Please help a very upset and stressed out AIBU

[Physicallyshaking]

I’m feeling pretty desperate right now and really need someone to rationalise with me and talk me down before doing something stupid that I regret

My DH is a wonderful kind man and a great DF to our DC, we have been married 10 years and I honestly couldn’t imagine a life without him.

He’s has suffered some mental health problems in the last few years and it does mean his moods can vary but he has sought help and is quite good at talking through if he is feeling down or off. However it does mean occasionally things can feel a bit up and down for us which is fine but I guess it’s made m a little desensitised to something really being wrong.

I don’t know why but I have felt a bit insecure recently and there has been a few things that have been niggling away at me, but as usual these have come in waves followed by a week of back to normal so I haven’t really thought too much about it.

Things have escalated this week, don’t want to go into too much detail in case i give myself away but I ended up checking his phone.

Really not proud of this and the first time I have done it in a very long time, and I guess who I could do with some advice before I explode.

I knew you could add Encypted/secret messages on messenger but never really thought anything of it, I have never used it and tbh it was something teenagers might use rather than middle age men.

However I’m in absolute shock after finding lots of codes on my DH’s phone, which seem to be set in double figures (33 to be exact) and I’m really panicking that I have uncovered something awful and that it means my husband has been very busy!!

Can someone explain the encrypted messages to me please, do you only have codes if you entered into a secret message with someone? Is there away to find out who secret messages are with?

He never socialises, and we have a busy and full life, he does routinely have to stay at work overnight (think military security, night watch type thing) but I have never had reason to doubt that’s where he is (tanoids over the phone) dirty smelly uniform at the end and I genuinely wonder if he was up to know good where he would fit it in!!

I don’t want to go in all guns blazing and ready to throw our whole life away if there is a reasonable explanation and I really really do hope there is!

Would you be suspicious and would you confront or am I over reacting?

Frecklesonmyarmit’s not a work phone, I use it often (with obviously normal permission) as does my 4 your old to watch Peppa and download slime apps!!!

So clearly he trusts you to not got through it. Or isn't hiding anything on the phone.

Look at your title and your user name. This is a big reaction when he lets you use his phone, his daughter use his phone and has reason for encryption.

It comes down to this. Do you trust him?

He might be withholding something from you, but the encryption sounds perfectly normal if secret squirrels is part of his job.
All I can suggest is to talk to him about what is bothering you. Sneaking around and looking for evidence is unlikely to help. There is a huge part of his life that you can't be at all involved in or know anything about, and that's enough to throw anyone off balance every once in a while. Tell him if you feel you are struggling, or if there is maybe a way to make it easier for you. Talking will help, torturing yourself will not.

I really like the military reason it works well, he fairly knackered most of the time with 4 DC and his job, I don’t think he would have the energy for one OW never mind 33 but he does speak to a lot of work colleagues online!

He works in a warfare position so I’m used to the sneaky beaky stuff he can’t tell me.

So why would you worry about THESE encrypted messages, then?

You don't trust him. It doesn't matter that you have checked his phone only twice in 10 years. You don't trust him. You need therapy for your trust issues.

@Gina2012 I just didn’t think he would send sensitive stuff through messenger, it tends to be more general conversation.

I'm a bit confused OP. Where did you find these encryption codes? If I enter a "secret" message on Messenger there's no code, it's just viewable on my device as normal, just with a padlock symbol. Is it a separate encryption app?

So let’s imagine that your DH approached you, told you what you are considering telling him, he’s embarrassed about it and knows he was wrong but he checked your phone and found something he was insecure or worried about, you know it’s absolutely nothing and he’s completely barking up the wrong tree... how would you respond? Personally, I accept that we all make mistakes now and again such as checking his phone, if my DH was worried about anything to do with our marriage I would want him to talk to me, I would much much rather that than have any secrets. He may not be thrilled that you checked his phone but if you explain how you have been feeling and be totally honest, you might just get a very reasonable explanation and be able to go back to your happy marriage without letting this go too far. Who knows, it might even turn out to be a good thing if it means you talk through what’s been niggling at you recently. Honesty is the best policy and yes you’re not proud of checking his phone but it’s not the biggest crime in the world, it’s more important that you get things back on track. Good luck to you x

Messenger allows encryption so that conversations can't be intercepted between the devices.

My DH and I have used the 'secret' messages and the normal ones to message each other.

All it meant was that if you logged on elsewhere, the secret ones weren't available. It's end to end encryption. They stayed on our phones, but you can't see them from either of our logins on pc or ipad.

If you're looking at his phone, nothing is actually hidden. Just if you logged into his account on your own phone to see what he was sending or receiving, you wouldn't be able to see the encrypted messages existed.