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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS and not wanting to upset ex GF

76 replies

StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 09:13

DS is 16 and has been going out with a girl who's only 14, for about 6 months. It's been quite innocent, partly due to her age and partly because DS is rather innocent himself. They only met up about once a week and it hasn't got much further than holding hands and texting type of thing, but I know DS liked her a lot and hoped it would continue.

The gf has had some mental health issues with anxiety and self harm, and in general seems a bit fragile. This plus the age difference made me think it might not last, and 2 weeks ago she ended it, saying it's all a bit much for her and she couldn't handle having a BF right now. DS was upset but also understands she is young and maybe it was for the best. They have agreed to be friends.

DS and ex gf attend a group activity every week where they play a sport (won't say what as outing) and then the group usually goes to a coffee place afterwards and socialise for an hour or two. DS has another friend who's a girl and he has said to me he would like to get to know her better. He wants to invite her to the sporting activity and then for coffee. This would be as friends, but DS does hope if it goes well that they might start going out in the future.

My question is, would it be unreasonable of DS to ask the potential new GF along to the activity where ex GF and he go?

Extra info so as not to drip feed:

  • This was DS's first relationship
  • He has been neglecting other friends to focus on ex GF and I have been encouraging him to see other people and try to make new friends
  • He doesn't do much else socially as busy at college, this is the main thing he does during the week where he sees friends
  • He doesn't want to ask the new female friend to do anything one on one as he thinks it's a bit soon, but would like to get to know her in a group situation
  • I talked to ex GF's mum and ex GF is quite upset after the break up, but, it was her choice to end it, and I don't want DS to miss chances to make new friends while trying not to hurt ex GF.

Would DS BU to ask potential new GF to the sports activity?

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 05/03/2019 10:13

Goodness me, they're teenagers at a sports club, not a couple who have been going out for 40 years who are getting divorced! Wait a couple of weeks and then invite the new lass along.

IHateUncleJamie · 05/03/2019 10:18

Let him invite a few mates out and include the new girl, or just get to know her slowly. You don't move your new gf in on the old one's territory.

Yup. This. He’d be better suggesting a group trip to the cinema/bowling and dinner and getting to know the new friend that way. I don’t think it’s fair to invite her to join the current hobby.

Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 10:19

Oh dear, reading replies it does seem complicated and that people have different opinions. I wasn't sure at all, and it is tricky explaining the dynamic of the group to people who don't know them.

It seems like I should tell DS to at least wait a while, to be on the safe side, and possibly forget the whole idea.

I do worry ex might stop going - this might happen anyway which would be a shame. But I'm not going to suggest DS stops attending.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 05/03/2019 10:20

Of course he'd be flirting in. His own way, and spending time getting to know her. He's invited her because he fancies her and wants to see how things develop. Everyone would know that, including his ex..

Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 10:22

I do feel inviting the others without ex would be hurtful... She'd be bound to hear about it. I don't think that's the way to go. I'll encourage DS to think of some other way, but he definitely didn't want to see the new friend one to one - he doesn't want to start a new relationship yet even if ex was fine with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 10:24

"He's invited her because he fancies her"

If you knew DS you would laugh at the idea of him flirting. The ex's mum told me she was more worried about ex leading DS astray Grin

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 05/03/2019 10:25

It’s not complicated, really. He keeps the hobby/sports group the same and invites the new friend to a different group activity. Easier all round.

Fishwifecalling · 05/03/2019 10:26

It's the timing. It's just too soon.

Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 10:31

He doesn't go to any other group activities to invite new friend to, but I'm encouraging him to try some!

OP posts:
CoolJule43 · 05/03/2019 10:32

You say your DS and his ex are still friends so why doesn't he just talk to her about it?

He will need to tread carefully though as clearly she is very fragile if she self harms. This is a symptom of significant mental ill-health and I would probably be quite pleased she had split up with DS. She probably needs to concentrate on becoming well and he doesn't need these problems at such a young age.

saxatablesalt · 05/03/2019 10:32

You are waaaaaay too involved with your teenage son's love life!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/03/2019 10:34

Is he your only child? Reminds me of a friend of mine and her boy.

outpinked · 05/03/2019 10:37

He can do other things with the new girl, it doesn’t have to be this thing. It will cause drama and upset an already fragile young girl.

Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 10:45

No, not my only child. It's clear people think it's weird Ds talks to me about this but I'm glad he does!

Yes, I agree ex is fragile. I'm not glad from ds's point of view that they split up as I felt they were both a bit lost and seemed to have a sweet supportive relationship which boosted both of their confidence. But if it wasn't right for her then obviously it was the best thing for her to end it.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 05/03/2019 10:48

I think it would be stirring the pot to walk in with a new girl only two weeks after splitting up with the last one.

Can’t he just take the new one to Starbucks or the cinema? He’s not a small child any more. If he wants a proper girlfriend then he’s going to have to put a bit more effort in than just “You can sit there and watch me play tennis once a week” anyway.

Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 10:52

"If he wants a proper girlfriend then he’s going to have to put a bit more effort in than just “You can sit there and watch me play tennis once a week” anyway."

