To wish I could pick the kids up from school?

[whataboutgrey]

I never can (work) or attend assemblies or school plays or those days when parents are invited in.

It does make me feel bad and as if they are missing out.

This is also one of the reasons I gave up work. My DC's primary schools did a lot of activities where parents are involved. I found that my mum was doing all the things with Ds that I had imagined doing when I was pregnant and it made me feel like I was missing out on key parts of his childhood.
I'm not sorry I say, but at the same time I feel uncomfortable about having given up a career and all the benefits that come with it. Mother's can't win really - whatever we do it isn't 100% right.

Lone parent, no family support, full time teacher....my children have only had me at plays when they have happened out of school hours. I always go then so at least they know there is no resistance on my part to attending but they also know that either I work or they don't have what they have.

I reduced my hours when my first son started school. He goes to a childminder two days a week but for the other three days I get to take him and collect him and it is lovely. It’s even the simple things of helping him choose his reading books that make the drop in pay worthwhile. I’m lucky that I’m in a job where it can be easy to swap shifts so if he has any assemblies, school plays, award ceremonies on days I’m rostered to work then I can more often than not change my shift to attend.

My husband works full time and I know he hates it that he can’t do any drop-offs or pick ups. He misses a lot of things and when he missed our son’s first nativity play it really got him down.

It’s really shitty for FT working parents

I work FT
I am sad that as a society we have totally devalued the role of family.
We can’t take our kids out of school for holidays when we are able to get time off so the summer is the heady mix of paying out for holidays clubs and not seeing kids.
We are allenxpected to work basically FT otherwise take a step down career ladder
It is anticipated that there is a balance, but that we’re just the one not getting it
Modern life is extortionate, staying at home is generally a massive luxury, or sacrifice I’m not sure is worth it (when you can’t pay for accommodation or food for your family as a result- previously you were well paid)

I do all drop offs, pick ups and events..... but I pay a price.... I'm in shitty part time, 'low-ranking' jobs. I earn less than I did aged 22 and we are broke. We don't have a car or holidays etc . (and I'm a widow so no second family income).

I don’t think I’m invited into school during the day more than three times a year - the Xmas play, the summer show and sports day. What are people needing to be in school for?

@Believability

List seems endless at the infant school here.

Arrive at 2.30 for a view of artwork or to read a book with your child or subject workshop, open mornings etc. Child expect to see the parent as others are there. There are always one or two crying due to this.

Or the 9.10am ones (wait for 15 mins in a cold queue outside) plays shows or more subject workshops. Type where you will work with your child so the child without a parent there knows about it

What astonishes me is how many parents are free to hang around the playground after school and attend all events. I now work 3 days, but until I had DS I always worked Monday to Friday, 9-5 (longer in reality, of course). I basically thought everyone was in the same boat, but the reality seems to be more like my 1980s childhood, where most children have a parent at home.

Believability

When my children were at school, there was the Friday afternoon assembly for parents,
Reading Time on a Monday Morning
Sportsday
Christmas Carols
Christingle
Christmas Play
Summer Play
Summer Fayre
PTA Lunches
Autumn Fayre
Christmas Fayre
Parents Evenings (3.00pm - 5.00pm)
The list was endless, but in our village back in the 90's it was unusual for a Mum to be at work full time, so the ones that were, missed ALOT and their children felt left out I suppose, but it was a small school and the other parents would read to them and join in their success at assemblies etc.

I feel very very sorry for parents that have to go to work full time and miss out on all of these things, but times are hard for most and it is the norm nowadays so I suspect that children don't notice as they did back then.

Could you take half a day leave for. the special assemblies. I know it eats into your holiday allowance if you don't have a lot to begin with. There's no easy answers though.

We have "go and read with your child" today for world book day (week!).

Its a regular stream of special a assemblies ( I missed a special certificate - can only be done on a friday apparently)

The few things Ive missed the kids have been upset, and when Ive helped the kids without a parent do miss out. But in the grand scheme of things they get over it, and long term the family has financial freedom.

Also must be area dependent. When i was in london lots of families were commuting so presumably schools ran less in school time or its more normal not to have family there. Here if you cant make it, nan,gran,aunt,neighbour would!

