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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my toddler rear-facing?

69 replies

Chocolateheaven123 · 07/03/2019 15:33

I have a little boy who turned 2 quite recently. As he's getting older, I've started having more comments about him being rear- facing. And quite honestly, it's starting to annoy the fuck out of me. Now my son is quite tall for his age and has a sturdy frame, so well above the weight minimum, which is why I think people are struggling to understand why he's not forward facing yet.

The people are making comments are mostly relatives, some who have young children themselves and turned them FF as soon as they could.

I don't care what people do as they deem it appropriate as parents to do it. However, I don't for MY child. Thing is, he's absolutely fine RF. He doesn't whinge at all, and seems very comfortable like it, plus he loves nosing out the back window Grin

Me and his dad both agree this is what we feel comfortable with currently. We've done a lot of research into extended rear facing, and have decided as parents to carry on with this as we feel it's safer in the event of an accident. If he became upset or uncomfortable to the point of distraction, then we'd re-evaluate.

I don't discuss this decision with anyone, or query when people turn their babies the second they turn 9 months or at the weight limit. It's up to them, I leave them to it. And yet, I'm having so many comments on it lately regarding my son, such as:
"He's heavy/tall enough to face the front now"
"Ahh poor little Jonny (not his name), he's stuck facing the back"
"Ahh poor little Johnny can't see anything"
"ahh poor little Jonny can't see mum/dad"
"he's probably bored out of his mind"
"You can't interact with him that way"

And so on. It's really starting to irritate me. However, I also feel at a loss of what to say because they people are mostly relatives and I don't want to say anything that would indicate I judge their choice to turn their kids, if that makes sense.

I have a friend whos child is still RF (a little younger than mine) and she also has the same at times.

It's making me feel like I'm being cruel to DS, but he's HAPPY as he is at the moment. He actually drags me to the car sometimes as he wants to go for a ride Grin we will obviously turn him eventually but right now, are more comfortable this way.

AIBU or just over sensitive about this? Any suggestions of replies I can give next time someone comments?

OP posts:
Jebuschristchocolatebar · 07/03/2019 16:10

@hellonewjob I just bought a britax roomer and it’s brilliant.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/03/2019 16:10

I think your family and friends need a hobby Grin

We have our beanpole DD (3) in RF.

Baby #3 arrives in June forcing a third car seat in our car meaning her seat will now have to FF.

I’m not over the moon about it - given the choice I’d have had her RF until 25kg (even tho our Britax only goes to 18kg) but it is what it is.

What keeps me from fretting about it (because I’ve got stupidly big safety anxieties about the children) is that as a coping mechanism in my head she’s now of an age where I believe she’s likely to be around as safe FF as she is RF.

Couple that with the seats being the dogs bollocks (Britax Römer) the anxiety remains at bay.

Put simply: You keep your kid RF for as long as you want.

TillyTheTiger · 07/03/2019 16:12

We were rear-ended on a dual carriageway when DS was 8 months old and it was terrifying. I was injured but he was absolutely fine because he was in a properly fitted, properly adjusted infant car seat. He's now rear-facing in an Axkid Minikid and will be until he's 25kg because they are safer. He's perfectly happy, can see out of the window fine, and I don't care if all my friends are forward-facing their toddlers, this is my decision and I'm sticking by it whatever comments I get. After criticism for extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not doing CIO and not returning to work after mat leave it's all water off a duck's back by now - some people just enjoy questioning other people's perfectly reasonable parenting choices.

Original poster
Chocolateheaven123 · 07/03/2019 16:19

Haworthia I'm not evangelical, smug or preachy about it. Like I said, I rarely discuss it with anyone. The only ones who know how strongly I feel about it are DP and my parents.

Thanks for the replies. It's weird; I'm absolutely confident in our decision with this, but I feel awkward defending my choice without coming across like I'm criticising other people's choices Confused

I don't mind people enquiring about it. ILs asked once out of genuine curiosity (it's all new to them), we briefly explained our reasons and they accepted it without further comment. It's the comments I feel from my relatives, as if I'm doing something wrong somehow, and the judgement. I just struggle with it.

And to those asking, DS just bends or crosses his legs. He's very tall for his age but doesn't grumble at all. He actually spends most of the time pulling faces to himself in the mirror Grin

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 07/03/2019 16:41

I'd rather she was bored than dead"

Brilliant!

I’m going to use this EVERYTIME someone makes a negative comment about my son being rear facing.

SuziQ10 · 07/03/2019 16:58

Do whatever you thinks best & you can just waive off their comment.

My DD was RF until 22 months but it began to be far too cramped for her long legs in our small car. It did look odd and I felt bad that she had to sit with her legs crossed. It wasn't practical for longer drives.

WhyNotAlready · 07/03/2019 17:17

Yanbu DD recently turned to FF having RF until age 6.5.
Didn’t discuss with others often and certainly wasn’t “preachy” about it. Only came up if others mentioned it first and I’d just say we were happy, she was happy and we would stick with RF as long as we could.
In answer to PP about legs - they tended to sit with them crossed or up against the seat back. Would be uncomfortable for an adult, but so would many positions that 6 year olds happily sit in!

