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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letting 16yos decide if they attend a wedding or not

66 replies

lyralalala · 04/03/2019 18:54

What age would you let your kids decide if they wanted to attend a wedding?

My 16yo twin DDs have decided they don't want to attend a weddding on their father's side. They were previously close to the bride, but haven't really seen her much.

There was an issue in that she asked DD1 to be a bridesmaid, but told DD2, who is narcoleptic, that she didn't want to stress her out (DD2 has been a BM several times and it's never been an issue) so they wanted her to attend just as a guest.

DD1 has taken huge offence on her sister's behalf and declined being a BM. After more to-in and fro-ing (including one amusing text in which I was told I was allowing them to be selfish brats) they have decided they don't want to go at all.

Their grandparents, who I usually get on very, very well with (they have a much better/closer relationship with the girls than their father does, see the girls weekly and take the on holiday each year) have asked me to intervene and tell them that family weddings are just one of those things and they must go.

However, I'm inclined to think that 16 is old enough to decide for themselves.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 04/03/2019 20:14

If they were my daughters, I would be proud of their integrity, loyalty and resilience.

This. They've given a rational reason for their decision. I think their grandparents should respect that, and not make them carry the can for other family members' decisions as well as their own.

SenecaFalls · 04/03/2019 20:20

So one daughter was not chosen because of her disability and has decided she doesn't want to go. And her sister has taken a stand and decided not to go. I say good for them both.

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2019 20:20

What is with these brides and grooms who get angry about people not attending their wedding?

You send out invitations, people say yes or no, you make the arrangements.

It’s the height of arrogance to think because the day is important to you it’s important to everyone.

Firefliess · 04/03/2019 20:21

I wouldn't force them to go. But if they're old enough to make that decision for themselves then they're also old enough not to have you fighting their battles for them. I'd ask them to have a conversation directly with the grandparents about it.

And encourage them to think through how much it matters to them if they do more or less lose touch with their cousin over it.

BlueMerchant · 04/03/2019 20:27

I'd want them to go if it's going to upset their Grandparents who they have a good relationship with. It also shows they are mature and shows good grace.

Alsohuman · 04/03/2019 20:32

I’d be very proud of them both. I most definitely wouldn’t try and persuade them to go, let alone force them. Shame the bride isn’t as mature as two 16 year olds.

Original poster
lyralalala · 04/03/2019 20:38

I don’t agree with their reasons for not going- I think their cousin has an absolute right to choose her bridesmaids for whatever reason she wants, and I think it’s petty to refuse to go to something because you’re offended on someone else’s behalf.

The thing is, they're not saying she hasn't got that right. They haven't once demanded that DD2 be a bridesmaid (which I'm proud of as I know their Aunt, the bride's mother, suggested that to her DD). They just think that using her disability as a reason to exclude her is shit and have decided they'd rather not go.

Also, (and apologies if your girls have better manners than this, but lots of far older people don’t) better that they politely decline and stay away than go with a sour face and a bad attitude and make it all about them. A close relative of my husband’s did that to us, and I’ll never forgive or forget. I wouldn’t have cared that much if he had declined.

They wouldn't do that. Not only do they know it wouldn't be tolerated, but they wouldn't do it. DD1 declined the request to be a bridesmaid politely. Their decision not to go was dealt with by telling their grandparents on the telephone so they heard it from them first. They politely filled in the reply thing on the wedding website declining the invitation and they put toward the honeymoon fund wedding present.

It was the bride kicking off to the Grandparents that sparked any agro, and it was also her decision to text me to tell me I was allowing them to be spoilt brats.

At no point has either of my girls kicked off. DD1 was blunt, but polite when she said she thought it was rude and patronising to exlude DD2 because of her condition and then make out it was for her own sake. She said she wished they hadn't asked either. The bride is annoyed DD1 isn't grateful to have been asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
lyralalala · 04/03/2019 20:40

I'd want them to go if it's going to upset their Grandparents who they have a good relationship with. It also shows they are mature and shows good grace.

This is the only reason I'm even discussing it with them.

Their GPs are lovely. When their Dad disappeared their Grandmother came to me and begged to be part of their lives. They are very close.

They've been to every wedding and birthday party and event that they've been able to attend with their GPs. They are far more involved than their father is.

I know the GPs find it very upsetting that they have very little to do with ex's younger children.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 04/03/2019 20:44

I’d be right behind your DD’s on this and I’d be telling the GP’s that they need to let it drop or the girls won’t want to see them either.

Cousin is a bitch. Bitches do not need pandering too.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/03/2019 20:46

No no no no no.

Don’t make them sacrifice DD2 to appease GP’s who are letting her down to pander to Cousin. Just NO.

Alsohuman · 04/03/2019 20:50

Thing is the grandparents are stuck in the middle, it must be horrible for them. The spoilt brats text is unforgivable.

