AIBU or am I right to feel annoyed?

[CobaltRose96]

Hi all. Just looking for some perspective on this and want to know if I'm being unreasonable, or if my brother is.

I am currently almost 40 weeks pregnant (due on Saturday) so admittedly not particularly desiring visitors. Since last night I've been getting stomach cramps and diarrhoea (not sure if it's a stomach bug or impending labour!) so I'm DEFINITELY not in the mood for visitors!

Well, just now my brother rang me. He was in town nearby and wanted to know if he could pop in for a 'cup of tea' (it's never just a cup of tea and he usually stays for quite a while). I told him that it probably wasn't the best idea as I wasn't feeling great. He responded with 'If you don't want to see me, just say...'. I reassured him that that wasn't the case and I reaffirmed that I wasn't feeling well. He responded with 'Okay, whatever. Bye.' and hung up!

My brother often does this. He will ring up on short notice (he's usually only a couple of minutes away) and ask to come round and get shirty if I say I'm busy/can't see him. But he will also guilt trip by saying he feels lonely and wants someone to talk to and feels like he never sees me. He lives with his partner, as do I. He does have mental health problems (as yet he doesn't have a diagnosis but we suspect bipolar or anxiety) so I do feel guilty when he says this, but I too have social anxiety and do not like visitors coming up at very short notice. He knows this, yet has done it frequently. One time he even texted me to say he was right outside my flat, so I felt I had no choice but to let him in! If he had asked if he could come round in, say, an hour I'd have been happy for him to pop up. But he never gives more than a couple of minutes notice. Social anxiety aside I also just find it rude!

AIBU for being hacked off and thinking my brother is being a juvenile twat? He is almost 25, so not a child and I feel like he's throwing a strop. I do love my brother and we usually get on fine, but we are very very different and I must admit to finding him rather difficult at times, so I don't know if that's clouding my judgment of the situation. Plus there's all the hormones of pregnancy which might be making me unreasonable!

Thanks

YANBU. I completely understand. Have you told him you like notice? He needs to take that on board instead of sulking.

You are completely reasonable in this instance, but you don't seem very understanding that him ringing at the last minute is probably related to his anxiety- he's waiting to see how he feels and then asking if he feels ok. This is incompatible with your need to know what's going on ages in advance.

Have a little chat and see if you can talk it out, although I wouldn't be interested in listening to emotional blackmail- you are doing what you can, he is doing what he can and his needs do not outweigh yours.

I still never understand why people, close family or not, think it's ok to turn up unnanounced... I find it really intrusive.

Mind you, I even hate it when my husband comes home early from work without telling me

In my family if your passing you just turn up, people get the tea/wine and biscuits out. We love seeing each other

Never get the family must call ahead and make appointment stuff you see on here, it’s alien to me

I think yanbu personally. Sometimes we just cba for whatever reason with impromptu visitors and it’s ok to say no.

YANBU and I totally get why you weren't up for it, but you need better excuses. "Can't do just now I'm afraid, I'm just off out" "I've in bed with a migraine so see you another time" "I'm having the neighbours round in a minute". That way you don't have to piss him off because you simply don't feel like it.

And tell him again - you love him, you want to see him, but the short notice and badgering isn't the best way. Try making arrangements with him for the future and be available for them - like coffee next saturday etc. (Not in your current circs of course - but when things settle down)

Oh and diarrhoea = baby imminent IME! Good luck!

I find it odd family have to ask or make an appointment to visit. Do you have some sort of social disorder? Ah I see you have social anxiety but he's your brother? Weird TBH. Can't you just throw a tea towel at him and tell him to make you a cup of tea?

I knew it wouldn’t take long for this to be trotted out. Why can’t people see that not everyone is comfortable with guests popping in at any old time? If YOU are, fine - crack on. Not everyone is. It’s not ‘making an appointment’ - it’s just checking if something is convenient (or even if anyone’s actually going to be at home!)