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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to a part time dad?

34 replies

Winkywoo · 05/03/2019 13:51

So I chose not have kids, hubby has 2 boys, ones just turned 14 and the other Ian going to be 12 in July, however the 11 year old is more like 9 mentally.
my hubby has them fortnightly and weeks on leave times. We have always had issues with bed times and restrictions for them as they’ve got older.
It’s now at breaking point for me, I see my hubby at weekends and leave only, he allows his eldest to put himself to bed, only recently he’s started to tell the 11 year old to do the same. One ooh t he was still playing at 2am!
I collared the subject the next day as he keeps me awake talking online to whoever, he then wakes up and proceeds online from around 7-730am.
I went a bit mental and started to get annoyed as I’m laying there awake and can hear him talking and my hubby just goes straight to sleep. I’ve asked if we can stop and put him to bed turning the game off and his reply is I want him to learn to put himself to bed to be I dependant, and I’m stopping that.
I have said he’s not old enough yet, why would a child go to bed on his own accord! It’s ridiculous.

Someone please help it’s effectibg my relationship with my hubby! It makes me dread the weekends of kids! 😓😓

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/03/2019 13:56

however the 11 year old is more like 9 mentally.

Arent you the charmer ?

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 14:03

So what happens when they're with their dm? Does she enforce bedtimes? Tbh, it's not really your circus, and they're someone else's monkeys. You don't have them that often anyway.

You could turn the WiFi off, but it would make more sense just to switch off yourself. Soundproof the room? Earplugs? Just chill Flowers

KylieKoKo · 05/03/2019 14:13

Of course it's not unreasonable to expect people in your own home not to keep you awake til 2am! A lot of people on here will tell you that you are though because you are a step-mum.

Surely the obviously solution is to ban game-playing after a certain time if he can't do it quietly. This doesn't mean he has to go to bed. 2am seems very late for an 11 year old, even on weekends.

blueluce85 · 05/03/2019 14:13

Well firstly... He isn't a part time dad... He is a dad full stop... He just unfortunately only has his kids some of the time. And I say that as a single mum!

I agree with you OP that is isn't appropriate for children of that age to be going to bed so late. Sleep is crucial at any age, and definitely at that age. However, it's not up to you to dictate how he parents HIS children

formerbabe · 05/03/2019 14:16

Does the youngest have special needs? Or do you mean he's just immature for his age?

Obviously an 11 year old shouldn't be awake at 2am...yanbu.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 05/03/2019 14:17

Your dh is confusing independence with zero parenting.
All dc under 16 need a bedtime ime.
And if your opinion is belittled are you in the right relationship?

Fuzzyheadache · 05/03/2019 14:19

My step son stays EOW, it’s not always been like that, however, his mother lets his do whatever he likes, so long as he isn’t near her (charming I know) but our house our rules.
Bedrooms are tech free, no phones, TVs, games consoles etc. Bedtime means sleep.
Regardless of what they do at their mums house, you have your boundaries and rules, you are well within your rights to uphold them.
Surely dad would want routine and sleep for his children

Redken24 · 05/03/2019 14:21

Turn off the Internet or power 🤗

blueskiesovertheforest · 05/03/2019 14:25

11 ist too young to self regulate sleep when unregulated online gaming is available 24/7.

Talk to your husband when you're both calm and ideally when the boys aren't there, and compromise on parental controls on consoles / PC and WiFi off (to cover any portable devices which don't live at your house so your husband isn't in charge of putting parental control on) to prevent gaming between 22:00 and 09:30 but agree your husband will have a conversation with him about the reasons for doing this and compromise on ds2 still self regulating when he actually chooses to go to bed and sleep without gaming available late at night or early in the morning.

14 year old is a bit closer to an age where self regulating might be ok/ right for many but not all children. WiFi off at 22:00 is still fair though, perhaps no parental controls needed on any console he might have sole use of for offline gaming. Totally fair enough not to game between 22:00 and 09:30 IMO though. TV and books are still available! He might spend more time with his dad, or choose to get more sleep!

