...to expect other parents to have ^some^ empathy? Long & Ranty

[LoveAngel]

I'm usually quite a carefree person and don't let what other people think bother me massively, but today I feel like punching a wall (or some smug b*tch's face!) and need to know I'm not on my own...

My 2 and a half yr old is a bit different from most of his peers. He's very very tall (he looks about 4) and talks exceptionally well for his age - however, his height and speech both cause him some problems.
Firstly, people expect him to act in a more mature way because they mistake him for an older child.
Secondly, because of his height, he is quite clumsy and heavy-footed, and often bumps into people, pushes them out the way more roughly than I think he means to and can generally appear quite rough. He also has a very short attention span when he is in a busy place/crowd, which I put down to over-excitement, as he is capable of long periods of quite play and concentration at home; and he is an escape artist - let go of his hand for a second and he will run off extremely fast (a fit adult would struggle to catch him), which can obviously be very dangerous (not to mention frustrating!).

I don't see a problem with the way my son is. He is who he is, he is still practically a baby, and although we are introducing the idea of discipline into his little world, I refuse to label him as 'naughty' as I genuinely don't think he is. I think he is just very bright and enthusiastic and interested in the world, and not one to sit quietly and obey orders.

Without going into details here (long story) I am sick of the way some other parents stare / shake their heads / tut / whisper to each other and generally act in a disapproving, unsympathetic way towards me and my son.
I am a smiley, friendly person and my son is a sociable, lovely, funny little boy - yet we seem to provoke a really nasty reaction in some people. They think it is ok to look dispaproving or make snide comments and I have just about come to the end of my tether. What do I do for the best? I have worked very hard throughout my twenties to relax the confrontational, 'what the fuck are you looking at?" side of me and am now a very calm, rational person in my 30's - I don't want to be rude and rowdy - but what do you do when you have just HAD ENOUGH??

Wish them many tantrumming toddlers, all at once. That's what I do.

I don't think there's anything you can do to stop them (and we've all come across them) but a feeling of superiority (yours) can often make you feel a bit better.

who exactly is he 'pushing out of the way roughly'? children or grown-ups

and are the disapproving parents the ones who's child is being pushed roughly out of the way?

Are you tempted to bring back the rowdy what the fuck 20 year old to deal with these twats?

Your boy sounds ace, you sound fab.
I agree that it is probably THE hardest thing to ignore or pretend not to see or hear them.

Your instinct is to protect your boy.

For me in a similar situation, i have to accept that not all of my friends have an understanding. Those friends have been dropped by mutual but unsaid consent.

I do not want negative people around me or my boy.

Strangers is a whole different ball game because you can choose not to let them affect or influence you in any way..they really dont matter at all, one bit, one little bit to you and your boy.

It is so so hard.

There was a phrase someone taught me, a mantra of calm to use in such situations...now what was it....oh yes:

"Bollock to it, fuck em"

I think you might find it quite cathartic.

Remember these are the people who believe they control their children.

Have been there myself. There are lots of smug parents out there who look down their noses because of course they have "perfect" kids who never put a foot wrong and assume it's cos they've been perfect parents. WRONG! They just have been lucky and haven't had to deal with the same issues. Or some issues are more socially acceptable or easily hidden - even if just as serious and often more difficult to overcome longer term (wrote an example there but deleted it as bound to offend someone). All you can do I think, no matter how you are feeling, is to present yourself as supremely confident, smile and shrug your shoulders at them and focus on dealing with your DS. I know it's tough, believe me, but be SuperCool with those winding you up then come and let it all out on MN!

Are the people who tut and look disapproving the parents of the children he's been rough with? Because people often do get disproportionately upset when their child is shoved around, particularly if their child is younger (or smaller) than the child doing the shoving.

I think that whether you're being unreasonable or not depends on how you respond when he pushes or is rough with other children. Do you apologise, do you ask him to be careful, do you accept that people may feel aggrieved that their child has been shoved, or do you ignore it because you know he didn't mean it?

practice starign at them very very angrily?

Thanks for replies so far :-)

When he acts in a rough manner with other children I always respond in the same way - I apologise to the parent and child, make sure my son is aware (as much as a 2 yr old can be) that he has hurt another child and get him to say sorry and hopefully calm down and act in a more sensitive way. I am super sensitive to others around us, as I know how precious parents can be (although I am not precious at all, personally. My attitude is that kids will be kids - i never give dirty looks or tut if another toddler hits or pushes my child...I think that in itself is pretty childish behaviour...)

I must add - he does NOT hit other children or act in a violent or mean way, and when he is rough it usually only takes me to point out to him once how is behaviour isn't acceptable (e.g. don't push, watch where you are going etc) for him to take note (at least that time!).

And he doesn't pick on small kids or anything like that...he is just quite unaware a lot of the time of his surroundings

Just console yourself with the fact that most small children go through phases where they push and shove ... so at some point it will be them getting the dirty looks because it's their children who are doing the shoving!

some friends have a daughter who is extremely tall for her age - she was in 7/8 year old clothes at 3/4 and now at 9 she is in age 14/15 clothes. People obviously expect her to be much more mature than she is and finding clothes is a nightmare as of course the clothes are for teenagers not for little girls.

