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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to show my kids the world?

59 replies

Fluff1978 · 07/03/2019 15:26

Divorced 5 years ago. I have three kids. Recently sold my business so have free time (so grateful) and cash to spend. I want to give my kids and adventure that they will remember all their life.

Am I being unreasonable to want to take my kids (they will be 16, 12 and 10) away travelling round North Australia, New Zealand, and some of South East Asia for 6 weeks of the summer holidays next year? Older two are in private school so get nine weeks off. We’d be away 6 of those.

Ex husband has said absolutely not-that six weeks is too long for them to be away from him and that, that he absolutely won’t allow it, and that I’m being selfish.

AIBU? Need a sense check before I decide whether to pursue it legally

OP posts:

Sirzy · 07/03/2019 15:29

Does it all need to be at once?

Could you do 3 weeks this year and 3 weeks next?

Heratnumber7 · 07/03/2019 15:29

I agree. Compromise is everything.

Igottastartthinkingbee · 07/03/2019 15:34

Is there anyway he could join you for some of it?

Igottastartthinkingbee · 07/03/2019 15:35

Sounds amazing by the way! And definitely a good idea if you can get exDH on board. How do the kids feel about it?

mbosnz · 07/03/2019 15:35

I think perhaps it depends on what the children think? Personally as a parent, I hope if I were in the exes situation, I would be generous enough if the kids were keen, to enable them to have such a fantastic opportunity! Even with six weeks, that sounds a pretty full on itinerary, so I think you would want the six weeks. You're going to need down time in there to deal with jet lag and cultural overload as much as anything.

TheKitchenWitch · 07/03/2019 15:36

I don't think YABU at all. Surely these days it's fairly easy to stay in touch? And it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, you're not going to be doing it every summer.
However, how would you feel if your exH decided to do the same next year? Would you be ok with it?

Karigan195 · 07/03/2019 15:37

Legally you can do 4 weeks without needing his consent if that helps.

outpinked · 07/03/2019 15:37

They’re of an age where I would ask their opinions and if they want to go for the six weeks, I would take them. I do understand your exH’s perspective though, I would also hate not to see my DC for six weeks.

Sirzy · 07/03/2019 15:38

Also do the children, especially the older ones, want to be away from all their friends for the whole of the summer?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 07/03/2019 15:39

Try and compromise. Could you do two weeks,come home for a week, then another two weeks? Luckily I have two exdp who would be enthusiastic about the opportunities their dc would be having. I can never understand why parents don’t just look at what their children can get, rather than thinking about themselves. (Touches a nerve as I had a friend in a similar position, and it still annoys me).

twistable · 07/03/2019 15:40

It's 6 weeks and it's a one off, he's BU especially if the kids really want to go.

Ellisandra · 07/03/2019 15:41

What’s your ex actually like?
I would hate my child to be away from me for 6 weeks at age 10 - but that’s because I’d miss them, not any spite for my ex. (I’dbe jealous they were experiencing it with me though!) How would you feel?

If he’s a genuinely involved hands on dad, who will miss them - I’d compromise.

If he’s a dick who does the bare minimum of parenting - I’d be less sympathetic!

Igottastartthinkingbee · 07/03/2019 15:41

Personally I’d scale the trip back a bit, do one or two of the three destinations. Might be a bit much to squeeze into six weeks.

woollyheart · 07/03/2019 15:41

If you are going that far for a holiday, you have to spend reasonable amount of time there. It wouldn't be worth going for 2 or 3 weeks.

I assume that the children would love to go, and some of them are old enough to be deciding for themselves.

Maybe he could have most of the holiday with them next year?

Bananasarenottheonlyfruit · 07/03/2019 15:42

Friend of mine did exactly that last summer. The kids had an absolutely awesome time.
But, the H was supportive.

Personally, I think your kids are old enough to make their own minds up about how they want to spend their summer holiday and would be asking their views.

How many missed visits with their dad would it mean? Can he have ‘extra’ either side of the trip to balance it out? Personally, I think he is the selfish one, thinking that six weeks without him is too much and trying to stop a trip of a lifetime.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 07/03/2019 15:42

No helpful advice but I've got that Aladdin song in my head now - thanks op

cariadlet · 07/03/2019 15:45

I think that it sounds a great idea, but agree with your ex that it would be unfair on him. You mentioned that the older 2 have 9 weeks off. Presumably the younger one has 6 weeks off so would be with you for the entire summer.

I'm a teacher so try to make the most of the summer breaks and we often go away for 3 or 4 weeks. You can fit a lot in that time. Tbh, we've always found that our dd is ready to come home after that length of time away. When she was little she missed her dolls and teddies. When she was older she missed her friends. And she was always ready for her own bed.

As others have said, compromise is essential when parents split up. It will be worth it to try and keep things amicable. There's bound to be times in the future that you'll be asking your ex to make compromises for you.

If you've got cash to spend then why not go on one amazing but more focused trip this year and put the rest in a decent savings account ready for future trips in other summers. The children will have a brilliant time without trying to cram so much in.

Happyspud · 07/03/2019 15:53

It sounds like an amazing trip but very very unfair on your ex. I’d feel exactly the same about 6 weeks away from my kids. I’m sure you would too.

Though I’d maybe suck it up for them to have a great trip. I don’t know if I could.

Two weeks somewhere twice could be amazing too. South East Asia for 2 weeks. USA for 2 weeks. Or could you consider your ex joining you in oz for a week in the middle?

coffeeagogo · 07/03/2019 16:00

Go to NZ at a different time unless you are keen on snow sports as it is mid-winter - also not the best time for some of Asia (monsoon) could you split between 2 shorter trips summer/ easter?

OKBobble · 07/03/2019 16:08

Your ex is being a knob.

Houseonahill · 07/03/2019 16:18

The key thing here is A) do the kids want to go and not see their father for 6 weeks and B) would you be happy for him to do the same? If the answer to both of those are yes then YANBU

Rtmhwales · 07/03/2019 16:24

Do it. My sister took my nephew out of school for a year and did home schooling on the road when he was 11 or 12. They traveled all around Asia and South America. He's older now and still talks about how amazing the experience was.

TillyTheTiger · 07/03/2019 16:31

The trip sounds incredible! And the kids are at an age where it might be your last chance to do such a trip with them - in a few years time your 16yo may no longer want to come. I went to NZ in Winter and it was stunning, snow on all the mountains etc. It's such a long journey that ideally you'll need at least 4-6 weeks to be worth it.
How often does your ex usually see the kids? Has he considered his relationship with them might be damaged more by denying them the trip of a lifetime than by not seeing them for 6 weeks? He could FaceTime regularly?
Do they all definitely want to go for that long? I can totally understand why he's upset about the idea, but part of being a parent is putting the interests of your children before your own.

Mysterycat23 · 07/03/2019 16:35

He is being an utter dick. He can Skype them for fuck's sake. Having said that, no need for it to be 6 wks. You can do the same next year, and the year after that. Pace yourself!

Agree offer him the same time he would have had in a block.

E.g. he can have them for 2 wks of the summer hols, you take them for 4 wks.

And then maybe watch him get angry because he doesn't want to take annual leave..

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 07/03/2019 17:04

I can see his point tbh. My dc are 9 and 11 and I wouldn't want them to be on the other side of the world from me for 6 weeks. It's too long.

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