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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help a very upset and stressed out AIBU

35 replies

Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:21

I’m feeling pretty desperate right now and really need someone to rationalise with me and talk me down before doing something stupid that I regret

My DH is a wonderful kind man and a great DF to our DC, we have been married 10 years and I honestly couldn’t imagine a life without him.

He’s has suffered some mental health problems in the last few years and it does mean his moods can vary but he has sought help and is quite good at talking through if he is feeling down or off. However it does mean occasionally things can feel a bit up and down for us which is fine but I guess it’s made m a little desensitised to something really being wrong.

I don’t know why but I have felt a bit insecure recently and there has been a few things that have been niggling away at me, but as usual these have come in waves followed by a week of back to normal so I haven’t really thought too much about it.

Things have escalated this week, don’t want to go into too much detail in case i give myself away but I ended up checking his phone.

Really not proud of this and the first time I have done it in a very long time, and I guess who I could do with some advice before I explode.

I knew you could add Encypted/secret messages on messenger but never really thought anything of it, I have never used it and tbh it was something teenagers might use rather than middle age men.

However I’m in absolute shock after finding lots of codes on my DH’s phone, which seem to be set in double figures (33 to be exact) and I’m really panicking that I have uncovered something awful and that it means my husband has been very busy!!

Can someone explain the encrypted messages to me please, do you only have codes if you entered into a secret message with someone? Is there away to find out who secret messages are with?

He never socialises, and we have a busy and full life, he does routinely have to stay at work overnight (think military security, night watch type thing) but I have never had reason to doubt that’s where he is (tanoids over the phone) dirty smelly uniform at the end and I genuinely wonder if he was up to know good where he would fit it in!!

I don’t want to go in all guns blazing and ready to throw our whole life away if there is a reasonable explanation and I really really do hope there is!

Would you be suspicious and would you confront or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:27

DH deals with some sensitive information in his line of work and also wondered/hoped from reading online that maybe he has used the encryption tool to send things to colleagues but I could just be grasping at straws!

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 08/03/2019 16:32

It doesn’t necessarily sound that suspicious on its own but then there’s obviously something in the background that made you check the phone in the first place. So you’ll have to look at the whole picture

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:40

@DanglyBangly I’m just wondering why he would need to secretly message lots of people and I’m not sure why anyone would have to to be so secret about talking to someone they would be willing to encrypt it!

OP posts:
Rixera · 08/03/2019 16:43

I could be mistaken but I think some people set it to autoencryption so anyone they message it will be encrypted

OffToBedhampton · 08/03/2019 16:44

You don't know if it's to do with his work or not.

I'd leave well alone.

If you have reason to think he might be cheating that's different but no, that wouldn't worry me.

ALargeGinPlease · 08/03/2019 16:45

I don't know anything about encrypted messages so can't help you there. However, the fact that you felt the need to check his phone, which you imply is out of character for you, leads me to wonder if there are subconscious signals you are picking up on. Always worth trusting your gut, but at this stage all you can be, is more vigilant.

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:46

Thanks Rixera.

Hmm his general messages didn’t look any different from normal and could see the them all, would I be able too if they were all encrypted?

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 08/03/2019 16:47

And I wouldn't let your imagination run away with you if you are happily married.

If someone wants to cheat they can find other ways (second phone left at work etc) so you ought just see how your marriage is and talk things through. I would never tell him you'd looked at his phone though as is be annoyed if you looked at mine even though I have nothing to hide. I'd find it intrusive and a bit controlling.

ALargeGinPlease · 08/03/2019 16:48

Although re-reading your op, you say its the first time for a long time (re checking his phone), so why did you used to check it before , has he had an affair before? Or were you just very insecure?

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:49

I desperately would love to believe it’s something silly like a work thing or perhaps even he doesn’t even really know what he’s doing (I thought he was a bit of a tech phobe) but it’s niggling away at me now and I don’t know whether to just be honest admit what I have done and ask him to explain, hopefully a reasonable explanation.

OP posts:
mama1980 · 08/03/2019 16:52

I occasionally have to use message encryption for work to several different people. When we are at a certain location it is a legal requirement. On its own I wouldn't think anything of it.
Is there a reason you felt the need to the messages check now?

