say that it's because they know they can rest when they get on holiday before having to drive home again ... But at least they don't nag me to drive over and visit them either - the drive would be fine, but staying with them is not easy for our disabled son. Thank goodness for the internet