'Bloody woman'

[Hollygoverylightly]

Please tell me if I am overreacting...SO's elderly father (very mentally alert) keeps saying things like 'tell that bloody woman to do it' (for example, pour a drink). I either sit down and pretend I didn't here or leave. According to SO I am overreacting. I don't get mad, I just ignore it, but apparently because I don't obey when I am asked to do something in this way, I am being unreasonable. I'm putting this out there, but I pretty much know that this is not ok. What if I said 'hey dickhead, do that for me'

Start calling him ‘old bastard’. And your SO can be ‘son of a bastard’. Because it’s just banter, right?

Well he sounds like a right hoot

Oh, so using degrading gendered insults to imperiously command a woman to serve a man is a 'joke' now...

Riiiiiight.

...Except that your waste-of-skin insignificant other actually expects you to submit to such orders.

Tell your ISO that the next time his father says anything of the like you'll be responding with, "SO, tell that decrepit, flaccid old creep to get it himself. He may have one foot in the grave but his hands still work." See how okay he really is with 'jokes'.

But really, just don't ever go visit him again - and definitely don't allow him into your home.

By far your biggest problem is that you've tied yourself to a man who has no issue with his father disrespecting you and treating you like chattel that can be ordered about. Nor any issue with sexism. So much so that he actually thinks you're in the wrong for objecting to it.

Insane.

i'd be having words with 'so' about this in no uncertain terms as he makes excuses for his dad, and i certainly wouldn't be having too much to do with fil, and even less with 'so' if he thinks it's such a joke, this could be him in 50 years time, just saying...

They both behaved disgustingly IMO, but I do know that this morning SO will have words with his dad. Although this kind of talk from his dad must come as second nature to my partner now, he has realised now how offensive his dad can be. I also suggested he might like to talk to his dad about his lack of friends...I'm boycotting for the mean time.

'boycotting for now' good for you op, that's the way to go.

May I add...I do find it incredible how a person like my partner, who cooks every night, washes everything afterwards and puts the washing out, talks to me with respect and listens (most of the time) could stick up for his dad in this case. I am treated with the utmost respect at home, and I treat my partner in the same way. I do think he is so used to it from his dad, that he is actually surprised when someone calls him out on it. I know his dad enjoys my company, so the lack of it will make him think for sure.

makes you wonder what fil was like with his wife .

I'd be saying to SO 'tell that bloody old fool he can fuck right off, I'm not lifting a finger for the nasty little bugger - and never bloody will'.

YANBU the next time he does it tell him you have a name and would be more than happy to help him if he speaks to you politely.

What does SO stand for ?

Significant Other.

Urgh. What a nasty little man. Let us know what his response is when your SO speaks to him.

While I’ve had a chuckle at some of the things suggested to call him, why not counter like for like. When he calls you bloody woman, call him an old man. So when he says “tell the bloody woman to pour a drink” turn to your to your SO and say “can you get the old man a drink?” If SO balks, reply, “it’s just banter, can’t you take a joke?”

Another reply would be to look him directly in the eye and say “I do have a name, it’s _. Address me correctly and I’ll gladly pour you a drink.” Keep eye contact too.

Call him out like this every single time.

I think my fil dreams of talking about me and to me the way your fil does to you OP.

Thankfully he had at least self sufficient sense and self preservation skills not to go quite that far. (Pretty damned close though - and always when DH was out of the room. Such a brave little man. . .)

I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that either. I think you are right to boycott for now.

This man sounds like a stupid old fart, although I agree that age should have nothing to do with this. He needs called out on it.

In your shoes I think I would avoid visiting him as much as possible

If you have to visit, I would treat his outbursts indulgently, raise voice, speak slowly and clearly "oh dear, are we not feeling well today, let see if we can make you a bit more comfortable there "

He will absolutely hate being treated like a powerless child and get a kick out of getting a rise from you. I would not give him the satisfaction of showing you are hurt by responding in kind.

But mostly don't visit.

A good friend married into a family where the five yes five boys were treated like gods, waited on hand and foot by mother and one sister. Girlfriends and wives were required to join in. A lifetime later, she is the only one still married , but she and her DH2be did move away and supported his sister to move away too.

It's very hard to diagnose dementia early on. Looking back, two of the first things we could have noticed about my step father was a change of his sense of humour to be quite vicious and a lower interest in personal hygiene.

If he's always been a sexist dick then it's not likely to be dementia but it could be worth looking at other early indicators if his sense of humour has changed.

Well done OP.
You don't need to put up with that crap.
It's great your OH is good in all others ways.
He does need to have strong words with his dad though!