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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be completely perplexed by men

31 replies

Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 15:12

I’m so confused. I’m a naturally friendly, giving person and have been in the situation a few times whereby my boyfriend breaks up with me and marries his next girlfriend.

Friends tell me that I’m attractive and a nice, normal, easy going person.

My question is:
Everything I read about men appears contradictory. I don’t know what to believe and I have lost trust in my own judgment of how to behave.

So some books advise to play it cool, let him chase me, act like I’m not bothered if he calls or not.

Other books/websites say it’s all about creating intimacy through being vulnerable and loving.

So which is it?

My last 4 boyfriends have broken up with me:
B - after 3 years, I was his first girlfriend and he wanted to have more experience. Married his next girlfriend.
R - a few weeks. Got back with his ex and married her.
A - a couple of months. Long distance. I suspect he actually had another girlfriend! Later died.
T - a few weeks. He had personal problems.

So I just don’t know how to be any more. I don’t like playing games but being myself isn’t getting me anywhere!!

Thanks.

OP posts:
Tchelsea · 04/03/2019 15:33

Hiya,

Have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 15:36

Tchelsea yes I have. I enjoyed it and I like traditional gender roles but I’m not sure it has helped me.

OP posts:
araiwa · 04/03/2019 15:38

Id stop reading all the crap in magazines, newpapers, websites etc

You said yourself its contradictory

You should probably recognise that men can be very different and what might work with one, wont with another

tattooq · 04/03/2019 15:46

Yeah, stop reading shite that tells you that 3.5 billion people all think the same way because they have a penis. Everyone is an individual and will have their own ideas about what they want in a partner be that emotional or physical characteristics. You can't make assumptions based purely on the fact they are a man, what sort of man? It just sounds like bad luck with those 4 boyfriends, and when someone right comes along it will work.

Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 15:46

araiwa but are there some common things. Like am I right in thinking that 95% of men enjoy the chase? 95% of men want to ask the woman out? 95% of men don’t want it handed to them on a plate?

I don’t know....

OP posts:
araiwa · 04/03/2019 15:50

I would say no

Only thing you could say is theyre all heterosexual men

Do you have the same preferences in men that all your female friends do? Doubtful. Why do you think all men would be the same?

chuttypicks · 04/03/2019 15:52

You're overthinking it. Just be yourself and if it's meant to be, it will be. Every boyfriend I had until my 30's either had children with or married the GF after me. I'm now 38 and have a LO with a man who is the love of my life. Thank God I didn't settle down earlier! Those ex's clearly weren't meant for me and I'm glad about it. There's no rush. Just be yourself and don't kill yourself trying to be perfect.

WWWWicked · 04/03/2019 15:53

Of all the relationships you’ve listed in your OP I’d say only the first could be called your boyfriend - you were just dating the rest.

Perhaps that’s part of the problem.

Belenus · 04/03/2019 16:04

Yeah, stop reading shite that tells you that 3.5 billion people all think the same way because they have a penis

This. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you some shit self help guide they wrote. Or has fallen for the shit in the self help guide.

Just respond to the person, as a person. Be yourself. You say you aren't getting anywhere by doing this but then you talk about playing it cool, or making yourself vulnerable. Stop it. Be who you are. Get out and meet lots of different people. Take your time getting to know them.

FWIW my last three boyfriends have married the one they went out with after me. Kind of makes me nervous about the man I'm seeing at the moment but all I can do is be me and see how we get on.

TheViceOfReason · 04/03/2019 16:10

Stop trying to make yourself into someones wife.

Figure out who YOU are, be yourself, and the right person will come along.

You are trying too hard.

Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 16:13

TheViceOfReason I’m just being myself. So if that means I come across as trying too hard, are you saying that I need to act in a different way? This is what confuses me!

OP posts:
Somerford · 04/03/2019 16:14

Stop approaching it tactically and get to know him properly. Maybe these men are sensing that you have a game plan and it's putting them off

Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 16:14

WWWWicked, exactly. It stopped before it became anything. I’m just wondering if I should have done something differently?

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 04/03/2019 16:15

Don't mess around trying to play it cool and provide the thrill of the chase, fgs! Load of stupid bollocks.

