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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or am I right to feel annoyed?

32 replies

CobaltRose96 · 06/03/2019 11:41

Hi all. Just looking for some perspective on this and want to know if I'm being unreasonable, or if my brother is.

I am currently almost 40 weeks pregnant (due on Saturday) so admittedly not particularly desiring visitors. Since last night I've been getting stomach cramps and diarrhoea (not sure if it's a stomach bug or impending labour!) so I'm DEFINITELY not in the mood for visitors!

Well, just now my brother rang me. He was in town nearby and wanted to know if he could pop in for a 'cup of tea' (it's never just a cup of tea and he usually stays for quite a while). I told him that it probably wasn't the best idea as I wasn't feeling great. He responded with 'If you don't want to see me, just say...'. I reassured him that that wasn't the case and I reaffirmed that I wasn't feeling well. He responded with 'Okay, whatever. Bye.' and hung up!

My brother often does this. He will ring up on short notice (he's usually only a couple of minutes away) and ask to come round and get shirty if I say I'm busy/can't see him. But he will also guilt trip by saying he feels lonely and wants someone to talk to and feels like he never sees me. He lives with his partner, as do I. He does have mental health problems (as yet he doesn't have a diagnosis but we suspect bipolar or anxiety) so I do feel guilty when he says this, but I too have social anxiety and do not like visitors coming up at very short notice. He knows this, yet has done it frequently. One time he even texted me to say he was right outside my flat, so I felt I had no choice but to let him in! If he had asked if he could come round in, say, an hour I'd have been happy for him to pop up. But he never gives more than a couple of minutes notice. Social anxiety aside I also just find it rude!

AIBU for being hacked off and thinking my brother is being a juvenile twat? He is almost 25, so not a child and I feel like he's throwing a strop. I do love my brother and we usually get on fine, but we are very very different and I must admit to finding him rather difficult at times, so I don't know if that's clouding my judgment of the situation. Plus there's all the hormones of pregnancy which might be making me unreasonable! Grin

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 06/03/2019 11:45

Imo you should appreciate you have a sibling..
Especially who seemingly likes to spend time with you!!
Grin

Original poster
CobaltRose96 · 06/03/2019 11:47

Oh I do, and like I said we get along 99% of the time, but that doesn't mean I can't feel annoyed by him occasionally! Grin

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 06/03/2019 11:49

Focus your mind into seeing a potential babysitter!!
Hopefully not a birthing partner as emptying of the bowels can be a labour sign!!

Samind · 06/03/2019 11:50

It's the last thing you'd want at this stage. You're tired and waiting for things to kick off (clear out was my big sign that labour was happening 🤭) I'm sure he'll get over it. Don't feel bad and you're not over reacting at all. Good luck though 😁

kayaholly · 06/03/2019 11:52

Siblings are a pain in the arse in the best possible way Grin
They don't count themselves as having to abide by the same rules as you would apply to friends, it's obviously a good relationship if he feels ok to just phone up and say he's calling round, it's also ok for you to say no I'm not up to it.

He'll get over it, and he will do it again, it's ok to be miffed, think screw it and focus on you. You will also get over it Smile

Crazyladee · 06/03/2019 11:53

I thought you were going to say that you have been asked to have a group of family stay for a week! In which case you would definately not be unreasonable to say no! But a brother popping in for a cup of tea isn't a huge deal is it? Although it depends on how unwell you really feel.

I remember at that stage being bored to tears and totally fed up and would have grabbed the opportunity to have a family member/friend to talk to and share a cuppa with.

Samind · 06/03/2019 11:54

@crazyladee. I was the exact opposite and wanted everyone out my way and to stop texting any news yet? haha 😂😂😂😂

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/03/2019 11:54

I find it odd family have to ask or make an appointment to visit. Do you have some sort of social disorder? Ah I see you have social anxiety Hmm but he's your brother? Weird TBH. Can't you just throw a tea towel at him and tell him to make you a cup of tea?

Lifeonmars77 · 06/03/2019 11:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling annoyed. His response was immature and rude, as is his behaviour on other occasions it seems.

However, I do think that you would be unreasonable to dwell on it or allow him to guilt trip you. Your own emotional wellbeing is the most important right now, especially with the upcoming birth of your baby.

Have you ever sat down and had a friendly chat with him about respecting boundaries? If not, maybe it would be worth doing...he may not realise how his actions are impacting your social anxiety or you in general!

Is it likely he'll do this when the baby is here? That's a whole new level of inconvenience you won't want to deal with Smile

Original poster
CobaltRose96 · 06/03/2019 12:04

Hi all, I appreciate all input! @PlainSpeaking unfortunately with social anxiety any kind of social interaction can be very anxiety inducing if I'm not given appropriate notice. I appreciate it may seem weird to an outsider but I don't think it's too much to ask to at least give SOME notice and not just turn up at my flat. Like I said, social anxiety aside I think it's also just bloody rude to turn up at somebody's house without telling them!

@Lifeonmars, good question. I would hope he wouldn't when baby is here but I really don't know. He has anxiety himself (but not socially) so I'm sure he would understand if I sat him down and spoke to him. Thanks!

OP posts:
Fromage · 06/03/2019 12:08

If it's not convenient, his strop is not your responsibility. I'm going to assume he's aware that you prefer not to have 'drop in' visitors (I don't, lots of people don't) and even though he's family, it doesn't give him right of entry to your home.

