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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for a reasonable explanation

69 replies

notsosunnyhols · 05/03/2019 09:12

Why would dh need to contact his female boss while on a family holiday then delete all the messages (but forget to delete the actual conversation)? I wasn't snooping - I went to whatsapp a photo to myself

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ZenNudist · 05/03/2019 16:52

Could be anything. How does he usually speak about her (mentionitis?) Is he trustworthy.

bobstersmum · 05/03/2019 16:54

Could possibly be she's messaged him to say something inappropriate (if she is interested in him), and he's ignored her and deleted it so you don't get mad?

Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 05/03/2019 17:02

@GreatDuckCookery I think he is too close to her but doesn't think he is. He has a low opinion of me and thinks I'll be annoyed about certain things when I'm actually not, so I often catch him telling white lies about things, especially involving the DC. For example, I would ask if the dc has had their medicine/lunch/snack and I'll get snapped at that yes of course they have, then catch him sneakily doing said thing five minutes later, where a better response would be " no not yet but I'll do it now/soon"

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moosesormeece · 05/03/2019 17:03

I have been known to text my boss while on holiday (or rather he texts me and I have to bloody reply or whatever it is will escalate from molehill to mountain in my absence) but on my work phone and always about uninteresting work stuff, so it wouldn't occur to me to delete anything.

(In fact I don't think I've deleted a message since my old 3310 that would only let you store about 10 texts at a time!)

At a stretch if it was a stressful work conversation I suppose he might have deleted it all in a "get work stress away from my nice relaxing holiday" sort of way - does that sound like something he might do?

Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 05/03/2019 17:03

@ZenNudist high mentionitis

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Limensoda · 05/03/2019 17:10

Sounds like he's scared of your reaction to things. Look at how you are with him first rather than assume he's up to something. You may say you wouldn't be annoyed about things when he thinks you would but he feels differently.
It's not a very good relationship if you can't speak to him about your concerns and he can't be honest with you about even little things.

Movingtoplanetclanger · 05/03/2019 17:11

Hmmm it sounds bad from what you've said. But if you're not going to ask him how are you going to find out?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2019 17:25

Hmm. It does sound dodgy if he’s mentioning her a lot. I would ask him why he’s deleted the messages personally.

Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 05/03/2019 17:33

I've asked him, have you heard any more about "that thing you were dealing with" before you went off and he's said that no, he hasn't heard a thing from work

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Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 05/03/2019 17:35

@Limensoda any idea how I could go about this though? I have on many many occasions said that I am quite chilled and won't mind if he hasn't done the thing, I'm just asking so that I know whether it still needs done or not, and that I would rather just have an answer to a question rather than being snapped at, as I am merely asking, not nagging. I have done this to the point that I am actually walking on egg shells when I have to ask anything

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Limensoda · 05/03/2019 17:55

@notsosunnyhols

Sounds like an issue he has then, as he can't just admit he has or has not done something, unless there are other people who also react like that to you?

Is he over sensitive to criticism, or sees criticism where there is none with other people too?
Sometimes, it can be how you ask a question? But you already said you tread on eggshells so I guess you aren't aggressive when you do.
If you're sure it's not your approach then you need to talk to him about the way he reacts and tell him it bothers you.

Motoko · 05/03/2019 20:49

So, he's pretending he's not heard anything from work, which you know is a lie, and if his convo with his boss was about work, he'd say yes, surely? So that makes it suspicious.

As does the mentionitis.

And you're walking on eggshells.

Not good. Your relationship is in trouble, but you won't be able to fix it, because he'll deny everything, and turn it back onto you.

Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 05/03/2019 21:32

@Motoko yep, I've tried for years to be very careful how I word things so it doesn't start an argument. I think we are just on completely different wavelengths, so constant misunderstandings, but avoidable nonetheless

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wineandroses1 · 05/03/2019 21:51

Spending years having to be careful how you word things when talking to your husband is a grim way to live Sad

SlangBack · 05/03/2019 21:54

It does not sound entirely innocent.

flingingmelon · 05/03/2019 22:06

Is there any possibility that he's deleted it so she won't see a message?"

Maybe sent something unsuitable to her instead of a mate - or said something work related that he's immediately realised isn't a good idea, then when deleting the message before she's read it - deleted the whole thread in error?

That's absolutely something I've done - thought I was sending a flirty message to DH and realised it went to a colleague with the same name. I'd had a few, I admit.

It could be totally innocent.

ferntwist · 05/03/2019 22:07

He sounds like a total pain. Would you be devastated if he was involved with her, or interested in being involved?

Motoko · 06/03/2019 01:35

What's the point in continuing a relationship that's like that?

Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 06/03/2019 12:48

@wineandroses1 I agree, though there are lots of good things too

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Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 07/03/2019 07:01

Update: there's another deleted convo from last night - also he will know I have been in his whatsapp as I told him I whatsapped pictures to myself

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/03/2019 07:06

He’s up to something then.

Skittlesss · 07/03/2019 07:36

Did he say who he was texting when he was on his phone?

ferntwist · 07/03/2019 21:55

It doesn’t sound good OP. Have you confronted him yet or are you biding your time?

ZenNudist · 08/03/2019 05:39

Is he jumpy and protective of his phone? He knows youve been on his WhatsApp and doesn't mind. Start to worry when he changes his password.

Original poster
notsosunnyhols · 08/03/2019 07:59

Yes he can be over protective of his phone, but I put that down to his paranoia that I will nag at him for something (presumably being on his phone?)

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