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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting 16yos decide if they attend a wedding or not

66 replies

lyralalala · 04/03/2019 18:54

What age would you let your kids decide if they wanted to attend a wedding?

My 16yo twin DDs have decided they don't want to attend a weddding on their father's side. They were previously close to the bride, but haven't really seen her much.

There was an issue in that she asked DD1 to be a bridesmaid, but told DD2, who is narcoleptic, that she didn't want to stress her out (DD2 has been a BM several times and it's never been an issue) so they wanted her to attend just as a guest.

DD1 has taken huge offence on her sister's behalf and declined being a BM. After more to-in and fro-ing (including one amusing text in which I was told I was allowing them to be selfish brats) they have decided they don't want to go at all.

Their grandparents, who I usually get on very, very well with (they have a much better/closer relationship with the girls than their father does, see the girls weekly and take the on holiday each year) have asked me to intervene and tell them that family weddings are just one of those things and they must go.

However, I'm inclined to think that 16 is old enough to decide for themselves.

OP posts:

pallisers · 04/03/2019 22:41

I don't know. I think I would ask them to think of their grandparents before refusing to go. They sound like lovely supportive grandparents and would like their granddaughters to be there. Isn't that enough of a reason to go?

I would re-frame this invitation to your daughters as "look forget the cousin. i'm delighted you stood together on the bm invitation but your grandparents who we all agree are lovely and love you, really want you to be there. Could you do it for them?"

If they ultimately decide no - well you can't change that.

HeckyPeck · 04/03/2019 22:45

Same here.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/03/2019 22:57

TBH who stomps around and tries to pressure two girls to attend an event they said no to? Why would she even want them there against their will?

fargo123 · 05/03/2019 05:53

It was the bride kicking off to the Grandparents that sparked any agro, and it was also her decision to text me to tell me I was allowing them to be spoilt brats.

Okay, at that point I would've very bluntly been setting the bride straight on a few things and telling her never to contact me or my children again.

Your daughters sound like lovely young women, and I would support them all the way in not attending the wedding of their spoilt brat cousin.

Butterymuffin · 05/03/2019 09:18

If the girls and their grandparents are genuinely close, this in itself won't spoil that unless the grandparents choose to let it. I would speak to the grandparents, and say that the girls love them but can't oblige them on this occasion. You have accepted and are supporting their decision. It would be wise for the grandparents to be similarly mature and do the same. It ought to be possible for family members to disagree on things but still love each other and have a good relationship (unless you're cousin bridezilla..)

Gth1234 · 05/03/2019 09:23

Supernature, isn't it. Me against my brother (sister in this case). My and my sister against our relatives. My village against the next village.

Try and persuade them both to go as guests. There might be some boys there?

Alsohuman · 05/03/2019 12:24

There might be some boys there? I despair.

Original poster

lyralalala · 05/03/2019 12:38

Thanks everyone. They’ve thought it through and they will speak to their GP’s again, but they’re not going.

I’m proud of how they e handled it tbh. The difference in what they both said to me last night about how strongly they feel compared to the well mannered and polite way they’ve spoken to their cousin and grandparents made me very proud of them.

I’m actually pleased they haven’t bent against the pressure. I’m quite a people pleaser/walkover at times, especially when I was younger, and I’m glad they’re not. They’ve been really mature.

Try and persuade them both to go as guests. There might be some boys there?

Really? That’s what I should teach them? “I know your cousin insulted you, but there might be boys there?”

Sad thing is they both love weddings and family parties. So they were looking forward to it. They wouldn’t have needed bribery had it not gone the way it has.

OP posts:

SpiritedLondon · 05/03/2019 13:01

Sometimes GPs are so overly invested in everyone having a lovely time and getting on they’re prepared to overlook pretty bad behaviour from other family members just to keep the peace. The point at which I would have had no issue with them withdrawing would be the text calling them brats. The irony of a grown woman accusing a 16 year old child of being a brat because she wasn’t getting her own way. Classic.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 13:24

I despair that some posters are saying it’s just one of those things that they have to suck it up and go 🙇🏻‍♀️

I’m glad your 16 year old girls have more idea of their self worth than some supposedly adults posting.

