Saving a marriage

[Beniejaney]

I havent been getting on with DH for a while. We have 3 young DC. He works long hours / away sometimes. I also work but do 99% of the school runs, all the cooking, all the washing, all the cleaning. He doesn't do anything around the house. He was never that good to begin with but since he changed his job 2 years ago its got ridiculous. I have told him how I feel I dont know how many times. He has said he'll change but doesnt keep it up. Then when I bring it up he brings up his long hours.
We've had sit down chats before, he wants to do that again but I don't feel like I have the energy to say the same things I have literally been saying for years. His perspective is I am constantly moody / nagging. No 1 else i know would describe me as moody but he is just wearing me down.
I want to resolve it but just dont know how. We have the odd date night but not recently. Its not easy getting childcare. Ots hard to do things as a family due to his hours but then when he had the opportunity he says hes tired.
Any suggestions on moving forward. I know this can be a common theme, but I just cant bare to carry on like this for the years to come. My mum was happy to he a housewife and it worked great for my parents relationship. DH has told me i could give up work as if that would solve it. I have my own career which i have already sacrificied for our family but I have no intention of giving it up.
What can i do other than tell him what I've already told him?

Not sure what you are saying here. That he doesnt pull his weight or that you are wanting out of the marriage. I dont think MN can sort this

Sorry I was rambling and didnt make myself clear. He doesn't pull his weight, I would like to resolve it but looking for advice on how to go about it.

You either need to accept what makes you unhappy and make the appropriate changes to feel personally fulfilled or you need to leave the relationship.

You can not change someone else, sorry

If he isn't pulling his weight, can you employ someone to help you out?

if you can afford it can you get a weekly/fortnightly cleaner?

Me and my DH both work full time and yet I would always be the one too do all the housework too. We would fight about it all the time! so I organised a cleaner (which DH hates as he sees it as a waste of money!) but she saves us a load of rows and its lovely to come back to a clean house once she has been.
Can you also schedule Sunday as a regular family day? Less chance of him being tired?

How are you financially? Can you outsource cleaning etc, pay a babysitter so you can go out?

He can pay for a cleaner

What are his working hours and commute ? Does he have the flexibity you have (to do school runs) ?

If you're both working the same hours then of course he should be broadly picking up 50% of the slack but if your eg PT 20 hours a week and he's out of the house 60, then 50% isnt viable.

Can you employ a nanny/au pair to do child care some cleaning and cooking? Is it that he is lazy and a slob and leaves stuff lying around or makes your life more difficult? or is it that he really doesn’t have the time and it’s not a priority for him to make sure the furniture is polished and the floor cleaned and all of the washing done before bed.
Can you stop doing anything that benifits him in any way (ironing shirts making different meals etc)
Can you get some time out, give him the kids on a Saturday morning every week to look after and go and do your own thing. Then make every Saturday afternoon family time where you all leave the house and don’t think about housework or are Young the kind of person who needs everything done or you can’t relax?
Was he like this previously (pre child and after child one or child 2).
Do you love him? (And I don’t by any means think because you do you should put up with shit or fix him if he is a cocklodger)

He has said he'll change but doesnt keep it up

He's not going to change. Ever.

So your options are: end the marriage, pay for a cleaner/babysitters/au pair or carry on in this miserable 1950s housewife life for ever.

Sorry, but it's pointless thinking you can change him. This same situation gets posted on MN every single day.

Quite honestly this is what ended both my marriages but I bitterly regret ending the 2nd one over mostly trivia like housework.
We should have just got a cleaner and sorted it in other ways rather than rowing about it all the time.
Please don't end your marriage over this, you are both intelligent people, try and find a solution round this together and put a plan together.
If you are talking you can resolve this, you just need to be open and honest about your feelings and not resort to rows and accusations.

Also it's a killer having 2 young DC and working, you simply do not realise how utterly exhausting it is and it's so easy for everything to get on top of you.

My sis has this - she had to accept and acknowledge that she wanted the house cleaner and tidier than her dh and the kids - her solution was to get a cleaner.

Have you tried specifying what it is you want him to do to help with the load?

Deffo. get a cleaner, you need one.

I have to ask I see this problem so often, and think how was he after first child, second child, why have a large family if you are not both on board with sharing parenting duties. And I know sometimes folk work ridiculously long hours which is why I ask this question.

If you can do school runs I presume you work part time

I think we need more information op.
Do you actually like him? (If it wasn't for the cleaning)
My dh hates cleaning. He would rather work an extra hour and pay for it to be outsourced; and that's fine.

