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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not letting my mother see my son

36 replies

Saoirse1 · 03/03/2019 20:07

I have never had a great relationship with my mother due to her being very narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I decided when i had my son that i would let her have a relationship with him however i left him with her for an hour last week so she could spend time with him and when i returned he was inconsolibly crying. I dont know if something happened but i have never seen him like that hes not generally a very narky baby and this was a different sort of cry than iv ever heard and i just have this bad feeling in my gut since then. It also annoyed me that she didnt ring me and let me know as i was only 5 minutes away. She also as if she was doing me a favour by seeing him and told me that she wants nothing to do with me but wants to see him which i think is just to hurt me. Myself and my brother hardly talk to her at all because she hit me reguarly as a child and teenager and she just emotionally abused all of us and loves to play mind games. Despite all of this i cant help feeling guilty for blocking contact from her because i dont want my son to hate me for it and im getting mixed opinons from people.. sorry this is very long but i had to get it all out.

OP posts:

SinkGirl · 03/03/2019 21:21

Did you get him checked out afterwards? I remember a story about a woman whose partner shook her baby and she said that her baby was screaming in a way she’d never heard before. I hope your son is okay and that you never let her near him unsupervised again

Original poster

Saoirse1 · 03/03/2019 21:30

I didnt get him checked BUT i watched him like a hawk for days and googled all the symptoms of shaken baby syndrome because i was terrified, now that was most likely an overreaction on my part he could have just been making strange with her but my concern is that if you have that fear when you leave your child somewhere then something isnt right. If i didnt have people telling me to go easy on her i wouldnt even have felt the need to post this because my brother and SIL are extremely supportive howevee my other brother hates me for it because he idolises her

OP posts:

DorindaLestrange · 04/03/2019 09:53

Unless your friends have the same mother as you then their opinion is sadly not worth a snap of the fingers here.

People with normal, decent-enough mothers often find it almost impossible to understand the situation of people with mothers like yours. They literally cannot imagine it. The word 'mother' has a different meaning for them.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/03/2019 10:03

my friends just dont seem to get it they keep saying shes my mother and the only mother ill ever have

Tell them to f**k off and come back when they have thought about how they would feel if they had been abused daily by their dms.

Utterly ridiculous

Block. Nc. Your Ds won’t hate you.
My dc grew up without gps and never missed out.

The only thing your Ds needs is a dm who loves him very much.
He doesn’t need an abusive gm

Think they missed having cousins but there are none. We are a tiny family

Original poster

Saoirse1 · 04/03/2019 10:55

Exactly they gavent got a clue all of them have lovely families (as do i apart from my mother in fairness) and after a while you just get so bloody sick of trying to justify your reasoning with people. Iv blocked her on everything now as well as any of her few friends because last time she got people to text me and try make me feel guilty. Just going to cut her out completley now and be done with it.

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 04/03/2019 11:03

You’re right not to leave him with her. A word of comfort though, our grandson was left with me for ten minutes last week and worked himself into a lather despite rocking, pacing, back rubbing and all the usual things you do to soothe a baby. I guess he just wanted his mum.

Original poster

Saoirse1 · 04/03/2019 11:27

I know i really hope it was just that, as soon as my partner picked him up he for the most part calmed down but he couldnt catch relax for ages, i really hope it was just a misunderstanding but ill never know so i cant risk it

OP posts:

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 04/03/2019 11:41

Hopefully he was just feeling unsettled and was missing his mum.

As she was abusive to you as a parent I don't think that you could ever fully trust her in an unsupervised situation with your son.

If your DM has said that she wants nothing to do with you I would feel no obligation to facilitate a relationship between your son and his grandmother.

Unless she has fully held herself accountable for her past behaviour and sort professional help then I would not lose any sleep in going completely no contact with her. If she is in complete denial of her behaviour then she could at best potentially pose a toxic influence in your sons life and at worst emotionally abuse him too.

Original poster

Saoirse1 · 04/03/2019 11:48

She would never in a million years admit that she was emotionally abusive, if you ever even bring up her doing something wrong she turns it around so that im at fault. Now i dont know that shed hurt him, she never hit either of my brothers and with me it was like she went through phases of it, one month shed love me and spoil me and next i was the worst thing that ever happened to her so my biggest concern is her damaging him emotionally as she is extremely cruel and degrading unless you do everything her way. She used to buy me things just to take them away, for example twice she got me a cat growing up and then sent them to the shelter a few weeks later. I think i just hoped that she would be different now because i didnt talk to her at all before getting pregnant, should have left it that way.

OP posts:

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 04/03/2019 13:09

She has never faced up to and admitted her cruel behaviour and in fact continues with it and issues denials and blame if challenged. I'm guessing you have never had and apology or validation of your feelings. Trust your instinct. You have said that you don't know if she would hurt your DS in the same way so erase that possibility entirely by going no contact.

MumW · 05/03/2019 11:32

This is quite possibly true. Most of us would have shrugged our shoulders and said DC wasn't ready to be left and put some effort in getting the baby used to spending time with it's grandparent/auntie/etc.

The fact that your first though was that she'd done something to cause it is very telling. I'm glad you've decided to go NC again. I'm sure you both will be much happier for it.

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