AIBU to be a bit pissed off.

[Dickdickdick2]

I’m feeling pretty pissed off with my DH who is on training exercise with work. He’s been away for the last couple of nights, leaving me with our 3 DC.

Not a big deal in itself that he is away, it’s work and I’m used to it although I will admit sometimes when I’m up to my eye in horse shite, (oldest daughter has horses) dealing with the latest tween drama or 6 year old trying to escape out the bedroom window and he is being forced into a trip away complete with social cheese and wine evenings and fresh hotel bed I do what to stab him in the eye but that is not my issue this time I do not think.

First night usual phone calls, he had a big meeting the following day so grabbed a burger and couple of beers and then called as me as he was going to bed.

Just to add I’m not needy but I do appreciate a phone call to find out how we are all doing, we have a few quite stressful issues ongoing with middle daughter which rose right before he left and he apologised about it being such rubbish timing but obviously being a very busy man there was nothing he could do.

He had told me he would finish around 5ish last night (expected home today after a final meeting this morning) and he would give me a call when finished. I got a response to a back to a message I sent him around 5.30 asking how his day was with “Hi” and “In the pub” and that is last I have heard from him!! Called him a few times since then and nothing.

I should probably add at this point that I don’t think he’s up to no good, cheating wise or anything like that, he’s a great husband and dad and we are very happy but he does find it tricky gage the work/home balance and his reply will be something like, “Oh sorry I just didn’t think” or “Time just got away from me” translating in basically I had a busy day, I was very sidetracked being a social butterfly and drinking all the beer and I came back the room and passed out without really giving you a guys a fucking 2nd thought!

AIBU to think this really is just not good enough and he should get it from me both barrels. I have been trying to rationalise it, think aw poor him, he’s had a really busy time of it and just needed to blow off steam but then I think if he had done this at home and disappeared without trace or contact I would be worried sick and on the verge of calling the police.

I have a little time before he arrives back here and I’d really like a bit advice on how I should handle this or likewise if it’s me that’s being AIBU and making a big deal out of nothing.

Would you be pissed off?

Anyone?

Just tell him that when he doesn't ring you it makes you feel like he hasn't given you a second thought and that a 20 minute conversation to let you talk about what's gone on with the kids that day isn't a big ask.

When we travel for work we don't call each other unless it's mutually convenient. So it's a shrug from me. I'm a beer-drinking social butterfly, and I'd step out of the pub if one of the DC wanted to talk to me, but I probably wouldn't do it unless asked.

That having been said, I wouldn't ignore a call. That's his bad.

I completely understand how you feel, having been there a lot myself.

Fair enough that you're pissed off. It would not kill him to find a quiet corner for 10-15 minutes to call you and catch up, particularly if there's something like you have going on that you want or need his input on.

(As much as anything, then he gets to polish his perfect parenting halo in front of all the other big wigs and high fliers - for some reason with men it seems to translate into kudos. . .)

Thanks...

I just think it’s pretty selfish of someone who has a wife and 3 children to not have properly checked in since Wednesday evening and been heard from at all since 5ish last night.

I think you're overthinking.

When I travel for work I don't tend to call home. I know to outsiders it can look glamorous with the receptions and dinners, galas and drinks but it's always work.

Some of the people I'm with I haven't seen for months and won't get the opportunity to see again for months and it's important to talk with them. The fact that we've got a drink in hand doesn't change that it's work.

So when I don't call DH it doesn't mean that I've been out being a social butterfly it means "I'm jet lagged and exhausted from 15 hours of travel, I woke up at 4:30 so that I could plough through some of the 'day job' before having breakfast with people I don't particularly like and straight into all day meetings. Coffee breaks have consisted of dealing with emergency calls and lunch was wolfed down whilst trying to finalise a report that was due yesterday. I was stopped three times on the way to the bathrooms by people who 'just needed a minute' and I had precisely 9 mins following the after meeting meeting to get black tie ready. Then into a taxi which is when I would have called but the driver had no idea where he was going so I was google mapping. I thought I might call when I got to the venue but oh fuck there's someone I really need to talk with having a fag at the entrance...."

And on it goes...

I don't usually call or expect calls but we do have find friends enabled, I find that takes away most of the reason to ring, but I'm not someone who enjoys phone calls anyway. I can see why you're upset but I think I'd be more likely to be like him. My bad I see now!

My DH goes away with work most weeks. We dont normally ring each other and in fact barely txt either. He's away working - yes he has a nice hotel room, 3 course dinner and wine but we dont need to live in each others pockets.
We also have 3 Dc, 21 ( final year of MChem) 17 ( A-levels) and 15 with Sen.
Plus 2 dogs.

Ok, looks like I am overreacting/overthinking...

To reiterate I’m not clingy, he is forces so we have spent up to 6 months away from each other with me holding down fort and unlike a lot of services we don’t have any contact at all.

Maybe I’m just bitter about all the free wine and cheese and bed without toast crumbs in it!

@BirdieInTheHand

It sounds like your travels take you far DH is only 75 miles away (this time) so definitely can’t play the jet lagged card!!

My DH has always travelled a lot too. If I'm having s bad day I do sometimes get a bit annoyed if he doesn't call but I know when I'm away from work I sometimes totally forget.

I would try to find a calm way of saying you'd been having a bad time and you really needed the support of his call. But don't Kay it on heavy.

I'd be irritated. It can be hard being the one doing all the house/child juggling and a quick phonecall to stay engaged isn't a big ask.

