Not sure I love my DH, or want the life I'm about to get into

[sadsosad]

NC for this as its very outing.

DH and I have been married 3 years, we have a 1yo DC. In my heart of hearts I'm not sure I'm in love with him, or if I ever have been. I've been stewing about my feelings a lot lately, and wondering whether the relationship is worth continuing. I'm going a bit mad thinking about it constantly, so I need the help / flaming of mumsnet.

Several things make me want to stay with him:

DH is about to inherit a house (next 3-4 months) and its the plan to move in as a family and stay there for at least the next 5 years or so. This is a great leap forward for us, as we both earn very little and rent a house that costs us nearly 1/2 our wages, so things will become a lot easier once this move goes through.

I get on extremely well with DH's family, better than my own family. They've always made me feel welcome and uncomfortable. So I feel safely surrounded by people that care for me and my DC.

The city we live in is one side of England and literally all my family, everyone else I know is the other side. So if we were to split DC would always be a long way from one of their parents / grandparents.

Things that make me want to end the relationship:

There are things I dislike about his personality, he's moody and stubborn and can be very selfish and petty.

He is what mumsnet would call a 'manchild' and I do basically everything for him, I feel like he never does anything for me (e.g I was recently sick off work, really really poorly and he complained that he would have to cook for himself AND wash up.)

He has a much higher sex drive than me, and this is our main point of contention. I feel fed up of being bothered for sex all the time and it being such a big issue.

I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him any more.

I'm just not sure what to do for the best, for me and my DC. He's not a bad husband, I know he would never cheat or lie but I just don't feel that YES I LOVE HIM! feeling. In a way, I feel stronger love for friends of mine.

Help.

No advice but you could be me talking

I think given how long you’ve been married and that there’s no dreadful behaviour such as adultery or substance addiction you should try couples counselling and see how you feel after that and if it makes any difference. I think you need to explore your feelings further before you bail.

It doesn't seem like you have any reasons to stay other than he's going to inherit a house. Why are you dragging this out? You should end it

I would normally recommend counselling before making such a big decision as to whether to stay or to go. But the sex thing makes me think you should explore exit strategies seriously.

He's not a bad husband, I know he would never cheat or lie

Are you sure he's not a bad husband? It takes more than not cheating or lying to be a good husband (or wife).

Yours doesn't pull his weight around the house and pesters you to have sex. Neither sounds like good husband to me.

Yes he is a bad husband because he only ever thinks about himself and his needs and not yours. It doesn’t necessarily make him a bad man, but definitely a bad husband

Truthfully you need to tell him you are unhappy he doesn’t pull his weight, you hate been pestered for sex and it makes you feel lonely and unappreciated

His reaction will tell you a lot

It's really tough with small kids and a massive adjustment. Have you tried talking to your husband about helping you out more and putting less pressure on you? Do either of you have a bit of post natal depression? There are lots of things that you can do to improve this but a conversation with your husband is the best place to start.

The fact that he is a man child that does nothing to support you when you are unwell plus the fact that you seem to do everything in the house is it any wonder you don't fancy him or want sex? Was it always like this, I mean pre baby did you have the same sex drive?

A bullying manchild who pesters you for sex is not a good husband, I assure you.

I think he sounds like a dreadful partner and husband. But so does staying with him for a house. Split if you can’t think of a positive and edifying reason to stay together.

In doing so, you should both agree to live somewhere that facilitates contact between your child and both parents. This is your joint responsibility to your child. Along with showing good example.

He's not a bad husband

This line totally contradicts that for me :

He is what mumsnet would call a 'manchild' and I do basically everything for him, I feel like he never does anything for me (e.g I was recently sick off work, really really poorly and he complained that he would have to cook for himself AND wash up.)

Couldn't be putting up with someone so selfish and who views me as a servant

The thing is - do you think he is capable of 'growing' and working on himself?

My DH has always been very supportive but was also prone to grumpiness and I never felt he 'got' me emotionally - until the day he did. Our lives have changed massively for the better. Staying to inherit a house is not worth it at all - but staying if you are both working on the marriage is worth it. I recommend anything by John Gottman - there are lots of free articles online and it definitely got us moving in a positive direction.

You're not in love with him, and it sounds like you never have been. In fact, it sounds like you don't even like him that much.

Don't stay in a marriage because of the money - there's a name for that. And don't model this kind of relationship for your child.

