DS and not wanting to upset ex GF

[StorybookWolves]

DS is 16 and has been going out with a girl who's only 14, for about 6 months. It's been quite innocent, partly due to her age and partly because DS is rather innocent himself. They only met up about once a week and it hasn't got much further than holding hands and texting type of thing, but I know DS liked her a lot and hoped it would continue.

The gf has had some mental health issues with anxiety and self harm, and in general seems a bit fragile. This plus the age difference made me think it might not last, and 2 weeks ago she ended it, saying it's all a bit much for her and she couldn't handle having a BF right now. DS was upset but also understands she is young and maybe it was for the best. They have agreed to be friends.

DS and ex gf attend a group activity every week where they play a sport (won't say what as outing) and then the group usually goes to a coffee place afterwards and socialise for an hour or two. DS has another friend who's a girl and he has said to me he would like to get to know her better. He wants to invite her to the sporting activity and then for coffee. This would be as friends, but DS does hope if it goes well that they might start going out in the future.

My question is, would it be unreasonable of DS to ask the potential new GF along to the activity where ex GF and he go?

Extra info so as not to drip feed:

• This was DS's first relationship
• He has been neglecting other friends to focus on ex GF and I have been encouraging him to see other people and try to make new friends
• He doesn't do much else socially as busy at college, this is the main thing he does during the week where he sees friends
• He doesn't want to ask the new female friend to do anything one on one as he thinks it's a bit soon, but would like to get to know her in a group situation
• I talked to ex GF's mum and ex GF is quite upset after the break up, but, it was her choice to end it, and I don't want DS to miss chances to make new friends while trying not to hurt ex GF.

Would DS BU to ask potential new GF to the sports activity?

OK, so when he asked me, what should I have said? "It's not appropriate for me to be involved, ask someone else?" "I don't know, bad luck, you'll have to work it out yourself?"

Seriously, I don't understand how other parents would have approached this?

I am the mother of an 18 year old boy (young man I guess). So it’s not that I’m sitting with a toddler unable to imagine what life with teenagers is like.

He might want to talk to you about relationships but it is definitely your job to help your 16 year old to learn to navigate romantic relationships without his mum’s help.

And I really don’t think there needs to be this much drama about it. Teenagers might want to imagine enormous drama here, but the best thing you can do for your son will be to calm that down, not act like this is An Enormous Deal (however much it might feel that way to him).

I’d have said that he shouldn’t overthink it and should just concentrate on doing his sport and seeing friends (if whatever sex). There is no need to make it more than that.

He asked specifically if I thought it would be ok to invite new friend to the activity. I said I wasn't sure and that I'd think about it. I thought about it and I still didn't know, so I posted here for advice (and got it, which is great). I'll tell Ds I don't think it's a good idea to ask New friend.

At what point was this creating drama? And how would it have helped to tell him not to overthink it? It seems to me dozens of people post every day on here asking about equally trivial things, but people don't usually tell them not to overthink it or to stop creating drama. They give them advice. And most people posting on MN are adults. Why is my 16 year old expected to have all the answers?

*OK, so when he asked me, what should I have said? "It's not appropriate for me to be involved, ask someone else?" "I don't know, bad luck, you'll have to work it out yourself?"

Seriously, I don't understand how other parents would have approached this?*

Well, if my 14 year old had asked me that, I would say that they knew the personalities involved best, so they'd have to make up their own mind what was the best thing to do. I'd probably remind them that ex was both much younger than him and more vulnerable than him, and that he needs to keep that in mind. I'm fairly sure my 14 year old has the insight and maturity to see, on his own, that this wouldn't be a good idea, and it has the potential to hurt the ex and to make things awkward at his sports club. Any conversation we had would be far more of a 2 way discussion with him making up his own mind, rather than him passing a problem to me and expecting me to give him an answer. And my child is 14.

I still don't understand why your DS can't either ask the new girl out 1:1 or as part of larger group of friends not from the sports club.

I have explained why those options don't work for him a couple of times mrsm, but I understand it's time consuming to read the whole thread.

I appreciate your advice, thank you. It was hard for me even to discuss it with him because I genuinely didn't know what I thought about it myself.

"I'd probably remind them that ex was both much younger than him and more vulnerable than him, and that he needs to keep that in mind."

This seems to me to be gently advising him not to do anything that might upset her, which is what I will do, but I didn't know if that was the right thing before I asked about it here.

I have explained why those options don't work for him a couple of times mrsm, but I understand it's time consuming to read the whole thread.

I have read the whole thread. You've said your son is not keen on 1:1 (although no real reason other than not wanting to lead her on - which makes no sense since he fancies her, and finding out whether or not you like each other enough to carry it on further is the complete point of meeting up for a 1:1 first date, and at 16 a completely age appropriate thing to do), but not said why he couldn't arrange an event, e.g. bowling or cinema, with a group of his other friends (those that don't go to this sports club) and invite this girl along. That is by far the most sensible option, and keeps it in a group setting for his comfort. (If I've missed your reply to this suggestion, I apologise, but I promise I have read the full thread.)

but I didn't know if that was the right thing before I asked about it here.