Some times we all.need to rant/moan/share our shitty day and if that coincided with your DH being away it can be tough as generally they are the only ones who fully understand.

If he's used to not speaking to you when away for a long time, then he's probably just not thinking about you, as he will have to 'clock off' when he's away for a while.

Saying that, my DH used to work away a lot, often in countries where the time difference was hard work, but he always stayed up to speak to the DC every single day, and ask how my day had gone, so I'm not surprised you're pissed off, I would be too.

dickdick I understand he might not be jet lagged, my situation is not dissimilar if I'm an hour down the road, it's just flat out. It might be the same for your DH?

How is he generally? If he's engaged and involved at home maybe this is just a blind spot for him? I don't call my DH in part cos it doesn't bother him (we do tend to text in the day - it can be a bit easier as I'm in group meetings rather than 1:1s) but if he told me it was important then I'd try and change my ways!

If my DH said

I don't think it's acceptable to not call. Yes you are away working but you aren't working 24hrs a day.

At the end of the day family and people come before work and a job and what kind of person doesn't want to talk to their kids, or partner, even for only 5mins?

In ,y experiemce there are two types of sucessful spouse travellers. Those who call every night without fail amd those who don't. Shillyshallying in between just adds more stress to both spouses and children as noone knows if a call can or will happen for sure.

I suggest that pre trip you set expectations for a call at a set time or no calls. Dh and I were no calls, BIL and SIL were bedtime calls every night without fail

I'm with @BirdieInTheHand.

My travel to the London office goes something like:
Leave home at 7pm on Sunday night have spent all weekend being mum and trying to cram in packing round the edges. Drive to hotel for 3.5 hrs. Arrive, check in, go to bed. Get up at 6am the next morning to spend 30 minutes in the gym (otherwise I wouldn't move all day), wash and dress and do hair / look tidy. Eat breakfast. Leave at 7:30 to get to the office by 8am. Do an hours emails before starting whatever turgid all day meetings I've been dragged in for. I "meet" ALL day. Even my lunches and coffees are with colleagues, managers or clients. Finish at 6pm, drive to the hotel, spend 15 minutes having a pee and freshening up before leaving for dinner. Dinner is with colleagues, clients or managers that I may like but otherwise wouldn't socialise with. We talk mostly about work. There is wine. Get back about 10pm. Wash face, spend 30 mins trying to unwind. Get into bed and try to sleep. REPEAT. All bloody week.

If never call home because I can't guarantee to catch anyone at a time that works for me. I send and receive the odd video message from my daughter (normally from the loo during bio breaks). I text or receive texts from hubby if there is anything that needs my attention but mostly there isn't.

If I get on a plane it is this with jet leg so I tend to get up at 4 or 5am and do a couple of hours emails before the gym and breakfast.

I drive home on Friday night. Get in about 11pm, get into bed. Get up at 7am the next morning to spend the weekend being mummy.

Business travel is shit. It is hard, tiring, involves far far too much being nice to people, you don't sleep properly or eat normally, your tummy starts to play up around day 3. You do it all with a smile on your face whilst wishing to go home. I must say i'd be pretty arsey if my husband suddenly got all needy and wanted me to start ringing him at set times to talk about home. I am rarely free at set times. I assume he will deal with that whilst I am dealing with clients. However if there is a genuine issue I can step out and deal - and have done. What do you want your husband to do? Just listen to you moan? If so he probably doesn't have time. If you need him to do something just tell him what you need him to do so he can do it and help you.

@Eliza9917

This is my stance too although possibly to my emotional fault, a full 24 hours (more like 36 now if we are getting picky!) and not even 30 seconds spare to send a text!!

@Cath2907

Your day sounds intense, when my husband is deployed, he probably feels as busy as you and I think the no contact thing (because due to the nature of his work we can’t) works for both of us. When is is away I put him in a little box in my head and look forward to being able to get him back out again, months soon months of not speaking to the person you love is tough and I think if I didn’t “file him away” as such I would crack.

This trip was definitely not like that and as far as I can see a bit of jolly with a mediocre working day in the middle of it.

I quite enjoy it when DH is away - I get annoyed with irrelevent texts about school and "stuff" . But I freely admit I'm odd like that.

This is one of the reasons I divorced my ex. He worked away regularly and I wouldn't hear from him for days. We didn't have kids but I would have appreciated a phone call once a day. It made me feel like shit and really impacted on our relationship because we stopped talking and sharing the day to day stuff.

DH is ex-forces and the only time we did actual phone conversations was the first time he went away but neither of us are 'phone people' to be fair. He still works away occasionally and if I remember I'll message him on Facebook but that's it bad wife it works fine for us so I don't think, as someone said upthread, that there's anything inherently wrong with not speaking when someone's working away. However, if you do like to speak every day there's nothing wrong with letting him know that.

@Eliza9917

This is my stance too although possibly to my emotional fault, a full 24 hours (more like 36 now if we are getting picky!) and not even 30 seconds spare to send a text!!

Yeah that wouldn't be acceptable in my house.

I'd expect a call or text to say they arrived ok. Then at least a call in the evening after work to check in and catch up. You are a partnership after all, not single ppl. Then a call when leaving so I'd know when to expect them home/know when they were travelling & whether to be worried if they don't arrive after a certain amount of time.

Maybe that's just me/my family though, we all let each other know when setting off in case something happens on the way, we always have done. DP's family do too, so me & DP do it.

Failing that, whats wrong with WhatsApp? Takes 2 mins to catch up on there.

I think if you let him know how it makes you feel calmly then that's totally fine