AIBU to be a bit pissed off.

[Dickdickdick2]

I’m feeling pretty pissed off with my DH who is on training exercise with work. He’s been away for the last couple of nights, leaving me with our 3 DC.

Not a big deal in itself that he is away, it’s work and I’m used to it although I will admit sometimes when I’m up to my eye in horse shite, (oldest daughter has horses) dealing with the latest tween drama or 6 year old trying to escape out the bedroom window and he is being forced into a trip away complete with social cheese and wine evenings and fresh hotel bed I do what to stab him in the eye but that is not my issue this time I do not think.

First night usual phone calls, he had a big meeting the following day so grabbed a burger and couple of beers and then called as me as he was going to bed.

Just to add I’m not needy but I do appreciate a phone call to find out how we are all doing, we have a few quite stressful issues ongoing with middle daughter which rose right before he left and he apologised about it being such rubbish timing but obviously being a very busy man there was nothing he could do.

He had told me he would finish around 5ish last night (expected home today after a final meeting this morning) and he would give me a call when finished. I got a response to a back to a message I sent him around 5.30 asking how his day was with “Hi” and “In the pub” and that is last I have heard from him!! Called him a few times since then and nothing.

I should probably add at this point that I don’t think he’s up to no good, cheating wise or anything like that, he’s a great husband and dad and we are very happy but he does find it tricky gage the work/home balance and his reply will be something like, “Oh sorry I just didn’t think” or “Time just got away from me” translating in basically I had a busy day, I was very sidetracked being a social butterfly and drinking all the beer and I came back the room and passed out without really giving you a guys a fucking 2nd thought!

AIBU to think this really is just not good enough and he should get it from me both barrels. I have been trying to rationalise it, think aw poor him, he’s had a really busy time of it and just needed to blow off steam but then I think if he had done this at home and disappeared without trace or contact I would be worried sick and on the verge of calling the police.

I have a little time before he arrives back here and I’d really like a bit advice on how I should handle this or likewise if it’s me that’s being AIBU and making a big deal out of nothing.

Would you be pissed off?

he’s a great husband and dad and we are very happy

Really? Based on this snapshot of your lives, none of that sounds true. A great husband and father in a happy marriage would want to get home to his family after spending time away, not go to the pub and ignore you.

When I go away for work I don’t call home. When the kids were really young I made brief time for a telephone call before they went to bed but once they reached school age I stopped this. Same with DH.

It’s not the same as being at home and disappearing. Your colleagues or someone would realise if you went missing while away and would raise the flag. With my work the first thing would be for a centralised function to call listed next of kin contact to see if they had heard from you and if not local police.

I must admit if I went away for conferences etc while kids were really young and teething for example I would snap my luxurious hotel room on arriving and send it to DH with a caption stating ‘sucks to be you right now’ or similar. Then I would squiff champers whenever possible around conference commitments. When he went away he would do like wise.

Forgot to add, if something goes wrong at home the person there would call the other person so it’s not like you have to check in to ‘see if everything is okay’. If my DH calls me while away I would excuse myself and answer immediately no matter the situation as I know it would be extremely urgent or an emergency.

@TedAndLola I started this AIBU and even I think that’s a bit judgemental and harsh.

He is working, and while this time round it does sound like it was a bit of a piss up in the evenings it was a mandatory exercise which he had no choice in.

My grievance isn’t that he had to go to work or even made the best of it. I’m pissed of he hasn’t attempted to get in touch for the last 24 hours!

My dh is away from home 3 nights a week. We usually have little contact in that time, maybe a quick phone call in the morning and another in the evening. Most Thursday night's they go out for dinner and a few drinks, so he might not call that night but will always text or keep in touch some how. And I get a call at 6.30 the following morning when he's on his way to work. I would be mad that your dh hasn't managed a quick text.

Hi OP

I think it depends on whether you've had a chat before and whether he knows it's something you need.