Nothing to more to add than that really. I would probably explain that he is still a toddler despite his height. If my child was getting pushed about I'd probably be the one tutting and grissling to be honest because it is entirely natural to be protective of our kids but I think he can be excused because he is at an age where pushing and shoving is entirely to be expected (they all go through it and anyone who says there child didnt will probably get it at some stage).

Develop crocodile skin. Ds1 is 8, looks absolutely like any other 8 year old boy, but is severely autistic so behaves anything but normally. My hide gets thicker each year (although I do remember it being paper thin at the beginning). You know the score, who cares what a bunch of strangers think? Let the sour faced trouts suck on lemons as long as they like (thinking about it the worst for giving a good old gawp and shake of the head are fathers of young children).

I have occasionally mouthed 'don't stare' at particularly bad offenders, but usually I mutter any profanities under my breath.

Also helps to remember that they'd be floored if they were trying to deal with it.

I think i would be a little miffed if someone child pushed me out of the way or my dd when i was in town. It has nothing to do with age in my opinion, but i certainly would never say anything to parent.

Lisa

You have my empathy.

DD1 turned 4 a fortnight ago and stands 47 inches tall, but only weighs 2.5 stone despite eating for Scotland.

She has dyspraxia, so in addition to looking 6-7, she has speech and gross/fine motor skills delays, hand flaps when excited, has an abnormal gait and is nowhere near potty-trained.

She's been tutted over so much, I've stopped noticing tutting, disapproving looks, whispers, head shaking, comments, etc.

Onto the rude questions . . .

Oh, we got those often enough.

Like gess, you get a pretty thick skin after a while.

Being tall can be tough.

My niece is 12 and 5ft., 9in. She hasn't even gone through puberty yet and she's 8 inches taller than her own mother.

She's had some counselling to help her deal, but she's a pretty tough cookie, thankfully.

'My 2 and a half yr old is a bit different from most of his peers. He's very very tall (he looks about 4) and talks exceptionally well for his age - however, his height and speech both cause him some problems.
Firstly, people expect him to act in a more mature way because they mistake him for an older child.
Secondly, because of his height, he is quite clumsy and heavy-footed, and often bumps into people, pushes them out the way more roughly than I think he means to and can generally appear quite rough. He also has a very short attention span when he is in a busy place/crowd, which I put down to over-excitement, as he is capable of long periods of quite play and concentration at home; and he is an escape artist - let go of his hand for a second and he will run off extremely fast (a fit adult would struggle to catch him), which can obviously be very dangerous (not to mention frustrating!). '

you could've been writing all that6 about my dd2. she was the size of a 4-5yr old at age 2, and a lot of people expected her to act older than she is. she is now 4, and the size of a 7-8year old. and it still happens. people have a go at her for acting 'like a 4 year old' my reply? 'she is 4.' she is a bounceym enthusatic, charming, chatterbox who is always smiling when we are out.

she is also clumsey as hell, walks into people, knocks people over by accident, walks into walls, falls over etc etc.

the looks and sneers make me angry.

when she was two, she was walking at the car boot sale with me, holding my hand. a lady(ha she wasnt a lady) bashjed into dd2 hard, whacking her face with her handbag and bruising her nose badly and then walked off. i shouted after the lady 'you could've said sorry you know!'
'well she should've been watching where she was going'
'she is 2 years old!'
'no she isnt'

There's research that shows,( I will try and dig it out but am based in SCBU atm...so bear with me...),that tall children are advantaged educationally in the long run....probably for all the reasons that you outline,ie; being treated as an older more intelligent person...
You are right there is nothing wrong with him...he is 2,gets treated as older and is bright as well...
I know how frustrating it can be my children,( in particular my 6 year old ), have opposite problem...they are very small/short for their ages....people are forever saying,' oh don't make him do that mummy he's still very little...'
I smile,( in a very determned way...), and say, ' he's 6 '.
Not everyone is average....

interesting mozhe, as my dd2 has just been scored very highly at end of nursery year. she is at ta reception/yr 1 level already

Same here mozhe, my dd is 5 but miniscule!!

Yep...tallness is a definite advantage throughout life...I think it even extends to health advantages and socioeconomic ones too...so lucky little Loveangel/misdee...

i'd opt for the "fuck off" approach to be honest. I guess i might be cheesed off if DD was sent flying but if the mother apologised or tried to prevent then i would be happy with that. Id probably think, thank heavens i have a girl - lol. But i hate smug mothers (You might have noticed) who look down on other people, in fact i hate smug people full stop. I would tend to use reins if he is such an escape artist, i use them with DD, i cant be doing with the worry otherwise, but that is your choice of course.

definate advantage to being tall, DP is a bit of a short arse and DD let her balloon go in the shop today, was rescued by incredably tall young man, how small did DD feel?

People think my 9 year old is a very advanced 6-7 year old, he is so small lol

he is dinky sparkly. same height almost as dd2 lol.