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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off with OH?

74 replies

absolutelyfumingz · 04/03/2019 11:18

NC for this. OH and I were bathing DD (14 weeks) in the shnuggle bath. He often takes his hand off her to chat with her or whatever. I was always told never ever to take a hand off of baby in case they slip and drown.

I said to him "you can't take your hand off her," as I have said before and he was annoyed with me, sulking and saying it feels rubbish that I think he is putting the baby at risk. I feel it's not likely she will drown but because the consequences are so serious it's not worth it. (DD is quite chunky and has a bit of head control so couldn't easily sink down but still seems risky to me).

To not drip feed: This is our first and I have had some nerves about the baby (mostly worried about SIDS) but don't treat her like a porcelain doll. I have much more experience with babies (looking after nieces and nephews, etc) than OH (who had none prior to DD). When other things come up I hold my tongue so as not to criticise OH (eg how he puts a nappy on, talks to her, etc.), so I'm really not nagging at him about every thing.

AIBU to be fucked off, or is OH?

OP posts:
Mmmmbrekkie · 04/03/2019 12:05

Totally unreasonable

How on earth could she drown. Seriously. Just think about it

SurgeHopper · 04/03/2019 12:06

Yabu

ohdearmymistake · 04/03/2019 12:06

In the nicest possible way calm down, I understand that this is your PFB but it's your anxiety to deal with not your DH or your DD.
It's going to get a lot harder especially if you carry on as you are, chill and enjoy this time as it goes so fast.

Mmmmbrekkie · 04/03/2019 12:07

will you always bathe her together??

If not, how would you reach for towel?!

Astrid0208 · 04/03/2019 12:08

My baby was in her shnuggle bath at 6 weeks unsupported. Obviously one of us was there watching her at all times but there's no need to hold them up, especially by 3 months. You're going to drive yourself, your partner and eventually your child crazy if you don't relax!

Drogosnextwife · 04/03/2019 12:09

She's unlikely to drown because he takes his hand off her, as long as he is watching her she will be fine. Unless he has extremely slow reactions.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 04/03/2019 12:20

Hi Op,

I understand your worries about the bath & your OH not always doing things as you would, but that’s part of parenting; there’ll be things he might do differently but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
It’s so hard though when babies are tiny and seem so vulnerable to rationalize that.
With the Snuggle bath, we have one too and I’ve been letting my little one ‘sit’ by himself since he was tiny as I usually bath him alone- I’m always watching him & he’s perfectly safe. (Occasionally slid side ways but easy enough to sit back up)
By 12 weeks he’s kicking his legs & only occasionally sliding sideways. With the max water line on the bath it’d be a challenge for them to come to any harm.
Maybe let your other half bath her if watching makes you anxious? Just tell him to shout for you if he needs you?

Lost5stone · 04/03/2019 12:21

You can take your hands off the baby in the bath, It's not taking your eyes off them. It sounds like you are being unfair on him

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2019 12:32

I think you need to be able to discuss things. So say to him 'I was told never to take a hand off', then you can both check the reliability of that advice and decide what you're going to do.

That's very different from you telling him what to do from the pov that you know best and are the boss.

Why do you believe whoever gave you that advice unquestioningly? Are you not accustomed to finding things out for yourself, checking advice, assessing which sources are reliable and which just heresay, or recognising that there can be more than one right way to do things?

Otoh, there is a strand of stubborn 'won't be told what to do despite being utterly clueless' that I see here and in life quite a bit, often from lazy, risk-taking husbands who are willing to put their pride, determination to remain ignorant, or pure laziness before their child's safety, rather than acknowledge that ignorance (on a topic they'd never have had previous cause to know about, so on which no-one expects them to be knowledgable. I don't get it. These people must thing they have the omniscience of god. Or they just cannot bear to be 'told' anything). The sort who have 'their own way' of making up formula, because they can't be arsed to read the instructions, or somehow think they are above being instructed by experts. Those people are twats.

But, there are also a lot of women like that, though usually with the variant of 'I know best because so and so told me and old wives tales passed on by my family and friends are always more reliable than manufacturer's instructions on current medical knowledge'. Equally ignorant, stubborn and dangerous.

diddl · 04/03/2019 12:33

Is there even room to wash them in that?

It's cute-with the old style there was no option to let go!

Fiveredbricks · 04/03/2019 12:35

If you havent overfilled the shnuggle bath then there is pretty much ZERO chance of a baby drowning in it unless they're a few months older. My son used to wiggle his legs out and pull them over the top when he was about 5/6m old, that's the age you need to worry with that bath imo.