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:54

@ALargeGinPlease

No he’s never had an affair (as far as I know) I was cheated on before I met him with my first proper boyfriend and it took me a long time to build my self esteem back up. I met DH and he was like a ray of sunshine when I needed it but he had a lot of female friends I guess I was looking for validation that he wasn’t like my EX which I think I have.

He is in a position where he could cheat quite easily as he has long periods of time away from home with work but he has always maintained it’s something he would never do, it just doesn’t interest him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 16:56

mama1980 The insecurity I had which led to me reading his messages wasn’t necessarily because I thought he was cheating on me but I did think he was withholding the truth about something.

OP posts:
Stargazer888 · 08/03/2019 16:58

With all due respect this is about you and not your dh. Have you seen a therapist about this?

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 17:01

@Stargazer888 I think I might be laughed at if I walked into a therapists office and said I have checked my husbands phone once in 10 years do I need help!?

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 08/03/2019 17:02

@Physicallyshaking sweetheart I saý this from a kind place. You need proffesional heĺp to deal with these feelings.
Can you contact your family ĺiasion officer for support? They are there to help you.
It is really important you do that sweetheart Flowers
I wish you all well

ideasofmarch · 08/03/2019 17:06

The first thing I thought of when you mentioned encryped messages was 'does he have anything to do with the military?' and then you mentioned that he does.

To be honest, I think that's the end of it. He probably has a couple of contacts whose phones are set to automatically encrypt both sent and received messages. and that's basically it.

And yes, if it is to do with work then he might be witholding information from you. It's called the Official Secrets Act.

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 17:16

Whoa guys...

Maybe my user name was a tad OTT im a fairly confident 30 something women who’s single handily (much of the time) raised 4 children and supported a husband who spends vast times of the year away without blinking an eyelid.

We have always had a strong and happy marriage but I have just felt something has been off the last month or so and had few feelings of vulnerability and a niggle.

I’m not proud of checking his phone, like I said even after years of months apart it’s the first time I have done it in the whole of our marriage but so did and can’t take it back.

I possibly shouldn’t have posted this in AIBU and so I apologise for that, I basically just wanted a bit of help understanding the Messenger encryption tool as I was a bit worried what that meant!

@MrsTommyBanks I have no idea what a family liaison officer is but as I haven’t just escaped out of the local psychiatric unit or cell not sure that service will be available to me!! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 17:19

@ideasofmarch thanks that actually has really put my mind at ease and was so hopeful it would be something like that.

He works in a warfare position so I’m used to the sneaky beaky stuff he can’t tell me.

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 08/03/2019 17:22

But you obviously arentbok with him withholding stuff.

Checking his phone, that he uses for work is really bad. Especially given his job.

And it seems reasonable there is encryption on it

ErrSoYeah · 08/03/2019 17:24

I genuinely wonder if he was up to know good where he would fit it in!!

He is in a position where he could cheat quite easily as he has long periods of time away from home with work

You need to be calm about this. If you genuinely have/had concerns, don't let the reassurances of strangers, who know neither of you, put your mind at rest. Likewise, don't build nothing up into something.

Tbh, I'm not really sure what the "whoa guys..." comment is about - these responses are very measured and tame for AIBU. However, for future reference, there is an absolute wealth of advice over on the Relationships board. Flowers

Home77 · 08/03/2019 17:29

It shows a lack of trust in him to be checking his phone- it's not normal behaviour. Not surprised people are mentioning this. Why did you not just speak to him rather than doing this.

Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 17:34

@ErrSoYeah

I guess I don’t like people insinuating or presuming that my feelings or worries are in my head because I’m emotionally invested, which obviously I am, because it’s my marriage.

I’m upset and feeling a bit irrational but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t valid or real.

@Frecklesonmyarm it’s not a work phone, I use it often (with obviously normal permission) as does my 4 your old to watch Peppa and download slime apps!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Physicallyshaking · 08/03/2019 17:35

@Home77 believe it or not what I found on his phone wasn’t what I was looking for, it was like a bonus prize! Grin

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 08/03/2019 17:36

It doesn't sound to me like he's cheating. He's using his phone for work purposes. Talk to him. Tell him you looked at his phone. Ask him what the encrypted messages are all about.