The alternative, though, is something like the Danish (& Swedish? & Norwegian?) system of life taking precedence, but the corollary is 60% tax.

One of the biggest differences in Denmark is that dads are equally likely to be dropping/picking kids up, making it more viable for both parents to work. Its frowned on for dads NOT to do their equal share (complete opposite of the UK).

Do any of you have partners who do pick ups regularly or who have tried to change jobs/restructure hours etc so they could?

The perfect family friendly but amazing career just doesn't exist

But you can get quite close......I'm a university academic. I work full time but pick up/drop off twice a week and have not missed a single school event yet. It helps that DH has similar flexibility.

I do think that so much of primary education is geared towards one parent always being available. Events notifications seem to be so last minute that it makes planning quite difficult at times.

Do any of you have partners who do pick ups regularly or who have tried to change jobs/restructure hours etc so they could?

Yes. My DH has just started a new job and he made it clear from the outset which days he is responsible for drop off/pick up. He did this in his previous job too. Thankfully he works for an organisation which realises you can still be an effective employee and a parent!

My dh's family are Danish. It isn't totally perfect there either. They seem to have no concept that one of the parents might want to sah and not put their kids in nursery. There is definitely an attitude amongst his family that you are lazy or not meeting your social obligations if you don't return to work full time. I find it a bit restrictive there, although it is probably better for women on the whole, since childcare is more evenly split.

given that children typically have two parents, I'd say most of them can't make school events.

@dameofdilemma yes, that’s something I’ve noticed too. My husband is Danish, been over here 12 years. He is still surprised by the idea that employers feel its ok to ask employees to do extra work for free, or stay late, and the culture at work that if you stay late you’re working harder. He says in Denmark, people would think it very odd if you didn’t leave work on time to begin your family time. The structures are in place to make chid rearing a much more equal task. Maternity/paternity leave is 12 months full pay, which can be split between parents however they see fit. Both could have 6 months concurrently if they wanted.

@SpiritedLondon

I would have to ring their childcare providers and grandparents and look on the school menu to know what they'd eaten, so you are not alone.

When my children were at school, there was the Friday afternoon assembly for parents,
Reading Time on a Monday Morning
Teachers and TA's do this

Sportsday
Yes but whole school is done on 1 day so if you have more than 1 child it's only a day

Christmas Carols
NO

Christingle
I don't know what this is

Christmas Play
Yes

Summer Play
yes

Summer Fayre
On a saturday

PTA Lunches
I avoid anything to do with the PTA, I have no idea if they do things during the day or not, I suspect not

Autumn Fayre
Don't have one

Christmas Fayre
Don't have one

Parents Evenings (3.00pm - 5.00pm)
They are either 4-6 or 6-8 so I book myself an evening appointment

cheese rolls

Arrive at 2.30 for a view of artwork or to read a book with your child or subject workshop, open mornings etc. Child expect to see the parent as others are there. There are always one or two crying due to this.

Nope, never had anything like this.

Or the 9.10am ones (wait for 15 mins in a cold queue outside) plays shows or more subject workshops. Type where you will work with your child so the child without a parent there knows about it

Nope have never had this either.

Anything that parents need to know, such as curriculum meetings are always in the evening and there are often a good few who can't attend and just get sent everything by email.

I think I must be lucky. We also have onsite breakfast and after school clubs and general clubs plus some school coaches which the older children can use so there are all manner of different dropping off and picking up arrangements plus we drop and go, we don't go into the playground in the mornings at all, even from reception so there are never some kids with parents around and some not.

I am moving to Denmark - life sounds far better even with the 60% tax - I would happily pay that if it gave us a far better quality of family life together

I think that schools are still stuck in the mindset that there is always a parent at home, or one working around school hours. Or at least DD's is.

Try the Netherlands pessimist. Family life takes precedence here too but the top tax rate is only 51.75%.

Is this another journo too lazy to do proper research?

@alwaysthepessimist wages are higher in Denmark too, so the tax doesn’t exactly leave anyone destitute. There was a point that my DH was working for a Danish firm, paying tax and living in U.K. we were loaded then! Also, in my opinion, the services you get for your tax contribution in DK is totally worth it.

The tax on alcohol and cars, though, is huge.

The only reason i don’t live there is because the language is ridiculous to learn. I just can’t make some of the sounds.