Can I just ask, do you have some social/communication issues yourself? Because I find it odd that an adult in their 30s?/40s? couldn't instantly see what to do in this situation. As I said, I'm pretty sure my 14 year old would have figured this out by themselves.

In any case, its not only about not hurting the ex, its also about not relying only on one social group/outlet, the possibility that your son could end up feeling awkward at the social club, the need for your son to spread his wings socially, and just being able to act in a socially age appropriate manner - i.e. to be able to ask out a girl he fancies for a coffee at age 16. If he doesn't crack these social skills at an age appropriate time it will make his dating/social life much harder as an adult.

Out of respect to his ex he should give it a bit of time before moving on. Break ups are part of relationships. Explaining to him that it's good to reflect and have a bit of breathing space to yourself. Hes still young he should be spending time with his mates. Also waiting will teach him about having that respect for women.

If that was your daughter how would you feel?

Why is my 16 year old expected to have all the answers?

He’s not. But he might figure them out himself rather than getting answers from you.

People post about all sorts of things but rarely about the minutiae of their teenagers’ love lives. Complete with total over investment about why he can’t do 1:1 dates and the exGF’s vulnerable state. He can totally figure things out himself in time.

There’s no reason why you can’t redirect his queries (as you’d have done at various points in his life). Telling him not to focus on girls and just get on with enjoying his activity is totally reasonable and appropriate.

No one would bat an eye if it was a 16 year old girl having theses discussions with their mum so why it it different if it is a boy?

Good for you op for having a relationship with your son where he feels secure enough to have these discussions with you.

As to whether he should take along this new girl to the activity I don’t see why not. She is not his girlfriend but a girl he is interested in getting to know and part of that will be introducing her to his existing friendship group and his interests. She might at a latter stage become his girlfriend or she could just remain a friend or even the girlfriend of someone else in the group. He can’t stop interatacting with girls as he doesn’t want to hurt the ex’s feelings nor would it be kind to exclude the ex so he can met up with the others in the group whilst he gets to know the new girl.

And, when people do post totally over invested in their 5 year old’s peer failings out at school, people definitely do tell them to step back and let them figure it out themselves.

These aren’t adult relationships. But even then, I’d someone posts about the minutiae of a friend or family member’s situation people are going to tell them to let them get on with it (or just assume it’s really the OP).

I’d bat an eye if a 16 year old girl’s mum was posting about her daughter’s love life on MN like this. I think most people would still tell her to step back and let her teenager figure it out.

It’s only been 2 weeks since the break up. You should be encouraging him to spend time with friends and getting used to feeling comfortable about being single.

Not a good idea to be one of those people who jump from one relationship to the next, especially at his age.

but not said why he couldn't arrange an event, e.g. bowling or cinema, with a group of his other friends (those that don't go to this sports club) and invite this girl along. That is by far the most sensible option, and keeps it in a group setting for his comfort. (If I've missed your reply to this suggestion, I apologise, but I promise I have read the full thread.)

I suggested that too. OP I think it’s lovely that your ds can talk to you about this. I also think he sounds lovely and considerate. I too have RTFT and still don’t understand why your ds and the new girl can’t do a separate group activity, away from the fragile ex and “their” hobby/sport.

Good for you op for having a relationship with your son where he feels secure enough to have these discussions with you.

Agreed.

I feel your pain
My Daughter is 15 and tells me everything and asks for advice.
I think its lovely that you also have such a close relationship with your son and that he can ask for your advice. He sounds like a lovely young fella been considerate about an ex that finished with him.

He should move on when he is ready but do keep it separate.
My daughters first bf and his new gf and my daughter are all in things together and it is very annoying for my daughter as they flirt away constantly in activity and snapping to each other they have got told off for it. The new girl has curly hair my girl has straight hair she came into class last night with hair straightened and same jacket as my girl she is trying to clone herself to my girl which is quite funny as she got the boy. He keeps ask my girl to walk home from school and to snap him but she blocked him and told him to go away. My daughter is with a new boy and much happier and she tells me everything. so there is nothing wrong with your son telling you how he feels.

I don’t really understand why you are trying to micromanage his love life at 16? I’m cringing so much just thinking about a 16 year old’s mother being so involved in what are probably short lived, fleeting relationships that go nowhere at that age. Let him have some fun and stay out of his love life.

There’s a stark difference between your son coming to you and feeling able to talk to you about these things and your massive over investment in it.

Thanks mrsm, I thought I'd explained but I understand it wasn't clear. Yes I do struggle with this kind of thing. But to be fair, some posters have replied saying they don't see the problem with DS inviting the new friend, so it's not clear to every adult either.

It's definitely not the case that DS fancies this girl and wants to ask her out but doesn't know how to. He does not want to start a new one to one relationship at the moment at all. That's why he doesn't want to ask her for a coffee or anything else that seems a bit date-like.

