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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't cope with my kids. Aibu?

33 replies

Prusik · 08/03/2019 07:25

I know I'm being unreasonable here. I should be able to cope. So many other mums do great with their kids but not me.

Mine are 1 and 2 (13m and 25m) and my husband works, studies and is at uni two weekends a month. I also work evenings.

I'm exhausted, broke, tired and at the end of my tether.

I spent most of the afternoon yesterday shouting at them which is just awful probably slightly exaggerating

I have them all weekend and then all week next week on my own. No childcare, no family support.

The toddler is freshly potty trained which is a whole nother headache. I just really want to sleep but if I nap when they nap I don't have the headspace to catch my breath and reset myself

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 08/03/2019 07:39

That is a hard schedule. Look into free classes that are available that get you out of the house, and help you facilitate enjoyable time with your kids. Local libraries are great for this. You can also meet other parents which would be great support for this. Also, when they are high energy, don't underestimate the power of going to the park/ any green space, and letting them just run around.

Some kids really thrive on a schedule. Try writing out a day schedule and using it for 2 weeks. It might give you structure, and make you have more headspace for sleep.

Also, when they nap, if you can't wind down, try a guided meditation/ mindfulness on youtube or spotify. You may not have sleep, but you will have rest and can calm down a bit so you feel more refreshed to take on the next stage.

Original poster
Prusik · 08/03/2019 07:49

Thanks. We've luckily for a pretty good routine going and see a range of friends.

We get out an about pretty well. We're going to a country park this morning with a friend and her toddler. It'll be good when my youngest is walking.

I think it's just the sheer relentlessness of the constant food tidying away and one or the other of them being miserable. I just can't keep them happy.

It's tough taking the eldest out at the moment as he has some newly diagnosed but minor medical issues that are making him physically tired so outings tend to end in meltdown these days

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Sanguineclamp · 08/03/2019 07:57

Crikey that sounds really really hard op. Flowers Especially the age gap, the lack of support and the evening work. I don't know what to suggest but YANBU at all imho. Could you get in touch with a local church toddler group, gp, HV, homestart centre (sorry, live abroad so not sure what is available) and ask for help and support?

Mouikey · 08/03/2019 08:06

Have you considered childcare? Y one goes to pre-school 2 mornings a week and this provides me with the respite I need. Even if it’s just sit down with crap on tv and a cuppa for a couple of hours. Yes there is a cost but balance his against how much better you may feel.

picklemepopcorn · 08/03/2019 09:08

It doesn't last forever- it just feels like it! I see Mum's transform from harassed, tired and shellshocked into their old smiley selves, roundabout when their children start school or nursery. It's remarkable the spring in their step as they start to regain their sense of self.
Hang in there! It's worth it!

DuffBeer · 08/03/2019 09:17

Completely agree with pickle ^^

I was a shell of my former self, for well over two years. It's still hard four years on, but definitely getting easier as time goes on.

Original poster
Prusik · 08/03/2019 12:53

Unfortunately we're in the 18k per year household bracket so currently childcare is unaffordable. That said we've lost money this year so the two year old should qualify for some hours.

I feel like I get all the perks of being a sahm, all the perks of working but all the drawbacks of both too. Good everywhere, multiple lots of food prep, trying to find stimulating activities. But then not being able to sit down once they're in bed

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Stompythedinosaur · 08/03/2019 12:56

Is there another parent you can get together with? I always found that 2 adults watching 4 kids was much easier than being alone with 2.

My other advice would be to try and go to bed as soon as the dc do for a few nights and see if things feel more manageable when you've had a bit more sleep.

EssentialHummus · 08/03/2019 13:03

Make sure your husband takes them, even if all he can do is 20 minutes in the morning - bit more headspace.

Let meals slide a bit, or batch cook - like you I feel like I'm endlessly in the kitchen but actually a bit pot of soup/tray bake and frozen veg and we're good for two days.

I'm in the slog of the toddler years too Flowers.

