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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and a shit friend, or is she BU and a shit friend?

58 replies

Februaryblooms · 04/03/2019 22:39

I've got a friend I don't see in RL due to us now living a long way apart, but we do chat often on Facebook.

The problem is she's extremely high volume with contact. I care about her of course, but she's very needy.

she spends alot of the time we talk moaning about others or complaining about how tired she is (we are both pregnant, I'm 33 weeks and she is 8) and whilst I obviously can obviously empathise I don't want to be chatting about it every day listening to a rundown of what she's had for eat today or partaking in "bitching" sessions about people who have done me no wrong.

I've been hugely supportive toward her for the past 18 months as she's been TTC and battling some insecurity issues regarding her partners ex, which she does tell me she appreciates so it's not as though I haven't been a good friend and counselled her to the detriment of my own free time, constantly.

I do find the volume of contact suffocating as I'm an introvert who enjoys peace and don't like being at people's beck and call with my phone pinging all day every day.

I did put my feelings secondary to her desire to chat daily which was my first mistake as now i feel as though it's now expected of me.

I've decided to put my self first (for once - a rarity for me) and stop responding straight away sometimes leaving a day or so between replies and not opening the messages as soon as they arrive, I've told her previously that sometimes I like to enjoy my own peace and quiet and stay off my phone to enjoy family time so it's not as though she'd be inclined to assume I'm being off with her personally.

Shortly after me implementing the change she has started posting quotes about "so called friends" acting differently and changing when something new is coming (I presume she's referring to unborn DD who's almost due) then some catty memes about cutting people off when they start acting differently which I assume are directed towards myself due to the timing.

Am I being unreasonable or paranoid to think she's acting like a bit of a tit?

I've spent 18 months being there for her and listening to her every thought, rant, concern, headache, insecurity issues, jealousy, struggles of being a step mum, when her partner gets on her nerves.

Not once have I ever offloaded anything or my own onto her, not that there hasn't been alot of crap going on behind the scenes on my end.

Surely I'm entitled to unwind and relax a bit in the last stretch of my own pregnancy or does slowing down the volume of contact make me a shit friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 05/03/2019 00:11

The thing is I don't bode well with confrontation and the idea of actually telling her she's doing my head in (in the nicest possible way) makes me anxious.

We're opposite personalities, she's loud and outspoken whereas I'm a bit of a wall flower.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 05/03/2019 01:00

Alternatively, you are stable and she's batshit.
It depends on a person's perspective and she is clearly hard work.

Placebogirl · 05/03/2019 03:49

I'm not sure whether this is helpful or not but: you don't like confrontation, but you also don't seem to like the fall out from not dealing with the situation head on (the PA behaviour). I'm not a big fan of confrontation either, but I don't think boundary setting needs to be confrontational (and is also better done before you are at breaking point, as you obviously are): "hey , I'm finding our chats really draining. I need a bit more time to myself these days, so won't be around so much, just wanted to let you know" + log off and let her deal with the emotional fallout.

I'm sort of imagining this thread if she told it--"I was in contact with my friend regularly, and she has slowed contact without saying why. I'm in the early stages of pregnancy and frightened and a bit down...AIBU to think she's being unkind?". The responses would be quite different. I KNOW that isn't the situation from your perspective, but it might well be from hers. Neither one of you has an absolute lock on the truth, and I agree she's handling this dickishly, but that doesn't stop you being the bigger person if you so choose.

expat101 · 05/03/2019 04:17

I think when friends move further away, its easier to offload and vent about things that are familiar but maybe wouldn't have been said if they were still in the local circle.

I have issues with a couple of local people, but I learnt (now) not to open my mouth to other local friends because those I'm venting to, don't have the same opinion/experience as I have had or are mutual friends.

I think you are right in wanting to give only so much, but I think you should explain to the friend when she messages you, you are not always immediately available to comment but will get back to her.

Then give her a bit of time to vent away, suggest solutions to help her solve the dilemma and then move onto other subjects that are of interest to you both. She might have a bit of cabin fever and needing some outside interests to follow up with.

Coyoacan · 05/03/2019 05:04

I have a friend who was depressed for five years and like that. She would get in touch first thing in the morning and by the time I'd finished chatting to her I would be down for the rest of the day. I had to put boundaries in place in the end, which she respects but to this day I don't think she has understood.

Monty27 · 05/03/2019 05:42

People like that suck the very soul from you.
Get rid. In a nice way. But omg just look after yourself.
And best wishes and congratulations Flowers

Walklikeanegyptian1234 · 05/03/2019 05:42

I had a friend like this... it became so intense, and I was then made to feel guilty if I wasn’t able to spend all evening on the phone to her (everyday!). One day after years of it I’d finally had enough and it erupted into a big argument- she never could see my point of view and we haven’t spoken now for nearly 6 years. It’s a shame as she had many lovely qualities, but it was just too much

Mysterycat23 · 05/03/2019 05:48

She's not a friend OP. A friendship is mutually beneficial. This is a one way street of you pandering to her every whim.

She is using you. She might never be able to admit that to you or herself but it's the truth. You can safely bin her off without a second thought. Yes she will bad mouth you to everyone she can. But anyone who knows you will know you're not like that. You have to have faith that you are a good person and that there are other people in your life who do genuinely value you. Don't waste another second worrying about her.