Original poster
lyralalala · 04/03/2019 20:52

Just for the record - I'm not voicing an opinion either way. I do think the reasoning for not including DD2 is disgusting and I think very little of their cousin after this.

We have a deal when it comes to their father and his family. We discuss it - I make sure they've thought through all of the ramifications and possible issues and they can be as open, rude and blunt as they like with me (or DH if I'm not home) without censor or telling off for language.

If I think their decision is wrong I will tell them, but they know that as long as they've thought it through, covered all the points and made a decision for a good reason (rather than a stroppy just because) I will back them.

This, however, is the first time they've had their GP's ask them to do something they didn't want to do. Usually it's their father or step-mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
lyralalala · 04/03/2019 20:56

Their GP's have been very good to them, and supportive to me over the years. It's a shame that they've been put in the middle like this, but it's absolutely not my girls' fault.

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 04/03/2019 21:01

At 16 I wouldn’t make them go, its their choice.

Bringmewineandcake · 04/03/2019 21:03

Definitely old enough to decide not to go even if it hadn’t been for the insult to DD2. The bride and grandparents need to leave it now. The girls have explained themselves enough. No one would then change their mind after being called a brat about it!

oldowlgirl · 04/03/2019 21:12

You sound very measured Op & I think it's great that they've called out the bride on her crap.

That said, I do feel for the grandparents as they're stuck in the middle. If there's any way to encourage your DDs to rise above & attend to support the GPs, then I would as these things tend to have long term consequences (although I don't think they're in the wrong at all).

Topseyt · 04/03/2019 21:34

I think your DDs sound lovely, and seem to have thought this through.

I wouldn't make them go. The bride has behaved like a twat and they should not be obliged to spend the day with her. She has shown her true colours here. If a rift occurs it will be down to her, not your DDs.

It is richly ironic that she is suggesting that they are the spoilt brats. They aren't. That honour goes to Bridezilla herself.

ShaggyRug · 04/03/2019 21:39

I actually think that empowering your daughters to know that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do when they’ve been treated badly is a good thing. They’ve been hurt by family. Too many time families put up with this crap yet your daughters have said ‘no, it’s not fair and we won’t put up with it’. I wouldn’t teach my DD to think that her feelings are secondary when someone has acted as the bride has done.

tiredgrumpyone · 04/03/2019 21:53

I actually think that empowering your daughters to know that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do when they’ve been treated badly is a good thing

^^ this with bells on.

I didn't go to my sister's wedding which caused a huge uproar. She was being a horrible dick (nothing new) and I didn't see why I should suck it up because it was "her day".

I hate this whole "but it's faaaaamily" shite.

SenecaFalls · 04/03/2019 22:01

I actually think that empowering your daughters to know that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do when they’ve been treated badly is a good thing.

Absolutely this. Hopefully, the grandparents can accept it gracefully. I am a grandmother. I would be very proud of my granddaughters taking a stand like this and supporting each other.

TORDEVAN · 04/03/2019 22:06

I actually think that empowering your daughters to know that they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do when they’ve been treated badly is a good thing

Also this!

I don't think it would be unreasonable for them to choose to not go to a cousin's wedding. Especially after how the Cousin treated DD2 (her photos more important!!!!)

humpydumpybumpy · 04/03/2019 22:08

It sounds like you have wonderful DDs, Op! I'd back them completely. Also agree with the empowering post. The girls have handled this situations very well, and are well within their rights to refuse to go to the wedding. I hope the GP come around to recognizing the importance of their choice to not attend.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/03/2019 22:19

INE, people tend to attach a lot more importance to their own weddings than they merit. The only people really interested in their wedding are themselves. Other relatives have no business trying to stampede you into intervening in decisions which are not yours to make, about invited guests at a wedding to which you're not invited. Not your circus, etc.

The cousin is at liberty to choose whoever she likes as her bridesmaids, and for whatever reasons she likes. But others are equally free to refuse the duty for reasons that seem good to them, and to decline their invitation on a similar basis.

Whatever their reasoning is, your DDs have decided where their loyalties lie, and it's with each other (FTR, I find this commendable). 16 is more than old enough to make that decision. It's not reasonable to expect you to interfere.

No, YANBU.

Drum2018 · 04/03/2019 22:35

I agree with majority. The girls have made their decision not to go and that should be the end of it. It's embarrassing that the bride would even question their decision. What kind of person contacts anyone who declines an invite? It's pathetic. The cousin is the only spoilt brat in this scenario expecting that the girls should want to go. I'm sure they have better things to do than spend an afternoon/evening listening to boring speeches and watching other relatives make a show of themselves on the dance floor Grin

Believability · 04/03/2019 22:39

In afraid i am with the grandparents, it’s just one of those things you have to go to.