Original poster
Prusik · 08/03/2019 13:23

I'm really lazy with cooking Blush chop some potatoes in half, frozen vegetables in the pan and maybe a pork chop. Done in twenty. The eldest has coeliacs disease so oven stuff isn't so helpful but I try to take shortcuts when I can.

I guess it's not the organisation that I'm struggling with but the emotional and mental pressure. Even when I see friends and stuff. One bad afternoon, like yesterday and I'll be beating myself up about it for ages. My boys don't deserve a mum who loses her temper

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Abcdefuck · 08/03/2019 14:04

That sounds really tough OP! Especially not having any support to take a breather. Getting out & seeing people obviously helps, I can see you’re already doing that. It’ll still get lonely & fucking tough though! All I can say is don’t be to hard on your self, don’t beat yourself up over not doing that washing up or being on your phone to long when the kids are awake or not having the energy to roll around & be a barrel of laughs. Keep it in the day, I’m sure your little people still think you’re the best mummy ever.

Original poster
Prusik · 09/03/2019 07:47

He's away afain at uni and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself if I'm honest

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Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/03/2019 08:00

I'm not surprised you're exhausted - it sounds like more than most of us could cope with! I have no useful advice, because just thinking about your situation makes me feel exhausted too, but I want to say YANBU. Everybody needs respite, and you are getting none.

Member869894 · 09/03/2019 08:07

I remember this feeling so well! It helped me to go to bed when they did in the evenings, to cook really simple meals (beans on toast with chopped banana etc) and to just resolve to keep one area of the house clean during the week, eg the kitchen. And be kind to yourself. This will pass x

AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 08:14

Apply for the two year old funding. 18k may be too much but it's worth checking! Google childcare choices, you'll find the info on there

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/03/2019 08:24

To those suggesting the OP goes to bed when the children do, she works evenings! When they go to sleep she goes out to start work!

Member869894 · 09/03/2019 08:27

I'm confused. If you work evenings and have no support what will you do next week?

Original poster
Prusik · 09/03/2019 17:06

I have to move clients around from week to week to accommodate when DH is going to be around. I either start at 3pm or 6pm depending on when he's available. It's a bit nightmarish at times to be honest. And I've asked my in-laws to come down Monday afternoon to take the boys for two hours before DH gets home

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Original poster
Prusik · 09/03/2019 17:07

Also some of my longer standing clients come to my home after the boys are in bed so I can teach there without needing childcare

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Original poster
Prusik · 09/03/2019 17:09

I'm in catch 22 currently. Our monthly income is as such for less than 18k per year but as we're self employed we're effectively a year behind. From July when our tax returns are done and tax credit renewals processed we will qualify

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Original poster
Prusik · 09/03/2019 17:11

I was supposed to teach while the boys napped today but I think my client forgot about coming Blush

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LovingLola · 09/03/2019 17:11

How long more will your husband’s studies go on for ?

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 09/03/2019 17:31

Oh you poor thing the only advice I can give you is to try and make friends with some housewives who don’t mind watching them from time to time.in the meanwhile Wine and Flowers for you you must be knackered.

Spiderbanana · 09/03/2019 17:34

I second the routine idea. Not just for them but to reduce your decision fatigue. If you know what is coming next without having to think about it, it is all much easier.

If you have a garden, I am great fan of wrapping them up warm and giving them an outdoor picnic. Much easier to clean upWink

Original poster
Prusik · 09/03/2019 17:37

This is year one out of 5.5 years. It'll ultimately be worth it in the end, I guess. This year was bound to be hardest as the boys were both under two when he started. Something like 6m and 18m. I'm glad we didn't delay because it's only a couple of months until he finishes for the summer. I desperately hope he'll be around more then but he's going to set up the new business from his interim qualification, do an additional short course, work full time (because I'll be working less) and still has to continue his practice hours also.

I guess if I'm still alive in five years then I'm going to take six months off and do bugger all for a bit as he'll be earning enough to keep me Grin

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