The new friend wouldn't be just watching! What a weird idea. They all take part together with a coach.

He doesn't want to take the other girl out on a date to Starbucks or the cinema, because he doesn't want to date her atm!

OP posts:
Tink2007 · 05/03/2019 11:04

You remind me of how involved my MIL tried to be in mine and my husbands relationship when we first started dating when I was was 16 and him 19. shudders

SaucyJack · 05/03/2019 11:10

Can’t they just go to Starbucks as friends? It’s 2019.

Look, you’re so busy being chippy that you’re missing the point. Does he have SEN? I can’t imagine why else you would think it normal that he expects to conduct all of his interactions with the opposite sex in this one single place at his age. He needs to broaden his horizons.

What if the new girl doesn’t even like tennis (or whatever it is) ?

Tink2007 · 05/03/2019 11:11

And out of curiosity why can’t friends of the opposite sex go to the cinema or Starbucks to get to know each other or just spend time with each other? That’s just an odd way to think.

ChuckleBuckles · 05/03/2019 11:23

Can he not join another sport or hobby? Just say to knew girl "I am thinking of trying xyz and don't fancy going on my own, fancy giving it a try as a one-off?" they then have something in common to try out separate from ex-gf.

I don't understand why ex-gf would have to be invited to the cinema or whatever group activity your son wants to go to, does he have other friends outside of his current sport, anyone from school to go in a group with?

I feel that too much pressure is being placed on your son to consider ex-gf feelings and MH, he is too young for that.

mrsm43s · 05/03/2019 11:29

Why can't he arrange for a group of friends (not ones from the sports group, but other friends, college friends, old school friends etc) to go bowling or to the cinema, and invite the new girl along.

Why would he want to invite potential girl along to his sports group? Yes, it would be rubbing ex's nose in it. It's also just weird for a sixteen year old's social life to focus totally around one sports club. How many exes does he want to end up with in one place?

Most 16 year olds have a social life outside of organised groups, and if he doesn't then that is what he should be concentrating on developing.

You sound waaaaay to over involved, and your child sounds well behind where you'd expect a 16 year old to be socially.

MsHopey · 05/03/2019 11:51

Also agree that new friend might not like the sport or hobby.
Also, I can imagine parents everywhere speaking of their innocent and naive 16 year olds who just want lots of friends who are girls. It just seems so odd to read when I remember what everyone was up to when I was 16! (Not me though, I was a good girl.)

Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 11:52

He's not 19, Tink, he's 16, and this is his first girlfriend. He came and asked me what I thought - should I have said at that point, "I'm not interested, work it out yourself"? I think people's reactions are biased against boys, tbh. If I'd said it was my 16 year old DD would people have said "that's weird, why are you involved?" I'm involved because he's my son, I love him, he doesn't have a clue what he's doing and he asked me to help. If people think that's odd then so be it, but that's how it is.

"your child sounds well behind where you'd expect a 16 year old to be socially."

Yes, he probably is. But he's doing his best. Not all 16 year olds are socially adept. He doesn't have a diagnosed SEN. This doesn't change the fact he is, as I've said, a bit innocent, unsure and shy. Those things aren't crimes and not every 16 year old boy feels confident negotiating relationships. I'm glad he asked my advice, because he was planning to go ahead and ask the other girl, and you've mostly said that would be wrong. So I'd say it's just as well he did ask me?

"What if the new girl doesn’t even like tennis (or whatever it is) ?"

She does like the sport, otherwise he wouldn't be considering inviting her. He's not as useless as all that!

"Can’t they just go to Starbucks as friends? It’s 2019."

He feels that might be open to misinterpretation (and I have to say I agree). He doesn't want to lead the other girl on if she is interested in him. He says he doesn't know if she is or not, and from experience he can't pick up on whether she is or not! He just wants to keep it friendly for now and avoid awkwardness.

OP posts:
Original poster
StorybookWolves · 05/03/2019 11:58

"Can he not join another sport or hobby? Just say to knew girl "I am thinking of trying xyz and don't fancy going on my own, fancy giving it a try as a one-off?" they then have something in common to try out separate from ex-gf."

This is a good idea, thanks, if he can find something that he and new friend are genuinely both interested in. His current sport seemed ideal as new friend has played in the past (she's new to the area but used to play where she lived before). But I can see it causes difficulty to bring her along.

"I feel that too much pressure is being placed on your son to consider ex-gf feelings and MH, he is too young for that."

It's funny that some posters think this, while others think he is too old to ask his mum for advice on anything.
He did want to consider ex's MH, he is used to considering her feelings and trying not to spark off unnecessary anxiety for her (as a kind friend would), but I wasn't sure whether this was a situation whether he should go on considering her or not. I see the majority view is that it is, which is fair enough. I did genuinely want to know if it was unreasonable, because I couldn't be objective about it.

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 05/03/2019 12:04

Its not that anyone thinks it’s weird that your DS talks to you. It’s the level of investment you have in his relationships.

He’s 16. He’s had his first girlfriend and you are posting on MN for advice about how the pair of you should approach the situation.

Honestly, you are heading towards bring That MIL. Is that what you want?