Enidthecat · 07/03/2019 17:51

My son is still RF at 3 years 8 months. He's 19kg and over 1 metre. Children naturally have more flexibility in their joints and their legs can comfortably sit in the position needed. It's safer than FF so I will be keeping him in this seat as long as possible. I have the two way elite from Britax. It RF to 25kg so I've probably got a while before he'll have to be turned around.

We have a mirror on back seat and he's so used to being able to see me in that. We've never had any negative comments and he's perfectly happy.

The in car safety centre are fab for giving advice based on your car make and model plus your child's age and size. They recommend ERF and sell the two way elite seat.

Siameasy · 07/03/2019 18:06

My DC is 4 and rear faces. I couldn’t care less what they do with their legs. People always say this leg thing as some sort of weird reason to turn them around.

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 07/03/2019 18:24

My nearly 4 year olds are rear facing in my car and forward facing in my husbands (which is only used for nursery runs). I certainly feel happier on long journeys if they're RF.

I don't think I've ever noticed anyone commenting on them being RF. but I also didn't notice anyone commenting on breastfeeding and I was one of those who never mastered discreet latching. Maybe I'm just a bit oblivious!

Biancadelrioisback · 07/03/2019 18:51

My DS is 2.5 and rear facing. He will stay that way until at least 3. Probably longer but I'm prepared to have a conversation about it then. Tell everyone to fuck off

Abneyandteal19 · 07/03/2019 19:06

Could have written this post myself OP! My DS is rear facing at 3.5 and is on the 98th centipede for height and 91st for height- he is totally fine and comfy! I intend to keep him this way until 25kg.

My in laws can't accept this and say unhelpful things like ' we just put a seatbelt round the Moses basket in our day!' Like it's some kind of clever thing!! I respond with- that is illegal Hmm

Stand by your decision and feel proud you've done the safest thing for your child!

FWIW I also have a friend who is super preaching about rear facing always posting stuff on FB etc and I also disagree with this- we all make our own choices and I would never preach to anyone about it- if asked I explain our reasoning but that it.

Nothing works for everyone - I know a lady from nursery who desperately wanted to ERF but her child kept being carsick, they tried FF and he stopped- for them FF was the best option!

The one thing I dislike about being a mum is the competitive parenting that goes on!! Car seats are an example of this as well as feeding, bathing, how many classes you go to etc!! So here's my truth- "my DC are rear facing and sometimes eats Wotsits and toast for tea whilst watching Hey Duggee!!" You can't win them all!! Wink

Abneyandteal19 · 07/03/2019 19:07

*centile not centipede!! Grin

noworklifebalance · 07/03/2019 19:13

My two still go in rear facing seats if we go on the motorway/fast roads and they are 8 & 6years - they are less than 25kg

noworklifebalance · 07/03/2019 19:15

And I also said that "I'd rather they were [insert misguided concern] than dead"

noworklifebalance · 07/03/2019 19:17

Nothing works for everyone - I know a lady from nursery who desperately wanted to ERF but her child kept being carsick, they tried FF and he stopped- for them FF was the best option

I would think that a vomiting child is a major distraction to safe driving so a good reason to go FF

TriciaH87 · 07/03/2019 19:27

Politely point out the law now states a child should be RF until aged 4.

Everydayimhuffling · 07/03/2019 19:35

I would respond to their concern, tell them your reason, and then change the subject e.g. "he's happy looking out the back window and it is safer" or "he's got enough space and it is safer". I do think saying "I'd rather s/he was bored than dead" is a bit judgey, though.

Windyone · 07/03/2019 19:36

Are you saying that children have to be RF or it’s unlawful @triciaH87

user1471426142 · 07/03/2019 19:39

My nearly 3 year old is very tall and fits perfectly in her rear facing seat. She has never complained and I will keep it that way as long as possible. Don’t feel under pressure to change if it works for you. Rear facing is safer (Although doesn’t work for everyone) so they can just pipe down.

Bigonesmallone3 · 07/03/2019 19:41

I'm surprised so many people have opinions on how u chose to have ur child in the car!

Really I don't care how people face there child, we all have our own reasons for the way we travel with our children.

badg3r · 07/03/2019 19:47

Both mine will be rear facing till they are 25kg. Car seats are one of my things I am very strict about, but like you I see other parents with similar age kids make different choices so choose not to comment. If someone asks directly though I do say that they are rear facing because it is much safer. I read a report of a parent who had one child rear facing and the (not hugely) older one forward facing. They had a full frontal collision. The rear facing child had hardly a scratch whereas the older one had catastrophic damage to their pelvis. Anyway, I digress, I would just say it is safer if pushed!

CarrotCakeMuffins · 07/03/2019 19:51

My DS is 4 3/4 and will be RF until he reaches 18Kg which might be a while yet...
I don't get many comments but if I do I just say 'it's safer'. Last time it was mentioned, the other mum agreed with me, even though her children are FF.

noworklifebalance · 07/03/2019 19:56

I do think saying "I'd rather s/he was bored than dead" is a bit judgey, though.

I disagree - I think the person who passed the initial comment is judging. In my case it was my MIL who, tbf, was not judging but couldn't seem to comprehend that it was irrelevant that they may be bored until I made such a frank statement.
Everyone else seemed to be genuinely surprised that children could be rear facing for so long and that it was safer - no judgey comments from them or me!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/03/2019 19:57

Not in the UK @TriciaH87

It’s only mandated until 15 months