However it is pretty rude to ignore a text, no matter how busy someone is socialising with work, people are still allowed to go to the loo or take a call!

DH never works away but he goes away with his golfing mates a few times a year and he always rings morning and night just to check we're all ok, if it's a very brief call.

I'd be quite upset OP, and don't think you're BU at all. It would be no doubt lovely for you to walk out the door leaving all responsibility behind too.

Well, it's the usual shit.

Woman being the domestic drudge and man pretty much taking as much advantage of that as he can.

I'd ask him if he values your relationship and his family life with his kids. If he looks astonished and says yes, why are you asking? - you say well it hasn't looked like it over the last couple of days. You've acted as if we're unimportant to you and more than that, I feel as if you've pretty much stuck two fingers up at the fact that I've picked up YOUR slack at home to enable you to have it all this week - kids, home, wifey, but oooh look also unlimited single man style time to solicalise. You couldn't even make two minutes to call. Don't tell me you give a shit when your actions say different. This isn't an ok situation for me, so think hard, because right now next time you have an event, I'll be saying 'Sorry that doesn't work for me as last time made me feel like shit, so I'm not willing to take part.'

Being in the forces he's probably used to little contact so think that way when he's away any time.

From a perspective of the parent who is often away at work things, it's usually no walk in the park. I struggle to find a minute to ring home sometimes as every second seems accounted for. It may seem like a jolly but it's usually full on you are in work mode constantly and it can be really draining and exhausting. I tend to switch off from home stuff because my brain can't always cope with all the home stuff as well as the work stuff.

My Dh is capable of looking after the kids alone and if I've organised stuff and relayed all important info to him I don't need to keep checking in, I can just leave him to it. Equally when my DH is under pressure at work I don't hear from him much. So maybe your DH thinks the same?

@FizzyGreenWater

But I’m they stay at home parent Fizzy, I should be grateful that he goes away and does very important piss up’s working stuff while I get to stay at home cooking cleaning and dealing with the mundane bastarding routine of 3 children and 3 pets...

That’s sounded so much more light hearted in my head!

My husband works away a lot. I would find 24 hours without contact too long.
Also, i understand the whole 'away with work is still work' argument but i know when my husband works away he does a shorter than usual work day and has his breakfast, lunch and dinner served to him and access to hotel, gym etc. so I'm uninclined to view it as that much of a hardship.

That should say access to hotel gym, pool etc.
He is always put up in very nice hotels.
To be fair he doesn't network or have meetings as such just does the work he would do at home but in foreign locations.

It wouldn't (doesn't) bother me. I call DH if something has gone wrong/unexpected/lovely but that's all. We don't have a lot of contact Mon-Fri other than passing text messages. We catch up Friday nights.

However we are all different and if you would like more contact there is nothing wrong with saying so.

I would be bloody annoyed if he said he’d be home at 5.39ush but instead he’s at the pub. That’s not good enough hen he’s been away from the family for3 nights.

My work away schedule is exactly as cath lays hers out, although at 10pm I’d probably be logging in to do an hour more work. It’s a fucking spring break party compared to at home where we both work and I’d never pretend otherwise. I’d expect a call. It’s exactly what the first poster says - you knew it was a tough time here, when you can go to the pub and not spend 10-15 mins talking to me I feel like we are not a priority. I never signed up for solo parenting and if I’m not even getting moral support from you I can’t do this.

I'm in the same boat as you OP as I'm married to someone in the forces too. We have had MANY arguments over contact / no contact when he is away!
He often gets swept up in being away with basically what are all his mates as well as his colleagues. I do understand that he works hard and needs to blow off some steam afterwards but I also feel resentment when he doesn't check in, especially if my son or I have been ill.
I have come to the conclusion that we are apart from each other too much to let any problems brew without talking about them though! If you don't let him know really clearly what you need and want when he's away, then it will just make you really angry.
Can you not sit down and say to him "look I need X, Y and Z in order for me not to feel like crap when you're away".?
You have my sympathy though, it's bloody hard!