As to arranging another activity with different friends, that would be tricky as he doesn't have another group of friends outside the sport activity, just individual friends who don't hang out together as a group. So, for instance, he could ask a single friend who he goes sailing with, and this girl, if they want to do something, but that might be quite awkward. I can see it might be a problem that DS doesn't have other big groups of friends that he spends time with, but that's the situation at the moment so there's not much I can do about it. I have been encouraging him to branch out with friendships but he does find it hard to take the initiative. That was why I was pleased he wanted to ask this girl along, but I do understand it's not the best idea now.

I really do appreciate people's thoughts and suggestions. I'm still a bit bemused as to how I should 'back off', though... I didn't ask DS to involve me in this, but I do always try to support him when he comes to me for advice. I didn't interfere in his relationship up to now and I wouldn't want to. I feel comfortable with the amount of support he asks for and I have faith he will gain more confidence to make his own decisions as he gets older and gets more experience. He wasn't ready for a girlfriend before now, whereas I am sure lots of others his age have been dating for years. He may well be a bit of a slow starter but that doesn't mean I need to push him away, I don't think.

"Let him have some fun and stay out of his love life"

This is the kind of comment I don't understand? I've no interest in being involved in his love life except when he asks me to be. But when he does ask me, I'm not going to say, "ugh, cringe, don't involve me." And I don't get why asking MN for opinions is 'massive over investment', but I understand people have their own issues and like to get quite vocal on here. Thanks to those who have not felt the need to slate my parenting.

"She might at a latter stage become his girlfriend or she could just remain a friend or even the girlfriend of someone else in the group. He can’t stop interatacting with girls as he doesn’t want to hurt the ex’s feelings nor would it be kind to exclude the ex so he can met up with the others in the group whilst he gets to know the new girl."

Well, that was how I saw it, too, but I think given ex's vulnerability it's best to err on the side of caution. I'll suggest DS trusts his gut instinct on it (he was concerned about ex, which is why he asked me). I'm just still slightly worried that he'll end up tiptoeing around ex and not feeling free to pursue friendships or relationships that would be positive for him, but it's early days yet.

From what you've said, I think it might be a brilliant idea for your DS to set up a group event to go bowling , cinema etc. So invite the friend from sailing, the girl he likes and one or two other friends from various places - perhaps one or two from college and just one from the sports group. Why not? It seems it would be a really good idea for him to start to build a social circle that's not connected with this activity.

Oh do you think so? My own issues are affecting how I feel about that, because personally I can't imagine anything more awkward than bringing different friends together like that... but I'm aware I might be in a minority.

I agree about the social circle building. Thanks for the advice.

So, referring back to what other people have said about over investment and let him work it out for himself, would I be interfering if I suggested he do something like that? It seems the same level of involvement to me as the things some posters have been scathing about.

I would ignore all the posted telling you your doing something wrong. Finally a parent here who is doing something right! You sound like you have raised a lovely, thoughtful, kind son. You should be proud of him and you, a boy who talks to his parents unfortunately in this day and age is a minority, parents think that is normal, I don't! I think children who talk to their parents respect and value their opinions.
I also agree bringing friends from different groups together is totally awkward! Who even does that!
As I have read the full thread I do understand he has limited options regarding this new friend. I think maybe he could have a chat with his ex and see how she would feel about him bringing a new female friend to the activity, if she has no problem then great, if not then I also agree with a pp who suggested he looks at starting a new activity and asking new friend to join him?
Where did he meet the new friend?

I've rtft and particularly as a mum to two girls, one who is definitely into boys, I am grateful there is someone out there who can and will discuss these things with their son.

Most boys and many girls now, won't go to their mum or dad for advice, or discuss relationships at that sort of age, so you're lucky you have the chance to share with him.

I don't have an answer, I think your son will have to look at his options and decide what he would like to do. You can't see into the future and tell what course of action will cause a problem. Also, problems can be a great learning curve. If he gets it wrong, at least he came to you to talk his options over, first.

I dread the day my kids stop telling me things. I don't want or need the stress of being involved in every minutiae of their lives but I would love to feel trusted and loved enough for them to come to me when they need to talk.

Ignore people telling you that you’re over invested, you’re not, your DS ASKED what you thought he should do. You weren’t sure, so you asked here. It is not OBVIOUS or there wouldn’t be several different replies.

Obviously it would be easier if he felt able to invite her to go and do something together, on their own, it’s a shame he feels it’s too much like a date...I think he could word it so it’s not. Maybe say he would like to go ice skating/horse riding/running...but just wants to go with one friend rather than a big group and wondered if she fancied it? Make it about the activity rather than ‘a date’.

I get that he’s shy & careful, it’s really quite sweet, but to widen his social circle he’s going to need to be a bit brave.

Or if he really can’t bring himself to do that, then he should wait a few weeks before inviting this girl along.

I TOTALLY understand why you’re a bit annoyed that he was good to her, she broke up with him and he’s still putting her first and he’s not doing what he wants to do.. BUT she is only 14 and she is vulnerable. It’s just the right thing to do. Not forever, just for a few weeks.