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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument over returning to work after mat leave

53 replies

User234678 · 03/03/2019 08:32

I have one primary school age dc from previous relationship and so does he, we have his dc every Wednesday and every second weekend, and we have a new baby together. I'm due to return to work at the end of the summer, this is me taking the full year which we can only just afford but makes the most sense so we can avoid holiday childcare cost for the older dc on top of nursery fees for baby.

When we discussed having a baby I was full time and he had just started a zero hours contract, which we knew would eventually become full time and we just agreed that when that happened we would discuss how best to work it all with me saying I didn't mind going part time or changing jobs if needed as both of us are shift workers so much harder to find childcare to accommodate this.

I took the occupational maternity package so I have to go back full time for 3 months or I owe then it all back so I had said I would go back 3 month then look at reducing my hours or find a more childcare friendly job. Upon speaking to my boss they are willing to allow me to come back full time but use annual leave to do part time. So I would be off every Wednesday, allowing me to collect and look after his dc till he gets home, this means putting my older dc in after school club and there are a few Mondays I would need due to school things, appointment for baby and kids birthdays but if I leave after 3 months I won't have enough annual leave to cover this whereas if I stay full time till end of year I can actually have every Wednesday and Monday off, massively reducing our childcare bill and also helping with drop offs for both the kids on Monday mornings.

I suggested this last night and also that at the end of the year I could then request part time along with a flexible working request to basically always have the Monday Wednesday off on the basis that the service has been running with me never working those days for the previous months so they shouldn't really be able to refuse on the grounds of it not being suitable for them.

Anyway, this creates the issue that one Friday a month I won't be able to collect his dc or mine, though mine could go to after school till he gets home so he would either need to try and work his shifts to have that day off/early finish and make it up another day or ask his ex if he can collect from her at a later time rather than school.

He has now said I'm changing the goal posts and he can't do either of those things long term, could have managed it for the 3 months I had to work to cover my mat leave agreement, possibly till the end of the year but definitely not long term, I said so he's basically saying I have to give up my job to sort the childcare until I find something that's more convenient, he insists he isn't saying that but can't tell me what my other options are.

I feel I am making adjustments to my work to cover as much childcare as possible and only asking that he sorts one day, I am more than happy to look for something else and all of this might be a non issue as I could be lucky and basically be able to find something that will tie in to start at the end of the year meaning I don't owe any annual leave or mat pay back but the chances of this are slim, and I don't want to be in the position of spending anytime not working and totally reliant on him, that was never the agreement but now seems to be what he expects. I also don't think it's fair on the baby to put her in nursery for a few months then take her out then put her back in when I find something else and if I'm not working we will not be able to afford any childcare.

How can I get him to see this from my point of view.? Just to add we will both be earning more or less the same regardless of who works full time and over the majority of our relationship I have always worked full time whereas he has always been part time which did mean he done most of the childcare for both our dc but that was his decision and if he had wanted to work full time we would have sorted it somehow just as we are doing now but he feels that as he done the part time hours to fit childcare, though that wasn't really why he done it, it just so happened to suit the childcare, now its my turn to make sacrifices and let him work full time while I accommodate the childcare, which I am as much as possible yet he can't sort one day.

If anyone made it through all that do you have any advice on how to explain this to him or any ideas on what other options I might have?

OP posts:
Redken24 · 03/03/2019 08:36

Sorry but is he unhappy because he will have to sort childcare for one after school for his older child?

Original poster
User234678 · 03/03/2019 08:37

Yes basically, thinks it should be my problem to sort

OP posts:
Helpmedecide123 · 03/03/2019 08:40

His child, his responsibility quite frankly.

isabellerossignol · 03/03/2019 08:40

He thinks that sorting out childcare for his child should be your issue? That's insane.

AnotherEmma · 03/03/2019 08:42

Obviously YANBU and he is

You don't say whether you are married or not?

If not married do not under any circumstances give up paid work

Certainly don't give it up to do school pick ups for HIS child!

Surely his child can go to an after school club on the day(s) neither of you can pick up?

Purplepricklesalloverhisback · 03/03/2019 08:42

Sod him! Let him sort his own childcare for his own child on a Friday!

Don’t adjust your work anymore, it’s the principle that he clearly thinks childcare responsibilities should all fall to you because you have a vagina.

Original poster
User234678 · 03/03/2019 08:44

Not married yet, wedding planned for end of the year.
I added a post but i don't know where it went, saying that his ex won't allow us to use childcare for their child or we would just pay after school club as he finishes at 4 so could collect dc about 4.30 but she will probably use this as an excuse to take that night off us.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 03/03/2019 08:45

Wtf? It is his problem to sort. Youve tried.

I wouldnt go part time either. Is his job now permanent? Are you married?