Well done them. Especially being so polite about it, all considered.

Well done you for raising two lovely girls 🌷

It’s a shame they’re missing out on a family celebration that they would otherwise have enjoyed, but there will be others.

Are there any family members, other than the grandparents, they could talk to, to explain why they’re not going before bridezilla’s view is the only one that gets heard?! I’d be a bit worried about the wider family being off with them if her view is the only one they hear.

WinnieFosterTether · 05/03/2019 14:58

I'm not sure it's about not bending to pressure. Most sixteen-year-olds would rather opt out of family weddings if given the choice. Personally, I think being part of a family and growing up is attending events for other people. I'm not sure where your DDs are on that lesson.
What would have happened if the cousin had said she made her choice because she liked DD1 better? What reason wouldn't have offended? It strikes me that to avoid being that blunt she may have opted for making it about DD2 being easily tired.

Original poster

lyralalala · 05/03/2019 15:09

As I've said though, they enjoy weddings. They like getting together with family and they were looking forward to it. They also do know there are some things you do for other people, but they also know they are entitled to an opinion of their own as well. They have a good balance.

What would have happened if the cousin had said she made her choice because she liked DD1 better? What reason wouldn't have offended? It strikes me that to avoid being that blunt she may have opted for making it about DD2 being easily tired.

If she had been closer to DD1 then there wouldn't have been an issue. They've both been bridesmaids individually for people they are each closer too. They're not joined at the hip. However, in this case it's not the case that the cousin is closer to DD1. If anything she knows DD2 better as DD2 done the Sunday afternoons at their Gran's longer/more regular than DD1 as she didn't/doesn't have the same freedom in her social life until her narcolepsy was better controlled in the last couple of years. The bride has been very clear that had DD2 not had narcolepsy she would have asked her too, there's no hiding any bluntness in this.

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Original poster

lyralalala · 05/03/2019 15:11

The bride has been very open, and loud, about her choice and her reasons so everyone knows why.

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CaseofEllen · 05/03/2019 15:22

Good for your DDs! They sound like they've put together a rational argument for why they don't want to go and they're old enough to decide for themselves IMO.

PurplePattern · 05/03/2019 17:21

Well done to your DDs. You have tried everything you can, but they are old enough to make their minds up about something like this. And especially as girls to stand up for their principles, is commendable.

Their GP should understand, it has to be your DDs telling them though.
(You could, if you wanted to, make it clear to GP that you value and appreciate them, that you have tried to gently suggest to you DDs that they go, but that at the end of the day, your DDs wishes should be respected.)

Original poster

lyralalala · 06/03/2019 10:49

Honestly, families.

Amusingly my ex has been on the phone ranting and raving at the girls. Apparently family is all. Which is rich coming from a man who hasn't seen one of his DDs for months and one for over a year. It's also quite funny because the last time there was a wedding in his family he fell out with the girls because they did go with his parents against his wishes! (It was abroad and his wife chose not to go with their boys so he felt it unfair that the girls got the trip when they didn't)

Had a brief tense moment with their grandfather putting on a bit of pressure, but he has since apologised to the girls and has accepted their decision. Grandmother is very upset, but totally understands. She's also made very clear to the bride she's deeply unimpressed by her thoughtlessness.

Bride is now posting lots of "my day my way" and "you find out who you can rely on" type memes on Facebook like the mature adult she is.

Also amusingly my two had one of their usual "she used my straighteners" type teenage arguments last night. DH and I couldn't help chuckling at the sound of them getting tore into each other in that teenage bitchy way. Very much a case of "my sister, I can say what I like, but woe betide anyone else who says it".

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