The claims of loneliness etc are sad but I feel that he's playing on you. It's a little bit manipulative - and if he has a MH issue of course that's not really his fault and it wouldn't be a conscious decision to get his way, I'm not suggesting he's a bad person at all.

The facts are, you're nearly due, feeling unwell, needing to be near a loo, and your brother has a history of outstaying his welcome. YANBU to tell him now's not a good time, and yes, he's being rather childish to be stroppy about it.

But good luck though! Hope the baby arrives soon!

MaMaMaMySharona · 06/03/2019 12:09

*I find it odd family have to ask or make an appointment to visit."

Isn't it normal to arrange to see someone, not just turn up at their house or call just before? Far apart from anything else it's a waste of your time if you turn up and they're not home/ in the bath/ busy doing whatever.

It's not 'making an appointment', it's common courtesy - polite not to assume people are just sitting around waiting for visitors!

Lozsmith · 06/03/2019 12:09

Lucky you get warning, my MIL and SIL’s regularly just turn up for a cuppa and a chat, never lasts just 30 mins they always end up staying for an hour plus. Once was a couple of hours after we got home from holiday! I was 12 weeks, still suffering from sickness and was napping at the time.
But I love having family close by, it’s better than having no one at all.
I don’t think your being U for feeing a bit annoyed but don’t dwell on it, he just wanted to see you, take it as a compliment and try to arrange to meet up in the next few days... depending on baby’s arrival!

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 12:11

FFS of course YANBU. By the sound of it you are about to go into labour, you're tired and feeling off colour. Why should you have to put yourself out to deal with your brother, who doesn't sound like he will be any support or comfort but will expect you to give him unlimited attention. he needs to get over himself.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 06/03/2019 12:11

No it's not you. 40 weeks with labour imminent, no way I would be hosting visitors.

And I am also one of those who expect visitors to arrange in advance. Family or not. Can't stand people who just turn unexpectedly xx

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 06/03/2019 12:15

I'd have said I was feeling dodgy, but if he wanted to risk

a) catching the withering shits
b) acting as emergency midwife in the event of sudden labour

then he'd be more than welcome, ALSO please pick up something for lunch, some lovely sweeties, a nice cake, tea bags, decent coffee and milk, and bread and biscuits and something for my supper too cos I am too fat and pregnant and queasy to go out.

And also I would not be lifting a finger, cos ya know ... pregnant ... and making a pregnant sister a cup of tea and lunch is the very least he could do.

bringincrazyback · 06/03/2019 12:16

I find it odd family have to ask or make an appointment to visit. Do you have some sort of social disorder? Ah I see you have social anxiety hmm but he's your brother? Weird TBH. Can't you just throw a tea towel at him and tell him to make you a cup of tea?

If you don't understand social anxiety, why comment?

I have it myself and it makes 'pop in' visits hard for me. Social anxiety doesn't magically disappear just because the visitors happen to be family.

LizB62A · 06/03/2019 12:17

It's absolutely your choice - forget about it, it's all about him and he's clearly not considering that you might not be feeling 100% at the moment

PanickAttack · 06/03/2019 12:22

Ur brother sounds the complete opposite of mine. Have to beg them to visit me and bribe them with all sorts.

While annoying, it’s a cute type of annoying.

Hold on to him

DarlingNikita · 06/03/2019 12:23

PlainSpeaking, why the face when you talk about social anxiety?

OP, YANBU. He could be more sensitive.

perfectlyspherical · 06/03/2019 12:32

Absolutely perfectly normal to make appointments with family. With my immediate family I would never presume I could just land myself on them. I always make appointments, even with one brother who lives 10mins drive from me in the same city. Half the time I make appointments to ring them too. OTOH, my aunty and cousin drop by unexpectedly and it's a right PITA, half the time they turn up when we're about to go out or just as we're about to make dinner, and they stay for ages. Only polite to give some advance warning and not presume family members are sitting on their tod just waiting for a visit. Social anxiety aside, you are not being rude OP.

Namechangedbecauseiwantto · 06/03/2019 12:38

Would be interested in the responses if this was a dp/dh expecting the op to drop everything to suit him?
Op YANBU.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/03/2019 12:40

He turns up without warning wanting your undivided attention for as long as he wants it.
He doesn't listen to you when you say you are unwell ( and he ought to open his brain to the fact that you could give birth at any time)
Slams the phone down when he doesn't get what he wants - that is emotional blackmail.
You are not being unreasonable at all OP. He is only considering himself and even if he has difficulties he needs to respect other people and not behave like a sulky teenager.
Having said all that, its nice to have a brother.
I thought Life on Mars had a good suggestion, talk to him kindly, set some boundaries and tell him to stop using the hang up method whenever you don't just jump. Best of luck with your new baby x

Folf · 06/03/2019 12:46

sounds like the early stages of labour to me, please keep an eye on it!

I think you were a little unreasonable, but that pregnant, its allowable.

PanickAttack · 06/03/2019 12:49

Ah just pick up the phone and call him

“Why did you hang up your phone you silly drama llama ”

Brother: “errrr... ok sorry”

“ I love you and am so grateful to have you wanting to visit me, but I’m heavily pregnant and have social anxiety. Can u not take it personally?. Can I invite you after I give birth ? Thanks”

Brother: “ok”