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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end/withdraw from this friendship?

73 replies

Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 07:54

I’ve NC for this as I post a lot and am very candid and this post is going to be very recognisable. This is going to be very long but I think the history is necessary so if you have the time I’d really appreciate any advice.

I have a friend of 12 years. She’s someone I’ve become close to over the years and she’s been a really good friend.

When I met her she was married. We got to know her husband and became friends with him too and we (her, her DH, me, my DH) used to socialise a lot together.

We also were all part of a bigger friendship group who met through a hobby - we were largely a fairly young group, no kids, hard drinking, lots of going out etc.

After about 5 years she cheated on her husband. She told him immediately, they split up, she and the OM became serious and started a proper relationship. OM was part of the wider friendship group.

I told her that whilst I thought what she did was terrible and couldn’t condone it I was her friend, I was also her husband’s friend, I hoped she didn’t regret things and hoped they’d all be ok.

Fast forward 6 years. She married OM nearly a year ago, her EXH is with someone else, she and I have become really close, I was her MoH.

She messages me about 3 months after the wedding telling me her DH has moved out because he found intimate messages between her and a supposed mutual friend, we’ll call him WH (wankhead).

I told her she was an idiot, helped her through her crisis etc but again, never condoned the cheating but I admit to feeling really angry with her.

WH is a shit - he had a 3 month old baby when he cheated, he’s told my friend he was tricked into having the baby and he never liked his partner enough.

I told my friend that she’s daft for going near a bloke like this and that I think he’s awful and manipulative.

Life’s been largely calm for the last 6 months, she’s trying to repair her life, her DH moved out, she’s found a new place and we see each other reasonably frequently.

I found out yesterday she’s seeing WH - he’s told her he loves her and a whole load of other shit.

I feel really disappointed in her and I don’t want anything to do with her. I’m so upset she can’t see what a shit he is and that she’d be so stupid to do this.

AIBU to withdraw from this friendship? She’s distraught about how angry I am (obviously I told her) but I’m not sure I can get past it.

Any advice? I lead a very drama-free life and that’s how I like it - my marriage is settled, I have a safe process job as does my DH - I only say this to emphasise I’m not enjoying the drama - I’m really at a loss about how to go forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 10:50

I bet your friend goes away from your interactions feeling lighter - and you feel heavier.

Er... this is SO true

OP posts:

watchoutnow · 09/03/2019 10:51

I ended a friendship with ex friend who had no problem with sleeping with men who were either married or had partners. This goes totally against my moral compass. Beware, your friend will probably have no problem doing the same to you. My ex friend always flirted with my partners and actively tried to hit on them when I wasn't around! These types of people are usually very very insecure and often need to boost themselves and their fragile self esteems by competing with other women and "stealing" their partners. I wouldn't want a friend like that.

Chlo1674 · 09/03/2019 10:53

These people never change. They are too wrapped up in themselves to care about the hurt they cause others and when the shit hits the fan they make it all about them and how they are suffering. I know someone like this and they drove their partner to take an overdose and she still managed to make it about herself and how she suffered. Both kids fell over themselves trying to support her when she had been the one cheating. Classic narc and I can no longer tolerate being around her anymore

WhiteWine4TheLady · 09/03/2019 11:12

I’d have stayed friends after the first affair. Shit happens. People can do real shitty things to each other.

However, cheating on your affair partner-turned-husband with the husband of a friend who has just had a baby? That’s a whole other level of shitty. I just couldn’t be friends with someone who could behave like that, and I’m not a very judgemental person. But her behaviour is just low.

Butteredghost · 09/03/2019 11:17

I think you can dislike her actions without cutting her off.

Agree with this, if it were me I would keep the friendship but I wouldn't engage in the drama. I'd change the subject if it came up. I'd only cut off the friendship if it was all she would talk about.

As for how you can be friends with someone if you hate their partner? Easily! Unless your in a group that does that type of thing often, many people rarely if ever see their friends partners.

Ilove31415926535 · 09/03/2019 11:25

Have you ever told her to keep the stories about WH for her therapy sessions? Like just refusing to engage? If you did, how do you think she'd react?
If badly, I agree with pp who says she's using you as free therapy. She unloads all her shit on you, and then she's free to continue her behaviour. If you refused to let her 'unload' and she had to carry her own shit, how do you think that would go?
IMHO, backing away slowly is a good plan, and don't let her ramble on about WH in the meantime. You don't need it.
Enjoy your drama free life, and seek out others with similar outlooks. I can't stand drama, and keep those who try to bring it into my life, on the outskirts.
Congrats on the wee one, and you're beautiful. I saw you up thread say how attractive DH was, and how you aren't. Bollocks. You're lovely (no I don't know you, but everyone is beautiful!)

Original poster

Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 11:27

As for how you can be friends with someone if you hate their partner?