Isleepinahedgefund · 05/03/2019 06:27

I'd cut her loose too. I had a "friend" like this, and when I withdrew like you have she also started up with the "this isn't what real friends do" shit. I took that as a cue to run for the hills! She's found someone else's ear to bend now.

Emotional vampire is about right.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 05/03/2019 06:34

Hmm... I don't know. While I agree she sounds like hard work you're the one that changed the goalposts of the friendship without warning... I think YAB a little bit U. She probably feels ditched and hurt.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 05/03/2019 06:37

Also I do feel 'introversion' is often used as a bit of an excuse for rude behaviour. It's fine if you want to talk less but the nice thing to do would be to tell her you're planning to cut down your social media use so while you still want to stay in touch you might not be seeing her messages straight away as you have previously.

AJPTaylor · 05/03/2019 06:38

I have only ever blocked one person. V similar circs. She started with the barbed comments on fb so I blocked her.

strawberrisc · 05/03/2019 06:46

People who post cryptic “quotes” (usually spelled incorrectly) are the most ridiculously childish human beings ever. Either say it out loud to the person you have a problem with or fuck off and deal with it.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 05/03/2019 06:53

Either say it out loud to the person you have a problem with or fuck off and deal with it.

... This is kind of what the OP should've done though, no?

strawberrisc · 05/03/2019 06:56

Not really. In the spirit of AIBU she’s posting anonymously for advice.

People who post messages aimed at “friends” in a forum where they will see them, such as Facebook are mingelords.

Petalflowers · 05/03/2019 07:03

She sounds over bearing. I hate passive aggressive comments in Facebook feeds.

Maybe a gentle text reminding her that with baby imminent, you will be busy And will be off radar for a while.

Then carry on ignoring text.

0nTheEdge · 05/03/2019 07:11

I had something similar once, except I'm pretty outgoing, love talking to people, etc. A new friend went through a hard time and went from a chat every couple of weeks to multiple times a day. I found it hard to say no as knew how much I was helping her and she was genuinely nice but just sucking me dry of energy and time. I sobbed about it. I was also going through an awful time and I'm the end had to step back from the friendship, ignore some calls, limit contact. She made a couple of comments about it but then adjusted to the change, found someone else to call constantly, and it actually saved our friendship.
Just wanted to reassure you that that level of harassment isn't maintainable for anyone, introvert or not (although I imagine it must make it even more overwhelming).
Time to focus on yourself, whether the friendship survives or not depends on whether or not she can respect your time and boundaries. If it doesn't make it, it sounds like it's no great loss as things stand.

MandyFl0ss · 05/03/2019 07:23

I have experienced something very similar with a 'friend' at work. This situation will never improve or bring you anything positive. End it now and focus on yourself and your family. She's using you.

QueenoftheFarts · 05/03/2019 07:25

She's a twat. Unfriend and block and feel your life flood with relief.

EssentialHummus · 05/03/2019 07:50

Much lower contact. You're busy, you have a toddler, it's really not for you to be on the receiving end of her misery all day every day if it's never reciprocated.

LegitimateShite · 05/03/2019 07:51

I had a friend very much like this - kept in touch over FB and with phone calls due to distance. I helped her through a really hard time; daily long calls, always being available to answer a message etc. It was what she needed, and I was happy to be there for her! Unfortunately, once the crisis had passed (months later), she still expected me to be there for her to moan at about her ex’s partner, to counsel her for HOURS through every little thing that happened in her life (regardless of how tiny it was or what I’d got going on at the time). Boundaries were pushed; I’d respond to a message saying that I was busy and couldn’t talk on the phone, only to have her call anyway...and then refuse to acknowledge my polite attempts to end the call until I made up a reason that I had to go out.

I know she wasn’t doing this deliberately, and possibly had no idea of what she was doing, so I don’t hold it against her. I did have to gradually reduce contact though, unfollowed her on social media (she doesn’t know this), took longer to answer messages, wasn’t available to talk on the phone. She was emotionally exhausting and I just couldn’t cope with the demands! We’re still friends, and still keep in touch, but it’s WAY less intense now.

You’re not doing anything wrong. (Her passive aggressive vaguebooking is a dick move, though!)

TheMaddHugger · 05/03/2019 08:09

an article for her to read. tho she probably wont think she is one

markmanson.net/are-you-an-emotional-vampire

Bubba1234 · 05/03/2019 08:10

Just block her.

BreastSideStory · 05/03/2019 08:22

I had a friend like this. It got to the point where if my phone beeped or rang I would be filled with dread knowing it was her. I knew then that I had to cut her off.
I sent her a message saying I had to distance myself and was finding all the pressure of the friendship extremely stressful... I had a newborn at the time so my tolerance for drama had reached zero.

She stalked me. Literally stalked me for the best part of 6 months... constant new Facebook accounts, pay as you go SIM cards... she even went as far to find an item I was selling on eBay and sent me a buyers message.

It resulted in me pursuing a harassment order and she’s since stopped.
Luckily I haven’t heard anything for the best part of 4 years but I’m so glad I made the decision to cut her out of my life, I’ve been much happier since

sushisuperstar · 05/03/2019 08:26

I tend to attract people like this, I distance myself immediately. I've enough of my own shit to deal with (that is never lump on someone else). She's really just a user op.

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