I think you should leave him ,he sounds dreadfull. You'd be better off on your own, never mind the house.

How do you think he feels about your relationship? Do you think he loves you?

Have you spoke to him about any if this? Such as the manchild bit?

Firstly, having a small child is testing for a marriage, but it's also when you really find out how lazy or not your OH is.

Not having much money and things being tight also add stress, so for me I'd want to see how things go after your move.

Not pulling his weight and pestering you for sex are probably directly linked to how you feel about him sexually and generally. I think it's fair for him to have that explained to him so he has the chance to change - it. I have to say IME most men like this don't/won't change, but it is possible.

And lastly staying with him for the house might seem mercenary, but I am pretty sure that if you do split up, you will be far more likely to lose out financially. Even being married and even if he pays maintenance and does everything he should (and that is far from a given), you're more likely to be left with the bulk of the childcare and less opportunity to work / advance your career.

Therefore for your own future and your child's, I would give it some time, move into the house and wait until some time after the inheritance to make your decision. That will result in a much better situation for you if you divorce (and of course he might pull his finger out and you might end up happier).

I might get flamed but that is what I'd do. I'm post-separation and happy with it, but I definitely do not have all the financial advantage - my ex does. He inherited some money long before we split which I benefited from (in the form of house etc). He stands to inherit much more in the future so I didn't "stay for the money" but in your situation as I think you need to give it some time anyway, I wouldn't make any hasty decisions.

Sorry you're dealing with a manchild - I know how horrible it is

It really sounds like you’re staying with a misogynistic twat for the sake of getting a house.

Doesn’t sound like he has any redeeming features at all, and you don’t actually love him. I’d stay with my husband even if we lived in a cardboard box. The house is blinding you to the obvious I think....

Reasons to stay-practical circumstances will improve, family support.

These are all head reasons. If you didn't have these I'd say get out.

Reasons to leave-emotional, bit of a flake

These are emotional reasons. The main thing that concerns me here is his lack of attentiveness to your needs. Tell him he needs to pull his finger out. Give him firm words and tough love.

Sex drive. There is a theory on this. We each have three insticts: sexual, social and self-preservation. We have them in different orders. It's not insurmountable and the best solution is communication.

You sound miserable. Has he recently suffered the loss of a parent? What do you enjoy together? What attracted you in the first place? Could you have post natal depression? Is he under pressure at work, long hours etc?

I do basically everything for him, I feel like he never does anything for me (e.g I was recently sick off work, really really poorly and he complained that he would have to cook for himself AND wash up.)

That would be enough for me. Tell him he needs to start doing his fucking bit, especially when you're ill.

Thanks everyone.

I have been over the way I feel about him - i.e not pulling his weight, not having responsibilities to him SO many times, now if I ever mention it he goes ballistic and says he is trying his best and that its never good enough for me.

I know he tries to do his share of housework and childcare, but in reality its probably 25% of what needs to be done, I pick up the other 75%. Things like leaving his tea cups on the floor when he's finished drinking, he wouldn't even have the thought to take it in the kitchen? I think he's always been "looked after."

I think @BrinkPink your advice is good, and the option I am leaning towards at the moment.

I wonder with less money worries everything else will become less of a slog.

now if I ever mention it he goes ballistic and says he is trying his best and that its never good enough for me.

Bloody hell, the cheek of him, he gets annoyed that you point out that you're not his servant?

You sound miserable. Has he recently suffered the loss of a parent? What do you enjoy together? What attracted you in the first place? Could you have post natal depression? Is he under pressure at work, long hours etc?

We got together when we were both freshly single, younger, less responsibilities! We do spend a lot of time together watching films, series', walking, hiking, camping. Its not like we don't get on.

I do have depression, but currently not on meds because they make my libido low and I was trying to boost it in another effort to help my marriage.

DH is definitely not under pressure at work. He works 9-5, gets driven to and from work by his uncle (!) and its a low stress, quiet job.

I would stay for 6 months after the house move, on the proviso that some of the spare money is used for a cleaner/domestic help to reduce the burden on you AND that you go to therapy on a weekly basis. Only after 6 months or so would i re-assess and see how I felt. If he has worked with you to improve tings and the dometic burden is now lighter AND you are getting on better then happy days. if he has said no to a cleaner and refuses to see his behaviour as unreasonable then I would leave. In the meantime a flat out NO HOUSE WORK = NO SEX rule may help.