Saving a marriage

[Beniejaney]

I havent been getting on with DH for a while. We have 3 young DC. He works long hours / away sometimes. I also work but do 99% of the school runs, all the cooking, all the washing, all the cleaning. He doesn't do anything around the house. He was never that good to begin with but since he changed his job 2 years ago its got ridiculous. I have told him how I feel I dont know how many times. He has said he'll change but doesnt keep it up. Then when I bring it up he brings up his long hours.
We've had sit down chats before, he wants to do that again but I don't feel like I have the energy to say the same things I have literally been saying for years. His perspective is I am constantly moody / nagging. No 1 else i know would describe me as moody but he is just wearing me down.
I want to resolve it but just dont know how. We have the odd date night but not recently. Its not easy getting childcare. Ots hard to do things as a family due to his hours but then when he had the opportunity he says hes tired.
Any suggestions on moving forward. I know this can be a common theme, but I just cant bare to carry on like this for the years to come. My mum was happy to he a housewife and it worked great for my parents relationship. DH has told me i could give up work as if that would solve it. I have my own career which i have already sacrificied for our family but I have no intention of giving it up.
What can i do other than tell him what I've already told him?

@Beniejaney
I have a cleaner and I'm definitely not rich - my DH and I both work full time and have DC - I recognise his flaws and don't love him any less just because he doesn't vacuum! He is good at what counts - he works, he loves his family and is a good man.

Op, when I first got a cleaner, I felt really guilty. It just didn't feel right. But then my dh pointed out how much more 'pleasure' I get from spending £20 on a cleaner, than say on a round of drinks at the pub.

If he isn't pulling his weight, can you employ someone to help you out?

Wtf.

Why should she have to?

I think what you have to realize is that this is "your" problem. I mean that in the sense that it is you that's upset. Your DH is fine with the situation.

So because it's you that's upset, it's you that needs to make changes.

That might outsourcing (the many suggestions to get a cleaner pps have made). Or changing your attitude (so that you don't care any more) or changing your behaviour to make a change happen.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.

If you want that to change, stop doing the same things.

I'm not saying this to be nasty; it's just it seems to me that stating your case and hoping he'll change his behaviour isn't going to work.

Good luck.

Yes he does work long hours / away but that doesn't mean is he is exempt from all household duties IMO. Hell yeah i dobt want to give up work - im a wife / mother with a career who doesn't want to be a full time maid

Thanks - you're right. It is my problem in a sense.

You admitted yourself he works long hours so he will be too tired to help around the house. Especially if it involves at lot of physical labour. You have the choices either to let some things slide, so the laundry basket ends up in the wrong place for X amount of days etc until he is not too tired or you can do the chore yourself. He probably feels under pressure enough to bring home enough money each month as it is. He did offer you the option to stay at home if that would make your life easier. As that is not an option all I can think of is sticking with the cleaner

or is the case once at home he is just lazy in front of the TV not doing anything like getting proper sleep to get some rest and just playing on the computer?

Get a cleaner is my advice, make him pay since he does such long hours and unwilling to help I'm such he can afford it comes from his pocket opposes to getting his backside into action.

@namechangexoxo it's not really him choosing not to help out more is it? he is working longer hours so I assume that the household has more money to spend.

The way I see it is what if he was single? He'd have to clean, cook etc etc while doing his job. If he's not helping out then I would assume he'd have to get a cleaner if he was single to keep on top of his housework. Therefore... pay up and get a cleaner rather than the wife getting lumped with it all.

@namechangexoxo personally I would say it should come out of the household budget OP also benefits from this as I assume some of her share of the housework would get done too. I assume a lot of single men working these hours would not have the healthiest diet so what ever is easy and the house would remain a tip.

I just remember that I despite my chronic fatigue and muscular pains I worked 3 days a week at a nursery leaving the house at 6 and getting back at 7-8pm. I had no energy left to do anything pretty much Wednesday-Sunday as I had to spend the weekend just regaining my stregth and did light house chores Mondays. All I could do Wednesday-Friday was just cry myself to sleep out of exhaustion and fiancé gave me a back rub and ironed my uniform for the next day. In the end I had to admit defeat that I could just physically not cope.

It's hard to work long hours and as long as he is not playing the computer all day long on his time off I don't see the issue with him not doing as much at home

What does he do on his days off? Does he pitch in at all or is that sacred man time?

DH and I kept having little arguments about whose turn it was to do the dishes or the washing etc. Eventually I decided that he does the washing more than me due to various factors so I took on the dishes as my task. We will help each other if needed eg I'll put dry clothes away or he'll unload the dishwasher and rack but essentially they are our individual jobs. Does your DH do anything at all?

You say yourself it's gotten worse and talking doesn't help. I would be honest with him and say that the previous however many talks have led to no improvement so there has to be an agreed way forward, lay out the options: a cleaner, specific tasks, divorce. Or whatever your list of options is.

The only way you'll be able to move forward together is by listening to each other and come up with concrete solutions. At the moment, it sounds like you just wanted to be heard and him to do things to help but without clarity as to what that is.

For one, dont assume you have it harder than him be s'use you do everything at home. Holding a stressful job with high responsibilities and constant demands and pressures requiring long hours cannot be compared with a job you just go to, do and then leave behind. It might very well be that he is as stressed and exhausted as you are. If that's the case, then it might not just be a case what more he can do.ut how together you can do things differently.

You need to come up with tasks that you can get others to do, like a cleaner, those that you are doing but are a tuslly not absolutely necessary and could be dropped and what efforts you can both make. In his case, doing specific assigned jobs, so he is totally clear what is expected of him that will make you happier, and you easing up on the nagging, so you can make him happier.

As you've said, e pe ting him to just do more alone hasn't worked so far so is unlikely to do so in the future unless you tackle the issue differently.