She would expect me to socialise with him. She’d expect to come over for dinner and go out all together.

OP posts:

Floralhousecoat · 09/03/2019 11:34

Sorry if I missed it, but has this new man of hers now left his partner for her?

Kisskiss · 09/03/2019 11:38

I have good friends who have done things I don’t agree with and vice versa.. ( some similar in scale to what you’re describing here) but the really good friends would be honest about how they feel about the situation and still able to support each other at the end of the day. Like a previous poster so, are you the morality police? Nobody is a saint..

However if you feel you cant trust her , ( I probably wouldn’t feel I could trust her if she essentially cheated with another friend’s partner) or if the friendship feels really one sided because you are essentially her emotional crutch, disaster rescue friend only then it’s up to you if you want to walk away and nobody would call you a terrible person for it.

screamifyouwant · 09/03/2019 11:38

It sounds to me she doesn't really know what she wants . She treats people badly , how well do you really know her ? she is not very honest with you to admit she wasn't sure about getting married I mean why get married then . It's drama and chaos and you can see more drama and heartbreak coming . I can see why you'd be angry and reluctant to be her friend. I'd be honest with her explain how you feel and say you can't see this relationship working out and you don't want to see her unhappy again. If she values the friendship she will respect your opinion.

Original poster

Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 11:41

@Floralhousecoat

When my friend’s STBXH found the messages he ended things and told WH’s partner. She I think broke up with WH pretty soon afterwards but I don’t know for sure.

OP posts:

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 09/03/2019 11:51

I think you've got your answer, Whydoesshedoitffs, haven't you.

Flowerydenimdress · 09/03/2019 11:57

I understand completely. It is a trust issue and it is difficult if you uphold certain qualities in people and they turn out to be different. You want to like them, but their behaviour just puts you off. It doesn't matter if it is none of your business. I would withdraw, still have coffee etc but try not to be a emotional crutch for her.

I have a friend who similarly courts drama. She can't help herself and it is exhausting, especially if you are someone who just wants a quiet life.

Jenniferyellowcat · 09/03/2019 12:06

I'd withdraw. Someone repeating the same behaviour and expecting you to get involved and pick up the pieces every time has no respect for you, and doesn't value you as a friend

This.

OrigamiZoo · 09/03/2019 12:12

How much of a friend is she to you, do you get enough back from her? If it is all one way, withdraw.

Her life sounds car crash, it is difficult when you own is calm and ordered and you can't relate to the drama.

woollyheart · 09/03/2019 12:16

@AFistfulofDolores1 makes some good points. I've seen this sort of thing in work environments when some colleagues who have been given responsibility for doing something always try to hand back the responsibility to you.

She has passed the burden onto you by confessing to you. You have helped and sympathised, and maybe she thought that you would approve of her no matter what she did.

You simply do not like her new partner, so just be honest about that. You can't force people to socialise with people they dislike. I suspect that she may back off from your friendship once she starts realising that it is not completely unconditional. Just be clear that she has to accept the consequences of the cruel way she treats her friends and partners.

MatildaTheCat · 09/03/2019 12:29

Friendships do change and whilst at one stage you were very close and enjoyed her company that has very clearly dwindled on your part and for extremely good reason. She is, in fact, not a particularly pleasant human being.

Sure, she may have deep seated issues but that’s her problem. Her actions have upset you, impacted on other friendships and caused you worry and stress. And meanwhile she’s happily shagging a man you loathe.

So don’t feel regret at letting the friendship slide. I wouldn’t bother with a showdown, just fade out. Your lives are different anyway. Her life will continue in the same vein no doubt.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/03/2019 12:31

I am sorry OP, its sad to lose a good friend. But the drama surrounding her sounds exhausting. Personally I would stay available now and again as she sounds like she needs support, but I would distance myself and not get sucked into her mess of a life!

Fiveredbricks · 09/03/2019 12:51

He saw his arse about messages with another bloke when he was the bloke she cheated on her ex with?

Original poster

Whydoesshedoitffs · 09/03/2019 12:56

@Fiveredbricks

Sorry - I don’t understand your post...

OP posts:

OrigamiZoo · 09/03/2019 14:13

The ex husband was annoyed she was cheating on him with WH but that was ok when she cheated on husband no.1 with him. Oh the irony.

AyoadesChinDimple · 09/03/2019 14:26

I'm friends with people I respect. Could I respect someone who had run off with another friend's husband? Nope.

Judgy? Goody two shoes? Most definitely.

Fine with that? Yes absolutely.

bullyingadvice2017 · 09/03/2019 14:33

I've stepped back from my friend. She went thru a messy split and was desperate for male attention. I honestly don't think she can be on her own. She is hopping from one wankstain to another and taking her kids thru it all. Makes me so mad, if she wants to make shit choices( with her eyes wide open to what is the deal) then you can't be expected to pick up the pieces.

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