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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting my mother see my son

36 replies

Saoirse1 · 03/03/2019 20:07

I have never had a great relationship with my mother due to her being very narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I decided when i had my son that i would let her have a relationship with him however i left him with her for an hour last week so she could spend time with him and when i returned he was inconsolibly crying. I dont know if something happened but i have never seen him like that hes not generally a very narky baby and this was a different sort of cry than iv ever heard and i just have this bad feeling in my gut since then. It also annoyed me that she didnt ring me and let me know as i was only 5 minutes away. She also as if she was doing me a favour by seeing him and told me that she wants nothing to do with me but wants to see him which i think is just to hurt me. Myself and my brother hardly talk to her at all because she hit me reguarly as a child and teenager and she just emotionally abused all of us and loves to play mind games. Despite all of this i cant help feeling guilty for blocking contact from her because i dont want my son to hate me for it and im getting mixed opinons from people.. sorry this is very long but i had to get it all out.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 03/03/2019 20:13

Never leave your child with her again. I would go full NC. He would hate you for leaving him open to abuse, not for not seeing an abusive GM.

Coffeeisnecessary · 03/03/2019 20:17

She abused you and your brother as children. You owe her nothing and she does not have to see your son. Please don't feel guilty for not giving your son a relationship with an abuser. You need to do everything you can to protect him.

MumW · 03/03/2019 20:19

I can't believe you would even contemplate letting your child have a relationship with such a vile person. You know that she was an abusive parent so it is beyond unlikely she'll be a doting grandparent.
Sorry if that is blunt and harsh but you need to give your head a wobble.

Original poster
Saoirse1 · 03/03/2019 20:19

SIL said the same but my friends just dont seem to get it they keep saying shes my mother and the only mother ill ever have but i feel so guilty that i left him there every time i think about it i cry because hes only 15 weeks old and he cant tell me if she hurt him and the thought of it just makes my stomach turn

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 03/03/2019 20:21

Well take some comfort in that you have realised your mistake and will never leave him with her again. Everyone makes mistakes.

LittleOwl153 · 03/03/2019 20:22

She doesn't want anything to do with you? So she would expect you to drop him and leave him with her unsupervised? No chance. Why on earth would you? You need to protect your son. Not subject him to mind games.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/03/2019 20:22

Some mothers do not deserve the title of mother or the respect and love that goes with it. Cut her off. You can't trust her.

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/03/2019 20:26

Definitley don't let her near him again!

DorindaLestrange · 03/03/2019 20:30

Holy shit. I wouldn't be letting a person like that within a mile of me (or a million miles of my DC).

Kaleela · 03/03/2019 20:33

I think your SIL is in a better position than your friends to have an opinion. Don't feel guilty. I am NC with two parents because of very similar behaviour. Our childrens mental wellbeing is just as important as their physical and we shouldn't be giving a pass to toxic people simply because they're blood.

Outnotdown · 03/03/2019 20:35

Whether he was crying inconsolably because she hurt him, or simply because she doesn't know how to comfort him, she is not a suitable babysitter.

Don't leave your baby with her unsupervised. No need to explain or apologise. You're his mum and you get to decide.

Sorry you've a shit mum🌼

Lana1234 · 03/03/2019 20:36

Omg please don’t risk it and never let her near him again!

justanothernameonthewall · 03/03/2019 20:41

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MrHaroldFry · 03/03/2019 20:42

I have a mother with mental health issues (has been hospitalised and under regular care of psychiatrist).
She was a shouty and slapping kind of mother. She also could go for days without speaking to you for a small infraction (didn't put clothes into the laundry basket, forgot to put Ketchup in fridge). She wasn't formally diagnosed until I was 19!
Yes, she is the only Mother I have, but she is not a ice or kind person. Ignore well meaning friends when they this to you. They did not live your childhood.
I am very very low contact (as are my siblings). My kids know her but don't love her. They sense something about her.
I would never ever ever leave them alone with her. I would honestly advise you the same.

Grumpelstilskin · 03/03/2019 20:45

Trust your instincts OP. You KNOW!

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/03/2019 20:49

she hit me reguarly as a child and teenager

I posted this on another thread earlier....my 'D'M hit myself and my siblings when we were kids, up to 16yo. She did the same to my nephew (first grandchild). I never left her alone with my kids. Don't give her the opportunity to do that same to your baby. People like that are unlikely to change.

MakeItAmazing · 03/03/2019 20:50

My children have no relationship with my birth parents and they are 100% fine. They would not be 100% fine if they had a relationship with them.

End of.

Romanov · 03/03/2019 20:51

she might be your mother, but i wouldnt leave your child with her.

she can spend time with him while you are there if you really want to do this, but dont feel guilty about not wanting to do it
she's made her bed by the way she raised you, you dont owe her anything

MakeItAmazing · 03/03/2019 20:51

They were never even good enough parents to me so they don't get to see if they would be better grandparents with my children…

TougheningUp · 03/03/2019 20:54

SIL said the same but my friends just dont seem to get it they keep saying shes my mother and the only mother ill ever have

Your friends are idiots. Ignore them. Stand up for your son and cut her out of your life.

BlueMerchant · 03/03/2019 21:08

She can't really have a relationship with a 15 week old baby unless she has a relationship with the mother. You need to be able to discuss feeding, med conditions,likes, your preferences and your child's needs, nap times etc if you are ever leaving your child with someone even for an hour and above all you have to have trust. Could you trust her to call you if needed? To put your son first always? To not spread poisonous lies as he grows? Mental and physical abuse and manipulation if he's not doing what he is told?
You haven't blocked contact. She has done that herself.

Original poster
Saoirse1 · 03/03/2019 21:08

Thank you all so much for the replies, i needed to hear the opinion of someone completley detached from the situation as i think sometimes i cant help but let my emotions get the better of me and i wind up feeling sorry for her. I really appreciate the advice ❤

OP posts:
Lalliella · 03/03/2019 21:15

I hate that argument she’s the only mother you’ll ever have. So was Rosemary West to her daughter. Go NC OP and spare your DS what you went through. She’s just trying to manipulate you. Get away.

Original poster
Saoirse1 · 03/03/2019 21:17

Hahaha no my mother is a 65 year old woman with no idea how to use the internet and she would certainly never admit her faults. She can do no wrong she has a 'everyone is out to get me' outlook on life. Bluemerchant you are spot on there thank you, youv worded that perfectly.

OP posts:
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