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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD birthday AIBU to not invite class mates

27 replies

Mumto4crazies · 06/03/2019 10:08

My dd birthday is later this month, she has been bullied by the girls in her class. My dd is sweet kind and gentle, a real people pleaser and hates confrontation, arguments and violence (hitting, kicking etc).

School are on top of the bullying as they love seeing me coming down the yard lol..

anyway they picked on her the day before another girls birthday, so she didn't go because her anxiety was through the roof and she was physically sick because of this. I feel the 2 that did it, done it on purpose, so she wouldn't attend as it was an all-day party.

Now my DD wants to invite all the girls in her class to her pamper day party. AIBU to only invite her cousin's and 2 very good friends who attend different schools?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 06/03/2019 10:11

Do all the girls in her class bully her? Is there no halfway house bw inviting all the girls from her class and none of them?

ittakes2 · 06/03/2019 10:12

I would go with what she wants - it might help her build bridges or feel more confident around them.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/03/2019 10:14

I think it'll be a bit off to invite them if school are tackling bullying by those girls. If I was a teacher I'd be a bit confused by the invites to bullies.

I'd go with your instincts and invite girls you know will be kind

whatsthepointthen · 06/03/2019 10:14

cant she just invite ones shes friends with. I dont get this having to invite everyone, yes not nice to exclude one or two but this isnt the case if she only
invites a few shes friends with.

Fabaunt · 06/03/2019 11:15

Exclude the bullies

Corcra · 06/03/2019 11:20

How many are in her class. My daughter is dealing with similar (I’m considering changing schools). But She invited 5 girls and 5 boys that she likes (out of 30 in the class).
I wouldn’t be trying to build bridges with children like that but create boundaries.

Thehop · 06/03/2019 11:21

Exclude the bullies

Eliza9917 · 06/03/2019 11:22

I'd invite her friends from her class but not the bullies.

Beaverhausen · 06/03/2019 11:28

I would only invite those closest to her.

MiniMum97 · 06/03/2019 11:35

Yes don't invite the bullies. What's terrible idea (not of your daughter's, of the previous posters).

Blobby10 · 06/03/2019 12:13

I don't envy you OP. Your poor daughter - it may be that she feels she HAS to invited the bullies or possibly wants to in the hopes that it will make them like her and stop being horrid to her. Logically yes, it makes sense not to invite the bullies but would this make life harder for your daughter in the long run especially if she invites some of her classmates?

A horrid situation and one in which there's not really a 'right' answer [-flowers]

YogaWannabe · 06/03/2019 12:15

Surely you can’t dictate who she invites though? How old is she?

Seeline · 06/03/2019 12:16

Does she have no friends at school?
I would invite those. I would send invites direct to parents if possible to avoid your DD having to hand out invites to others in front of the bullies.

SpeedyBojangles · 06/03/2019 12:20

She may want to invite the bullies as she feels the others may not attend if they don't go. Poor DD, what a horrid situation. I would be mortified if I was the parent of a bully.

Crabbyandproudofit · 06/03/2019 12:40

I think you need to talk to her and find out why she wants to invite them all? It may be that the bullies are also 'popular' and she thinks/hopes this will make them like her. She may be afraid to exclude them or worry that others won't come if she doesn't invite them. You could probably have a very different party with a small group so talk about what she wants and expects from her party. I totally understand your feelings about not wanting them there.

Original poster
Mumto4crazies · 06/03/2019 12:51

She will be 8, there are 8 girls in the class and she came home yesterday hating life and refusing to go school today because they had been mean and whispering about her whilst in ear shot! I feel it's right just to invite cousin's & 2 friends and screw the rest, my dd is so sensitive ATM due to other issues.

She feels she must include them all as it often discussed in school about being friends with everyone and being inclusive. I think she feels if she doesn't invite them they will exclude her further.

I have done everything in my power to convince her that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks it's her party.

I am waiting to hear if we can access councelling services for her because she desperately needs to off load all her worries, she has disclosed a few to her brownie leader who is my best friend, DD knows she will tell me if it is concerning but doesn't want to tell because she feels that she doesn't want to worry me, not realising it's actually worse for me not knowing.

OP posts:
Whatweretheythinking · 06/03/2019 13:21

Have you thought about swapping schools?

Slatkater · 06/03/2019 14:37

I had the same experience with my daughter. 8 girls in her class, 5 who formed a clique and dominated everything. Excluded and bullied my daughter. I wish I had changed schools.

Original poster
Mumto4crazies · 06/03/2019 14:39

We have discussed moving her, but she doesn't want to leave and let them win. If it's no better by end of June, we'll move all the kids for September.

It's so difficult, school are helping her and giving her tools to deal with it and being very open with them that the behaviour is not acceptable. The bullies parents are defensive and claim there is no way their DD would ever do such things. Stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:
Excited101 · 06/03/2019 14:40

I don’t think I could trust any school that tells the children to be friends with everyone tbh.

bellabasset · 06/03/2019 14:41

Your dd needs to understand that while being friendly to her classmates she doesn't have to be best friends with all of them. You could suggest she invites just 2 or three of them if she wants to.

MrsJayy · 06/03/2019 14:47

Your poor girl she might be trying to placate / not rile these girls I think you should maybe guide her to not inviting them if your Dd was older i can't see people suggesting she invites girls who make her miserable. Invite her friends an 8 year old doesn't need the stress.

MrsJayy · 06/03/2019 14:49

Also your dd might have mentioned her party at school and is being pressured to invite them, she can be kind without being a push over.

MrsJayy · 06/03/2019 14:53

I dislike we all must be friends it makes no sense you can't like everybody but you can leave people alone is probably a better message.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/03/2019 14:58

Tell your dd that she can invite a few girls from her class that she is particularly close too, that she doesn't have to invite all children, as long as one is not left out kind of thing so she feels better inviting just a few!