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 14:25

Back in the day when my DS were teens, and playing their music too loud too late, I used to switch the electricity off so they had no option but to go to bed. It worked.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2019 14:25

Could you 'escape' when they come round?
Stay with family or friends?
I couldn't put up with this.
Your DC just CBA to parent his child.
Or as another PP has said - disable the Wifi!!!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/03/2019 14:26

Well firstly your DH needs to be paying maintenance and considering and thinking about his kids even when they aren't with him. I assume he isn't as he's only a part time Dad so must only do stuff for or with them on his contact hours...

I would be going into his room and telling him he needs to be quiet and I'd be pointing out to DH than his son may well be talking to paedophiles and all sorts online as he clearly isn't monitoring it at all.

I think you're right that the kids need a set time when lights and tech goes off. They aren't very good as impulse control, understanding how to get enough sleep or who they're talking to online

Alsohuman · 05/03/2019 14:27

Turn the WiFi off.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/03/2019 14:28

Sounds like a bit of a Disney Dad

QuizzlyBear · 05/03/2019 14:29

My eldest DS (14) has always pushed the boundaries at bedtime (sneaking in electronics etc) and until recently I've always been the bedtime Nazi and insisted on lights out at 9.30 / 10pm. Mainly because it's been impossible to wake him for school if he's up late!

My DH has asked that we give him more leeway recently and now we say good night at 9.30 and trust him to put himself to bed by 10.30. I know he doesn't but I'm trying to pick my battles.

Right now if he can stay quiet enough that he's not disturbing anyone else, I'll let late nights slide and he's bright enough to realise that if I can hear him it's lights out! Maybe that's a compromise worth considering?

Your DH is right that they have to learn to monitor their own routines, but at 11 mine wouldn't have had a hope! Is he trying to be a cool dad?

Confusedbeetle · 05/03/2019 14:30

Talk to the mother about bedtime rules. If she has them, then so should you. Personally I would have bedtimes, and no screen time after 10. WiFi off. Tricky if mum doesnt do it

PooleySpooley · 05/03/2019 14:31

Your house you get a say in the rules.

Divgirl2 · 05/03/2019 14:32

My DP had an 11 yo (a very young 11 at that) and we have the opposite issue. His exDW imposes no bedtimes, allows unrestricted access to gaming, TV, whatever, regularly keeps him up on weekends to watch 18 horror films (he wet the bed for months after watching Child's Play with his mum when he was about 9), got him GTA5 for his Christmas. I could go on but won't because I'm the wicked step mother.

Best thing you can do is impose bedtimes and turn the WiFi off. My DP can be a bit of a Disney dad at times, but to his credit does enforce a (too late in my opinion) bedtime on his contact days.

Divgirl2 · 05/03/2019 14:33

DP HAS a 11 yo - my phone refuses to believe in anything but past tense. Blush

ILoveMaxiBondi · 05/03/2019 14:34

his reply is I want him to learn to put himself to bed to be I dependant, and I’m stopping that.

Really? He wants them to be independent? That’s great. So they do their own laundry, clean their own rooms and cook a meal each for the family? Because that’s what devekops independance. Not swanning off and leaving them to their own (literally) devices so he doesn’t have to row with them over bedtime. He is opting out of the tricky bits of parenting.

YA absolutely not UR! It’s not acceptable for anyone to keep a household awake until 2am due to shouting at a screen. Utterly ridiculous. He needs to either enforce a bedtime or enforce a curfew on the game playing.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/03/2019 14:35

It’s not teaching them to be independent it’s lazy parenting. Him and the child’s mother should both have the same bedtime and enforce it.

squeezysparklyballs · 05/03/2019 14:37

Just turn the WiFi off and go to bed.

Bonniegirlie · 05/03/2019 14:44

Your hubby might have a different attitude if it was keeping him awake too. I would make sure he was awake as long as I was, that might focus his attention if he is being disturbed, But turning the wifi off would be good

downcasteyes · 05/03/2019 14:45

YANBU!! It's not acceptable for kids of that age not to have boundaries, and bedtime is quite an important one.

Jaxhog · 05/03/2019 14:49

Your dh is confusing independence with zero parenting.

My thought too. I suspect it would be very different if he kept hubby awake too. Maybe you should try that?