Not sure I love my DH, or want the life I'm about to get into

[sadsosad]

NC for this as its very outing.

DH and I have been married 3 years, we have a 1yo DC. In my heart of hearts I'm not sure I'm in love with him, or if I ever have been. I've been stewing about my feelings a lot lately, and wondering whether the relationship is worth continuing. I'm going a bit mad thinking about it constantly, so I need the help / flaming of mumsnet.

Several things make me want to stay with him:

DH is about to inherit a house (next 3-4 months) and its the plan to move in as a family and stay there for at least the next 5 years or so. This is a great leap forward for us, as we both earn very little and rent a house that costs us nearly 1/2 our wages, so things will become a lot easier once this move goes through.

I get on extremely well with DH's family, better than my own family. They've always made me feel welcome and uncomfortable. So I feel safely surrounded by people that care for me and my DC.

The city we live in is one side of England and literally all my family, everyone else I know is the other side. So if we were to split DC would always be a long way from one of their parents / grandparents.

Things that make me want to end the relationship:

There are things I dislike about his personality, he's moody and stubborn and can be very selfish and petty.

He is what mumsnet would call a 'manchild' and I do basically everything for him, I feel like he never does anything for me (e.g I was recently sick off work, really really poorly and he complained that he would have to cook for himself AND wash up.)

He has a much higher sex drive than me, and this is our main point of contention. I feel fed up of being bothered for sex all the time and it being such a big issue.

I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him any more.

I'm just not sure what to do for the best, for me and my DC. He's not a bad husband, I know he would never cheat or lie but I just don't feel that YES I LOVE HIM! feeling. In a way, I feel stronger love for friends of mine.

Help.

I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because I was going to inherit a house, and my family like them. Would you?

Add in that he's a sexually demanding man child and that it doesn't sound like you were ever in love with him, and you've got a very bleak picture.

I was married to a man who pestered me for sex and I hated it. And ended up hating him too. There were many other issues but that was where it started. I ended up feeling not good enough, in the bedroom and then everywhere else.

I was also depressed and not taking my meds so as to be able to please him. It didn't help me and I ended up having a breakdown.

If you want to try to stay together, try couples counselling because it's unlikely that this will fix itself without intervention. And talk to your doc, are there any meds without the side effect? You need to be well if you are going to either fix this or leave.

I think things will be at least partially better when you move as no financial pressure will help, you could tell him that there are certain chores you need him to do (list them) and if he doesn't do his share you will get a cleaner to help you.

Assuming the pressure is off, both financially and drudgery, your sex drive may return/improve......

Have you told him exactly what is a turn off? ie, endless clearing up after him/not being helpful when you are ill etc, really spell it out to give him a chance to change.

I would wait until the move, do as above and try counselling too. Then if nothing changes think about leaving.

I read it more that the OP is looking forward to having fewer money worries when they inherit the house- if 1/2 of their money is spent on rent, then money is very tight!

She would get half the inherited house anyway probably given the time-scale for divorce.

OP the first year after a child is peak-divorce time. More people call it quits then than any other time. This could be because you find out what they are really like, but it also could be because you are tired, sleep-deprived, depressed, have no libido and spend more time arguing than having fun, I think this is fairly normal if undesirable and probably not a great place to make a decision about it all. My marriage wasn't in the best state a year after the first birth and if I'd have called time on it, I would have regretted it.

I would wait, move into the house, get a cleaner with the saved money, and sit your husband down and tell him that every time he puts a cup on the floor instead of removing it, he's disrespecting you and basically saying you are a servant. My husband used to do this, it was very thoughtless, but he did change over time.

I don't know if you can find your way back to being a good couple again, most people I know found the early child-rearing years a huge strain, but the opportunities for quality time do come around again.

If you want, lay it on the line to him- if this doesn't change, we split. My feeling is he won't want to split and so he will change his entitled ways- if not, you always know you can leave him.

How old is he? I ask because my DH is a much much nicer person now than he was when he was younger. And I’m not talking being a kid either.

At 29 he was pretty selfish and quite manipulative to be honest. I was with him because he was fun and I really fancied him. He didn’t help very much at all with our first child.

By 41, when we had our youngest, he was basically the dream husband in every way. Kind and considerate.

Obviously you might not want to hang around in the hope that he grows up. But my experience goes against the accepted narrative that men don’t change. Ask yourself if deep down he is a good soul. Look at what his Dad is like, lots of men end up like their dad.

It's quite telling that none of your reasons to stay with him are anything to do with him a person.
Life with money troubles is tough and with a child as well it is tougher.
Do you feel that your feelings have changed dramatically from before you got married and had a child or has it always been a bit 'meh'?
The pestering for sex is annoying but it could be that he's craving attention from you as he can feel you pulling away? The saying goes that women need to feel lived to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved.
Ultimately it comes down to how happy you feel and if you would feel disappointed if your life was this way in ten years time? Either way it's worth addressing with him.
Have you spoken to him about if he feels happy atm? Rather than saying something that immediately puts him in to defensive mode ask him how he believes your relationship is currently? It might give you the opportunity to have a calm discussion and understand each other's issues.
Divorces are rough, especially when you then have to continue co-parenting so it's got to worth trying to make things better.

I wonder with less money worries everything else will become less of a slog.

Or, he could view the situation as that he has provided the house and you owe him the housework, childcare and sex.

I do have depression, but currently not on meds because they make my libido low and I was trying to boost it in another effort to help my marriage.

Suffering from untreated depression is going to lower your libido more than antidepressants will, sweetie. How many different antidepressants have you tried? There will be one that’s right for you with fewer side effects than some others.

Differing libidos make marriage tricky, for sure, but it is possible to reach a compromise. Sounds like you’ve had a rough year but it would be interesting to know whether your dislike of your DH is a cause or a symptom, if that makes sense?

I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because I was going to inherit a house, and my family like them. Would you?

Of course no one wants that, but no one wants to be treated like a domestic servant and sex slave either.

They are married and have a child. If she does end up leaving, OP needs to get the best deal to give her child the best possible outcome. The cards will be stacked in his favour, as they always are. IMO it's totally reasonable to plan sensibly and in this case that would mean waiting until after the move.

So, you're with a manchild, but you said you may not be in love with him or you may never have been. So what foundation did you actually start building your relationship on if it wasn't love and respect?

OP I agree go back to the GP and have another look at meds. They can make a huge difference and you need to look after your health first, for your sake and your child's.

His desire for sex does not trump your need for health. Plus it sounds like it's not working anyway (hardly surprising when he behaves as he does).

I don't think all's lost here by any means. Does he have any idea he may lose you? Talk about it, see if you can get a weekend away without the kids to rest and reconnect. Take care of yourself, ie diet, supplements, excercise to help your mood. Research dishwashers for the new place. Don't do anything drastic at this point.

Oh God, don't stay with him, he sounds awful.
Forget about the fluffy stuff that makes it not unbearable to be married to him. If you don't leave now, you will in the future anyway.

They are married and have a child. If she does end up leaving, OP needs to get the best deal to give her child the best possible outcome.

You mean THEIR child. There's a difference between the OP getting the best deal, and the child getting the best deal. I'm not sure why you assume that the OP's husband wouldn't want what is best for his child.

Because he's already a slacker who can't be arsed to pull his weight. When couples with DC split, the DC usually stay with their mum for most of the time and that's especially likely when the dad is a lazy arse. Separated men refusing to pay what they should and/or dropping out of their child's life is sadly extremely common, that's not to say he necessarily would do that, but if I was in OP's shoes I'd allow for it as a possibility.

Also OP actually said:
"I'm just not sure what to do for the best, for me and my DC."