Ask if he'd rather pitch in around the house or have to do everything alone in the house after your inevitable (at this rate) divorce.

I second the cleaner idea though.

Read this article
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Summary: This man lost his marriage because he didn't listen to his wife about chores/sharing housework. He didn't listen because he thought it wasn't important. Because it wasn't important to HIM. He didn't think that every time he ignored something his wife asked him to do, his actions were screaming "I don't care about how you feel."

He has worked it out now, and he communicates it to other men very clearly. He regrets not growing up sooner.

Might be worth sharing with your H?
You might also think about couples therapy. Relate has a sliding scale, I think.
He needs to see how important this is to you, and "Read this, come to therapy with me, or we must re-think if we should stay married" might work.

Go to Relate. Marriage counselling all the way.

If you contact relate, how long does it take to get an appointment and once you are in the system how often and for how long do you see one?

Feckinarse
I've read that article before and whilst it shows the guy now realised he fucked up by not pulling his weight I think the reasoning is appalling and minimising of the actual issues.

• he continuously references 1 glass outside the dishwasher. You can bet it was WAY more than just that not getting done
• he reasons that she has her view of what is necessary and he has his, NOT that he should always clear up after himself and do 50% of the household chores
• he refers to clearing up as 'an act of love and sacrifice'. No honey, it really isn't. It's just real life functioning as an adult.

I guarantee that if he'd pulled his weight and not assumed the mundane chores were 'wifework' that 1 glass outside the dishwasher 'in case he wanted to use it again' would not be an issue. Treating work within the home as something that should be done because it shows you care or you would otherwise hurt her feelings is just starting from the wrong place! 50% of that shit is HIS RESPONSIBILITY. It was laziness and selfishness that lost him his relationship, not failing to understand how a woman thinks vis a vis domestic chores.

Yes, I don't think he's a hero or anything and I don't love the 'she thinks differently about this stuff' angle.
(In other posts he says that his coddled spoiled life made him a horrible manbaby who was a generally selfish, shitty husband. And I agree!)
But I think it speaks effectively to other men, who need to hear "THIS IS A BIG DEAL even if you think it isn't" maybe from another man.

Thank you for all your replies, its actually made me tearful. I dont really like speaking to family / friends about things like this. I know housework rows can sound trivial but its really just grinding me down.

To all off you who recommended a cleaner, I had never even considered that. I think i presumed it was quite an upper class thing to have but maybe not now. We not rich by any means but have a good combined income.

@jennylou88 i think my DH would be of the same opinion its a waste of money but I will make my case anyway

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking no he doesn't have the flexibility I have to do to do school runs. I do a combination of part time in work plus working from home. He does a lot of tmdriving hours on top of his work so I dont expect 50%, doing things like carry a laundry basket upstairs instead of stepoing over it 2-3 times before I do it would be a start

@geekone i dont want to paint him in a totally bad light. He is lazy at home (but works hard at work - as do I). Doing things around the house just isnt on his radar / doesnt see it as a priority. Hes got worse as we've had each one. I think its stemmed from me being on mat leave doing the bulk of things and then Ive gone back to work (a year ago) and seemed to have slotted work in amongst everything else I was doing. Yes I do love him very much but hate how this is affecting our relationship.

@madcatladyforever thank you, sorry it didnt work out for you. That does put things in perpective.

@squishyfishy no i havent sepcified jobs but maybe thats what he needs. So far i have just thought uf you see it needs doing just do it.

@justasking111 our circumstances have changed a lot since we started having children, he used to work 9-5 local and I was the breadwinner. Over the past few years thats changed, hes very laid back and think things will just work out withiut realising the amount of juggling I do with work, the child minder, before and after school club

@arethereanyleftatall yes I do like him. I think a cleaner is definitely a way forward

@feckinarse i will have a read thank you

@heybreya i will look it up thank you

Thanks again everyone

OP your being kind of harsh saying "he's not pulling his weight" except you also said he works long hours and also works away?
You can't have everything - he's already offered for you to give up work except YOU don't want that??

No man/partner is perfect - I think you're looking for something/someone who doesn't exist.

Just stop doing things and arranging things. If he can ignore them and you then so can you.

Let the dishes pile up. Be too tired to bother shopping and cooking and suggest you order a take away. Just wash and deal with the laundry you and the DC need. Go out with your DC and leave him to his own devices. If he's too tired for date nights leave him home with the DC while you go out with friends or on your own etc etc etc.