Claw001 · 04/03/2019 12:39

Seems you are being very picky. No hands off for even a second, while he is right there with her! What does he do that you don’t like when he changes her nappy or talks to her?!

MollysLips · 04/03/2019 12:40

I was completely paranoid too (still am a bit) so I understand. But that bath has a seat - your DD would be fine in there without a supporting hand?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/03/2019 12:40

When my eldest was newborn I was very panicky about all sorts of things. The first two nights she was home I set an alarm every hour to wake up and check her breathing, it only went off once due to her waking before then every other time (reflux), but even so it was pretty nuts. It's perfectly normal in the early stages, especially with your first, to be a bit over the top panicking about their safety. You've been through a long pregnancy and then the challenge of birth to get them here, and then your hormones go a bit crazy, you're sleep deprived, possibly exhausted from breastfeeding. It's not the sanest time for any woman.

Your baby is fine being closely supervised in her shnuggle bath, she is perfectly safe without having to be literally held the whole time. Try to relax a bit and trust your OH. Neither of you is negligent, you're not about to let your baby drown. Have you had much chance to have time away from her to relax? It's harder to see thing's clearly when you're right in the middle of the fray the whole time. A few years down the line you will probably look back on this with an amused smile and be glad that you're not that nervous anymore.

downcasteyes · 04/03/2019 12:43

As long as he's watching her like a hawk, surely there's no harm in this?

However, I think this sounds like it's more between you than it is about the baby. If holding on to her allays your anxiety and makes you feel better about your baby, I don't think it's an unreasonable request. Just bear in mind that it's more for you, not the child.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 04/03/2019 12:54

My babies were held in the bigger baby baths when tiny, but I soon bought a bath support and bathed them in the big bath, they loved it and their little legs would kick like crazy. My back was struggling with bending over the bath so my dh bathed both of our babies most nights and I trusted him completely.

I do know how awful anxiety is though. My anxiety got so bad, that when my dh would take our dc to the park, my mind was constantly wondering if they had been in a car accident or come to some harm. I would constantly call my dh to make sure they were ok. My poor husband was very patient but very much fed up with it. Going on anti anxiety medication was literally life changing for me! If you are constantly anxious then I would speak to your gp or health visitor.

HappyMama01 · 04/03/2019 12:55

I think you need to trust your husband a bit more. He's not walking out of the room and leaving her to it, is he?
Next time. Let him bath her on his own and you go downstairs to chill out.

daisyjgrey · 04/03/2019 12:55

Good lord, so you have an issue with how he baths her, changes her nappy, talks to her...anything else?
You are being unreasonable and really quite demeaning, leave him be.

NannyRed · 04/03/2019 12:57

Sorry op but yabu, you are also undermining your poor oh. Keep moaning about his lack his of parenting skills enough now and he will totally disengage.

You wasn’t an expert when your dc was first handed to you, but you learned. Let your poor oh learn too.

Jinglejanglefish · 04/03/2019 12:58

Urm even if she slips down it’s no different from being dunked when swimming, which lots of babies do regularly. She won’t drown in a split second.

You’re being incredibly neurotic and it will eventually destroy your marriage if you keep it up.

Hopoindown31 · 04/03/2019 12:59

Maternal gatekeeping, look it up OP because you are doing it.

I have had friends who've done the same kind of things to their partners and will, in the same breath, complain that their partners can't do anything with their kids without being told what to do.

If he is a good and caring father, trust him.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2019 13:00

YABU, not mean or anything but you should recognise that you are the one who's being unreasonable here and try and change, not expect your OH to give in to your irrationality

outpinked · 04/03/2019 13:05

YABU.

We also have the shnuggle bath and I love it so much because I don’t need to support DS while he’s in it. It supports the baby for you! It’s part of the reason it’s such a great bath. My DS is 18 weeks and has been sitting unsupported in it for at least 8 weeks.

Your DH didn’t leave the room, he was sitting right in front of her so if she started to slip down he’d presumably pick her up immediately. No danger at all.

userschmoozer · 04/03/2019 13:07

downcasteyes is right. Your OH should be more aware of your feelings around perceived risk, and not triggering anxiety.

I don't get people who cant see when a mothers hormones are raging. PFB comes from somewhere, it doesn't appear out of thin air.
This isn't gatekeeping, its not even close. People should be more in tune with how new mothers feel and act.

Crystalintheeyes · 04/03/2019 13:09

YABU.
He’s right next to her.