C0untDucku1a · 03/03/2019 08:45

What do you mean she wont allow it?

AnotherEmma · 03/03/2019 08:46

"his ex won't allow us to use childcare for their child"

Tough shit, he has the right to use childcare in his contact time.

Is there a formal contact agreement?

thesurreyyouth · 03/03/2019 08:47

Not sure if I understood everything as 2 shift patterns make it complicated but what was the arrangement on that 1 Friday a month before you took maternity leave?

Weenurse · 03/03/2019 08:48

1 day a month is not too much to ask in a partnership.

InsomniaTho · 03/03/2019 08:48

None of the ex’s business whether you use after school club or not to be frank.

ExDP doesn’t like that our DC are in ASC every day but did he offer to adjust his hours and have them instead? Obviously not so I told him to shove his opinion and that I’m entitled to climb the career ladder just as much as he is.

Soontobe60 · 03/03/2019 08:50

His child needs to go to after school childcare on the days you have him, which your DH will have to pay for. He has enough time to sort this out. If all the kids do after school on Fridays, you can each pick up your respective DCs.

Original poster
User234678 · 03/03/2019 08:52

@C0untDuku1a his job is now permanent, she is a nightmare to deal with thinks she has final say on all matters and takes us back to court if she doesn't like it which costs us a fortune, has only recently agreed that I can do any pick ups at all and only cause a judge told her to allow it.

@AnotherEmma, yes there is a court order.

@thesurreyyouth before mat leave he was doing agency work to allow him to always be here for his dc days.

OP posts:
heartshapedknob · 03/03/2019 08:55

It’s up to him to sort childcare for his child in this instance - really he should have stood up to his ex when she first said he could not use the after school club as it’s not a reasonable stipulation on her part. But he didn’t and so here you are, considering putting your own career and long term financial stability on the line to accommodate his inability to stand up to his ex. It’s not your problem to solve.

I would stick with your plan, take AL for Monday and Wednesdays for 3m then request flexible working if that’s what would work best for you whilst your baby is young.

Happygolucky009 · 03/03/2019 08:56

Sorry this is his child that he needs to sort out. If he wants you to pick up, he needs to makes compromises.

If he can not make compromise, I would seriously reconsider how successful this marriage will be. Sorry

AppleKatie · 03/03/2019 09:01

His child he sorts it you are being more than reasonable.

Also don’t be cowed by ex after school care is a thousand times more reasonable than you giving up your job for your boyfriends child.

AnotherEmma · 03/03/2019 09:01

As there's a court order she can't just stop contact.

He needs to use the after school club or negotiate with his employer to ensure that he is available to collect his DC from school, it's hardly every day is it? Once a month, he is taking the piss.

Troels · 03/03/2019 09:02

His child his problem, tell him you have tried to sort this, but he doesn't like the plan. So you are just going back as planned full time and he can sort his child himself, both on Wednesday and the odd friday, good luck.
If Ex has a problem, let her take you back to court, you don't need to pay for a solicitor, tell the judge you need to use after school care once a week and the odd friday like millions of other kids due to work shift. Her trying to dictate will make her look bat shit crazy. Any judge with half a brain will tell her to back off.

C0untDucku1a · 03/03/2019 09:08

He should apply for flexible working if he really doesnt want his child in after school club. My dh does a half an hour longer day and half hour shorter lunch mon- thursday and finishes at 2.30 on a friday to do pick ups. Has he applied for flexible working, or even sugegsted it? Or does he think only a woman should sacrifice hours at work?

Doyoumind · 03/03/2019 09:13

If his ex tried to go back to court because she objected to childcare after school one day a fortnight she would be laughed out of court. She has no say over whether or not childcare is used when the child is with the father. The court has already told her she has no right to say who picks the child up, which anyone could have told her.

Springwalk · 03/03/2019 09:14

I think you have done more than enough to accommodate everyone and everything.

I would tell him that is what is happening, and he can arrange with the child's mother the best way forward. Or he can pick up his child? Maybe an early finish that is arranged in advance? It is really up to him to think of the solution as a fully functioning adult. You have already done enough to find options and solutions.

Squeezle · 03/03/2019 09:15

Am I right in thinking you are talking about 1 Friday a month? Or did you mean every Friday every week?
If I per month then it won't be many in a year will it as the child will be on holiday for some of those times.
Jan might still be holiday, Feb possibly not depending on half term, possibly not March/April depending on when Easter is, May, June possibly half term, July Aug both possibly holidays, Sept, Oct possibly half term, nov, Dec possibly holidays.

Have you looked at exactly how many times it will actually be an issue for next year?

Springwalk · 03/03/2019 09:15

Agree with pp that the ex's threats are hollow, no court in the land would consider the odd stay after school on a Friday to be unreasonable.

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