If the guy likes and fancies you, you won't have to worry because it will feel comfortable and he will keep in touch.

Never mind what men want in women - what do you, personally, want in a man?

Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 16:16

Somerford so if I was just being myself I would ask him out, make a physical move on him etc. But I don’t think he would like that because he’s quite old school. And I’d much prefer it if he made the first move!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 16:19

TooExtraImmatureCheddar good point. I want an intelligent man, someone who I can chat to for hours, someone nice looking, who respects me and himself, who doesn’t take himself too seriously, who’s up for a fun time, who’s interested in sex.

OP posts:
Belenus · 04/03/2019 16:20

if I was just being myself I would ask him out, [...] And I’d much prefer it if he made the first move!

So which is it? Do you want to make the first move or do you want the man to?

Actually scratch that, all it does is highlight your confusion. IME if someone right for me comes along, it doesn't feel as if either of us is making a move as such. Things just kind of happen and are reciprocated.

ShartGoblin · 04/03/2019 16:24

My relationship history:

  1. Sweet reliable, no fanny gallops
  2. Intense, in love completely. Moved closer to his single mates, I was disposable. He wanted to play around. After me he got married and had a baby.
  3. A string of failed non starters who easily spotted my self esteem issues (thanks number 2)
  4. Back to number 1, realised I had lost someone that cared about me. This ended in disaster.
  5. Lovely bloke who had never had anything less than a long-term relationship. I broke that trend apparently, he wanted to have fun for a bit. He's currently engaged to the woman after me.
  6. I reached the point where you are now, thought it was me, slept around. My self esteem was a rock bottom.
  7. Fooled by a guy that seemed to be in love with me, told me a pack of lies and ended it because I was too needy.
  8. Had a fling with a bloke 7 years ago who said from the start he didn't want a relationship. Fell in love, was needy. Got drunk, cried, was needy some more. Bought a house together last year. He said I'm crazy but I've always been worth it.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here. I guess, we've all been there and "the one" won't care for any playbook, they will take you as you are and love you. It's much easier to accept that love if you believe in yourself first though.

recrudescence · 04/03/2019 16:29

Your boyfriends spell BRAT. Could that be significant?

WonderTweek · 04/03/2019 16:32

My best friend never seemed to get past the casual dating stage in her relationships and she would often come to me for advice (I don't know why - I just had a string of one night stands and then got married and had a kid Grin), and she would always come up with these weird strategies for dating. She would show me some of her tinder chats and ask me what I thought and what she could be doing differently, and I barely recognised her in the conversations. She'd try the "I'm confident and a Very Interesting Person" approach, then the coy "I don't know - you decide!" approach, the mysterious approach, you name it. It was really weird, because to me she was always this lovely, down to earth person but when dating it was almost as if she was trying to "sell" herself to these guys. I understand that she was desperate for a soulmate and companionship, but I'm not sure if you can force it. She ended up meeting a bloke at a party and then they went jogging together or something, and something clicked and they have now been together for a few years and are expecting their first baby. Her partner is nothing like the guys she used to go after but he's lovely and they get on really well.

I know it's a cliche but you just have to be yourself. If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be, but if you find someone that you don't have to play games with, you may be onto something. Smile

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/03/2019 17:47

Men are just people. It's really weird to assume that they will all (or 95%) will behave or react in the same way.

Get to know them as people and don't try to be something you're not, or use some kind of "game plan". There's no magic secret or special information that you don't know and everyone else does.

Readytogogogo · 04/03/2019 17:52

Your boyfriends spell BRAT. Could that be significant?

Clearly you've got to the heart of the issue here...

MrsTerryPratcett · 04/03/2019 17:56

A wise person once said that every single relationship you have will 'fail' except, if you're lucky, the last one.

So enjoy dating. Don't expect and require every relationship to be serious and marriage worthy. And stop reading psychobabble crap.

sizzledrizz · 04/03/2019 18:30

Did you actually want to marry any of those men though? Did you see a future with them? Perhaps you should try assessing each relationship for future potential, and if you don't see any then move on. Eventually you'll meet someone that you want to actually be with.

Original poster
Bombon99 · 04/03/2019 18:50

Thanks MrsTerryPratcett. Sage advice.

OP posts:
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