To be fucked off with OH?

[absolutelyfumingz]

NC for this. OH and I were bathing DD (14 weeks) in the shnuggle bath. He often takes his hand off her to chat with her or whatever. I was always told never ever to take a hand off of baby in case they slip and drown.

I said to him "you can't take your hand off her," as I have said before and he was annoyed with me, sulking and saying it feels rubbish that I think he is putting the baby at risk. I feel it's not likely she will drown but because the consequences are so serious it's not worth it. (DD is quite chunky and has a bit of head control so couldn't easily sink down but still seems risky to me).

To not drip feed: This is our first and I have had some nerves about the baby (mostly worried about SIDS) but don't treat her like a porcelain doll. I have much more experience with babies (looking after nieces and nephews, etc) than OH (who had none prior to DD). When other things come up I hold my tongue so as not to criticise OH (eg how he puts a nappy on, talks to her, etc.), so I'm really not nagging at him about every thing.

AIBU to be fucked off, or is OH?

I would only keep my hand on my baby in the bath, when they're a new born (and I would have my hand behind them and holding them by the opposite arm), but once they have some control and are more chunky, I would briefly let go to chat to them, pour water on them, shampoo them etc. I would have eyes on them and could easily see if they started slipping.

If I turned away to grab something, then I would put my hand on them, but to be honest, my eyes would pick up on any movement quicker than my hand.

Do you actually think that if she somehow slips under the water, he's going to stand there and watch her drown?

He’s the baby’s parent too, I don’t think he has to placate the OP because of her hormones! He’s not doing anything wrong here, the bath has a seat in built to stop the baby from slipping, holding on to her would be unnecessary.

I didn’t know what these were till I just googled it and even the images with the models using them don’t show an adult holding the youngest babies, so....

I thought the whole point of a shnuggle Bath is that you can bath baby without having to keep your hands on them as it has the shuttle seat in there? Plus he was with her the whole time so I think you're being unreasonable

YABU he was right there and supervising. If she slipped he'd have her back up in an instant.

*little

I agree with everyone else in that YABU , however I say that as a mother of two teenagers but when my first was a baby I would criticise the way my DH did everything from bathing baby to putting the blanket on the pram 'wrong'. Give your DH a break and maybe even allow him to bath DC alone. He is as concerned with safety as you are, at some point you have to realise he is a parent too. My DH was very understanding but I was a terrible critic! Relax a bit, things will be fine.

and yes, he should be more aware of and sympathetic to your feelings. He needs to be working with you as a team, as well as vice versa. You both need to listen and be kind to each other.

YABU.

I feel sorry for your dh tbh. YABU.

OP, I think this says more about your level of anxiety than about your DH’s bathing skills. Did you suffer PND after the birth? Are you anxious in general, or just about bathing?
I always bathed my babies in the adult bath. Once, while I reached for the towel, one of them fell underwater and slid the whole length of the bath on her back, completely submerged. Her eyes were open and looked mildly surprised. I grabbed her as she reached the other end and lifted her upright. She beamed at me, completely unperturbed! As long as you’re right beside the bath, ready to grab them if necessary, you certainly don’t need to keep a hand on at all times. For single parents it would be impossible anyway - how would you reach for shampoo, towels, soap etc? Please relax your hypervigilance a little, and trust your DH, or you will be exhausted with nerves and your child will be wrapped in cotton wool!

So he is literally right there looking at her? She is in a Shnuggle. She is perfectly safe. You need to chill. Its his daughter, let him do his thing his way

I don't know why some people are being so scornful about this! Babies are terrifying when you're not used to them. She's perfectly safe as long as he's next to her and watching her, OP, she doesn't need his hand actually on her. I can't see how she could roll off the seat that you've got there but (a) the bath will be pretty shallow and (b) if babies do go underwater they instinctively close their eyes and hold their breath (it's one of the reasons why baby swimming works with such young babies) so she'd be very unlikely to take in water in the split second before he scooped her out.

I do get it, though, my husband does the bathing here because I'm such a panicpants

user Do you really not bathe your child as you will panic?

Actually no, they hold their breath instinctively when completely submerged, not just when they're in water. But still she's really not going to be in any danger with him right there as long as he's watching her and attentive and not messing about or out of the room.

That's a slight overstatement but I was really nervous about bathing her when she was small. She was a tiny baby and it was a very difficult pregnancy and I was generally quite anxious and felt like she was really breakable. Actually she's as hard as nails, the thug but when they're tiny and floppy and only just getting their head under control it is quite scary at bathtime!

*downcasteyes is right. Your OH should be more aware of your feelings around perceived risk, and not triggering anxiety.

I don't get people who cant see when a mothers hormones are raging. PFB comes from somewhere, it doesn't appear out of thin air.*

Only if the new mother is equally realising and does the obvious thing here to minimise the anxiety - ie leave the other capable adult to bathe kid out of sight to minimise the anxiety. Yes anxiety is real, and yes everyone should minimise it, that includes the person suffering it.

The Op doesn’t sound necessarily anxious to me about bathing the baby more that she’s being quite controlling and bossy hence the reason the husband is pissed off.

@GreatDuckCookery

I quite agree. OP needs to apologise and back off. OH was quite right to be pissed off.

Your OH should be more aware of your feelings around perceived risk, and not triggering anxiety.I don't get people who cant see when a mothers hormones are raging. PFB comes from somewhere, it doesn't appear out of thin air.

Ehrm you do understand you're on mumsnet and a shit lot of the people posting are actually women who are also mothers? It would appear you're confused somewhat.

And hormones raging doesn't mean you get to behave as you please, undermine your husband, and he has to do exactly as he is told, no matter how unreasonable, and pussy foot around you in case he triggers anxiety.

I'm sure you know that? Do you just want to be the ops bff? 🤣

You are overreacting, your DH is with her. She can't drown whilst he is watching her. Chill out and stop micromanaging him.

The thing is, as long as he is looking at the baby and paying attention, even if her head slips under the water (incredibly unlikely) she won't drown because your dh will immediately grab her.

I used to take DS to baby swimming where they dipped the babies underwater for a few seconds. A bit like this They all seemed fine with it .

So although I know you are only saying it because of how much you love your baby and want to protect her, YAB (a teensy weensy bit)U

You both sound like good parents. Go easy on each other, it can be hard in the early days

To be fair my daughter is 8 weeks and we have to support her head in the shnuggle bath 🤷🏽‍♀️