Am I being unreasonable to a part time dad?

[Winkywoo]

So I chose not have kids, hubby has 2 boys, ones just turned 14 and the other Ian going to be 12 in July, however the 11 year old is more like 9 mentally.
my hubby has them fortnightly and weeks on leave times. We have always had issues with bed times and restrictions for them as they’ve got older.
It’s now at breaking point for me, I see my hubby at weekends and leave only, he allows his eldest to put himself to bed, only recently he’s started to tell the 11 year old to do the same. One ooh t he was still playing at 2am!
I collared the subject the next day as he keeps me awake talking online to whoever, he then wakes up and proceeds online from around 7-730am.
I went a bit mental and started to get annoyed as I’m laying there awake and can hear him talking and my hubby just goes straight to sleep. I’ve asked if we can stop and put him to bed turning the game off and his reply is I want him to learn to put himself to bed to be I dependant, and I’m stopping that.
I have said he’s not old enough yet, why would a child go to bed on his own accord! It’s ridiculous.

Someone please help it’s effectibg my relationship with my hubby! It makes me dread the weekends of kids! 😓😓

Yanbu. He wants his kids to self regulate. But they’re not. So it’s not working is it? I have a 13yr old and 11yr old. They have no screens in their rooms, and no phones after bedtime. What he is doing is setting them up for insomnia and possible gaming addiction. Even if you don’t buy into that, keeping anyone awake after they’ve gone to bed is bad mannered and selfish - so well done to your DP for encouraging that. He doesn’t care because he’s not affected. I’d either have a good talk and say this can’t carry on, or I’d ensure that if his kids keep me awake he will be awake too, and let him know that’s your plan. If it’s ok for you to be kept awake, it must also be ok for him to be kept awake.

You're coming at it from the wrong place. Your post is all about how it impacts you and tbh if the noise bothers you, you can wear earplugs.
The bigger issue is actually how its impacting the DCs. But I don't know how you can get your DH on board if he thinks being a Disney dad is actually encouraging independence.
When you're calm and the DCs aren't there, can you ask your DH how he thinks this is working out? And also get him to chat about how he was parented. Parents often have different parenting styles, you need to work out a compromise. But if his beliefs are deep-rooted and based on his own experiences then he's going to be resistant. That doesn't mean you should back down. I just mean you need to work out what his motivators are.

Your dh is confusing independence with zero parenting.

This. They are children. I would imagine very few boys of this age, particularly the ones that are dependent on electronics of whatever format, are going to 'self regulate' w.r.t. bedtime.

My eldest just turned 12, so same school year as your DSS. He would be up all night on his pc if he could, but we have rules in this house. Which we relax on Friday night (as long as he doesn't have an early night) and Saturday night. He still loses access to electronics at 9.30 latest on those nights though. And 8pm on a school night. Because he is 12.
It is BAD for them to have so much screen time/online time/awake time. As their parent it is up to your H to police it, however little time he spends with them. Its utterly irresponsible to do otherwise. And that's not even addressing the problems its causing for you. Its very very, very selfish of your H. He can't be arsed to put his children to bed basically. He should be going in. Saying goodnight. Removing all electronics. At a reasonable hour for both of them. They won't like it, but as their parent, its up to him to deal with it, not ignore them and ignore your needs to boot. Like sleep.

as long as he doesn't have an early match that should say. as in a football match on saturday morning.

Who is he talking to at 2 AM? I’d be worried about who - and more importantly what age - his gaming friends are.

Talk to the mother about bedtime rules. If she has them, then so should you.
This ^^. Consistency.

This is what happens when my kids go to their dad’s, then I’m left picking up the pieces in the week when they are too tired for school.
It’s really unfair on everybody.
Your husband needs to actually parent them, and be consistent with their mum.

It's your house, he should be respecting your rules. No way would I put up with that.

Your husband is nuts. He is trying make the cat guard the milk. Yes kids should be taught independence but that doesn't mean that they have free rein to do whatever. They are allowed independence within limits that would not harm them. Sleeping that late and waking up early to spend time on internet is not good for your DSS's health and definitely not safe. Tell him that yes he should be able to go to sleep whatever but no electronics are allowed at night time. He can read books, write a journal or just play board games with his brother.