...to be completely perplexed by men

[Bombon99]

I’m so confused. I’m a naturally friendly, giving person and have been in the situation a few times whereby my boyfriend breaks up with me and marries his next girlfriend.

Friends tell me that I’m attractive and a nice, normal, easy going person.

My question is:
Everything I read about men appears contradictory. I don’t know what to believe and I have lost trust in my own judgment of how to behave.

So some books advise to play it cool, let him chase me, act like I’m not bothered if he calls or not.

Other books/websites say it’s all about creating intimacy through being vulnerable and loving.

So which is it?

My last 4 boyfriends have broken up with me:
B - after 3 years, I was his first girlfriend and he wanted to have more experience. Married his next girlfriend.
R - a few weeks. Got back with his ex and married her.
A - a couple of months. Long distance. I suspect he actually had another girlfriend! Later died.
T - a few weeks. He had personal problems.

So I just don’t know how to be any more. I don’t like playing games but being myself isn’t getting me anywhere!!

Thanks.

sizzledrizz, I had a couple of relationships before B and a significant one more recently (these ones I ended it with).

I think you’re right. I only really loved B and would have happily married him. But obviously I wasn’t what he wanted. Interestingly we are still very close friends. I would have married R too but that wouldn’t have been good for me in retrospect. The others... definitely not!

I’m very attracted to someone at the moment, hence my angst about how to ‘play it’. I can imagine having a serious future with him but obviously one never actually knows someone until you’re in a relationship with them. I do know him VERY well though.

Hi OP it sounds like you've only had one long term relationship where he's married the next person. I'm not sure the others really count.

I'm no dating expert but have noticed the following with my friends - The more they want a man and try and change themselves or their interests to get a man, the more people seem to subconsciously know this and avoid them. It's always the ones with boyfriends already that get chatted up. Men aren't a different species that follow a set of rules. They are normal varied people just like women. Nobody understands men or women in terms of motivations for their behaviour - each person and set of circumstances are different. I'd advise to fill your life with things and people you enjoy and see what happens. And most of all, be yourself

The majority of my boyfriends married their next partner after breaking up with me. I didn’t even realise until I thought about it just now, because I’ve been focused on my own life rather than the lives of my exes!

Men are just people; there’s no special formula for a successful relationship. My guiding principle is: try to find someone who doesn’t piss me off. But then I’m quite misanthropic.

B - You probably got together too young, and just grew apart.

R - He was on the rebound, it happens.

A - Too far away, may have had someone else, and was two timing her had a brief fling with you.

T - Had his own issues, nothing to do with you.

You aren't doing anything wrong. The next time, the only thing I'd say is don't try and second-guess what they want from you or how they want you to be. Don't try to turn yourself into that person. That never ends well. Just be yourself.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I’m finding all of your responses really helpful.

Like am I right in thinking that 95% of men enjoy the chase? 95% of men want to ask the woman out? 95% of men don’t want it handed to them on a plate?

Jesus, no. This is absolute crap.

Men will not reject the advances of an otherwise fanciable woman because she asked him out and they would prefer the other way round. The odd wierdo might, but most will be happy to get the awkward first approach out of the way without having to worry about the fear of rejection.

Confident, funny and attractive are what I amd most men I know look for, initially anyway. Men aren't some complicated logic puzzle to be solved.